Wednesday 25 September 2013

When some wounds are never allowed to heal...

Who says it only takes enemies to cast shadows in your life?  The shadows cast by your own are darker and longer, and it takes quite a while for the sun to shine again through such shadows.

A couple of so-called close people suddenly dropped out of my life, existing just on the periphery, for the sake of appearances, I guess.  The drift was not very obvious, just subtle messages, but the change in frequency was evident.  People grow apart, dynamics of relationships change, and we
need to learn to move on, I told myself.

A bolt of thunder shook my world; there was an apparent coming together in sorrow. But it was just that: An apparent coming together.  The bond came unstuck slowly, which is worse than ripping the Band-Aid at one go. But unstuck it does come, and you clean the wound and leave it open for
fresh air to heal it, until only a scar is left behind.

In my case however, it did not happen.  The Band-Aid kept being ripped again and again, and I was being slowly sucked into a vortex of emotions till I felt tired and drained.  These so called well-meaning people kept touching my life through various other people, projecting a persona of care
and concern,  building a tower of empathy around them, and alienating me from them too.   I watched, helpless and silent,  and wondered which hurt I wanted to handle first: them moving away and the relationships dying out, or my own being sucked away from me and my own, who no longer even wanted to know what had happened, from my perspective.

I was advised to approach the dissenters at least once, and confront them for doing this to my life.  I have also wondered why I haven't done so...

And I have come to realize that I have indeed outgrown the relationship, it is only the residual hurts, which I know I will get over, and my cynicism is temporary.  What I was unable to handle was how they continued to interrupt my life, and sprinkle distaste now and then, exposing wounds that
had not yet healed. 

Besides, what right did I actually have to tell them to get out of my life?  None... And that is why I am not able to protect myself because people this side of the fence are willing to throw open the gates for them to walk in, throw the dart and fade out... Again... And again.... And again...

Tuesday 24 September 2013

The Hounded Counselor

Being in the helping profession brings with it so many travails that I have started feeling that unless you have the heart of a soldier, you will be sapped of all energy and you would yourself end up as a client in need of counseling!

Being a practicing counselor, I have come across people with very many kinds of problems: those with issues that I have sometimes wondered whether would qualify to be labeled at all as problems, and also those where the problem is so serious that it calls for medical intervention. But suggesting medication is easier said than done. Clients refuse to accept the fact that their problems are pathological, and no amount of basic assessments showing them the scores which are statistically proven to be a cause for concern are good enough for them to seek chemical intervention. Believe me, this denial is more difficult to treat than the actual problem! 
I was approached by a socially prominent elderly gentleman who was quite pushy when it came to meeting me as soon as possible, and I should have had my alarm bells ringing right then! But handling the call more as a counselor than as a lay person being coerced, I agreed to see him after adjusting my appointment diary. The first appointment was for an intake session, and it was followed by a couple more sessions. Due to some personal reasons, I was unable to follow up with more sessions immediately as he demanded, and I explained to him about the required intervals, and I agreed to take on more sessions with him the following week. 
And that is how it all began. The client insisted I take on continuous sessions, and refused to listen to any logical explanations either about my unavailability or the necessity of such sessions. Nothing I said seemed to get through to him, and the messages he sent on my phone started getting nasty. I bore it for as long as I could; and then I just stopped responding when he demanded that I refund the fee for the sessions taken! Though I knew I was dealing with a client who had pathology and hence I was giving him a long rope, I realized that the time had come for me to stop being the tolerant counselor and accept that I had now become a victim of harassment! 
It got better when I stopped responding to his messages, but there was only a lull before it started again, now in the form of emails. I am still handling the issue, in the best way I can, without resorting to measures that may lead it to becoming ugly. I know I only need to mention it to a few people in his social circle, armed as I am with his diagnosis, for people to look down on him. But professional ethics do not allow me to do that. However, I am not sure how long it will take for my basic survival instincts to overtake my dedication to my profession!

Friday 13 September 2013

Me and Myself

I am sure all of us live on demands from the environment on a flip-flop mechanism.  We all have our shades of personality which do not tally or merge with a given situation and all of us have our masks that we put on for various roles.  They are however different from the thinking hats that are worn consciously for various functions of our actions.

But is it possible to completely change one's thinking, to alter one's style of functioning just to appeal to a crowd and be acceptable?  Will you be able to be true to yourself if you attempt to drop standards, bend rules you believe in, just so that you are accepted, you can blend in and be a run of the mill product?

I am told that I am very strong, and bold in facing challenges in life.  In fact, this seems to be a predominant trait in my personality, to the point where my strength and demeanor tend to intimidate people.  Each emotional mountain I have climbed has hardened me, but it has not dulled my sensitivity to life and the living.  But it has also made me set higher standards for myself, and for people who work with me.  Under such circumstances, if I appear to be too demanding or taxing, then the person who is at the receiving end would be expected to rise up to the query and use the situation as a learning experience, rather than shy away from the opportunity of self-growth.
 
If I need to molly-coddle others and appear gentler and hold hands, I really do not see it happening for the simple reason that this style of functioning is not part of my personality. The soft kernel may be there in me, but what I choose to share with the world is the hard outer shell, take it or leave it.  I am right now on a path of intrapersonal growth, and interpersonal issues are secondary for me and my life's goals.

Monday 2 September 2013

OMNIPOTENT


As I entered the room... The cell where I existed...
The silence, stark and loud, intense silence
Deafened me.
 
I wanted to scream
To break thru' the thick fog
Of memory.
When I stumbled against your presence.
 
The wounds which I had thought had healed,
Knitted together by time
Opened up...
And I gave in.
 
My sobs made war with your
Silent presence.

Sunday 1 September 2013

To D or not to D

COUPLES' QUARREL OVER LAST PIECE OF CORIANDER MINT CHICKEN ENDS IN DIVORCE!

The headline of an advertisement for an eatery spoke of how frivolous the institution of marriage is being treated  today. No reason seems small enough  to end a relationship. The justifications that partners give for the termination of their marriage do not seem to hold any ground and precisely because of this, the cases seem to drag on in the courts, perpetuating more acrimony and bitterness between the partners, ruining any slim chances of them getting back together again.

What could be the contributory factors to the increasing number of divorces, or marriages running into troubled waters?  The reasons could be many but some of them could be unmet family expectations, individual resentments, wide disparity in family systems, divergent belief systems, role conflicts, lack of emotional and financial interdependency, physical incompatibility etc.

The unmet expectations of the families seem to emerge as a crucial element.  Most marriages start off with the wedding pomp and show, during which, especially in the Indian context, family differences tend to surface.  The boy may get messages from his family about how the wedding was/was not conducted befitting their status. The boy carries these feelings into the relationship, and here it does not matter whether it was a love marriage or arranged!  Unhealthy conflict resolution techniques then have this information as ammunition to be thrown against the girl.  Ironically, these very incidents are even quoted in divorce notices!

The girl, on the other hand could start feeling resentful about how her family has to listen to the dictates of the boy's family, in this day of equality and independence.  Her ambivalent feelings would crop up if there are disagreements with her marital family, and she has started off the relationship with a certain bias in her mind.  Then it is a downward spiral all the way.  A partner who appeals to her patience and tolerance with his people only tends to make her feel more unsupported!

The unmet expectations could be also from each other, starting from the four shaky quadrants of a relationship: mutual trust, respect, companionship and love.  The lack of mutuality today is a prime reason why marriages falter.  A woman today is economically independent, and also educated, sometimes even more than her spouse.  If the spouse is unable to accept this, there is definitely trouble brewing.

But sadly, there seems to be a lack of emotional intelligence when it comes to managing relationships.  If the boy is unable to accept a woman for what she is: economically, intellectually and socially his equal,  the differences in the way the relationship is handled by both of them would be enough ground for conflicts to escalate.  This would result in major disputes, unless effectively intervened.

Which brings us to the manner of healthy conflict resolution.  Effective conflict resolution skills can  be  learnt, provided both the partners are willing to work on the relationship. We need to also understand  what is missing in the relationship.  The four crucial Cs: Count, Connect, Capability and Courage, though important in any relationship, are vital in a marriage.  Absence of even one can spell doom for a marriage.  Unfortunately, even after identifying the missing links, partners today do not seem to find the need or the inclination to work on the marriage.

Is it because of this lack of effort to work at the marriage that is showing up as an increasing number of divorces, or is it because the legal system is making more and more laws with loopholes which the couples reach out to, to escape the web of confusing conflicts?
  
How much do individual personalities affect the quality of a marriage and its tenure? Though by and large partners do end up being very different in temperament and demeanor from each other, if there is emotional compatibility, ironing out the differences is not very difficult, provided they are able to create their own marriage bubble, and have their own templates based on their respective values and belief systems.  If both partners are willing to respect differences, give each other space, and not allow others into their marriage bubble, these threats are minimized to a large extent.

A lot of what a couple brings into the marriage also stems from what they have imbibed as children.  The first marriage relationship that they have seen would be that of their parents.  While the marriage may not have been one long honeymoon, it would not have been without its share of conflicts either, and if either one of the parent has shared his or her own marital woes with the child, then these impressions are carried into his or her own intimate relationships. This parentification  either emotional or instrumental, has long term effects on the child's interpersonal relationships, which may hamper healthy intimacy.

Problems are compounded however, and the acrimony and tempers run high when a lot of other people (whose emotions are also entangled in the whole scenario) try to  interfere, with well-meant solutions no doubt, but such interference could be detrimental to salvaging the marriage.  The marriage at one stage seems to belong to everyone else but to the couple! Rather than focusing on the relationship issues, the whole attention is on who is the greater culprit, who is hurt more, and who takes more blame.

They are unable to comprehend that when the individuals become larger than the relationship, then the blame game becomes the focus. The need to work on the marriage is what seems to be dying out.  The knee jerk reactions include filing a police complaint against the boy's family on various charges
which may or may not be true; notice being sent without any attempt at talking things over, reestablishing and demanding conjugal rights; having private investigators collect evidence of affairs being indulged in; and having the children if any, being used as instruments of revenge, leaving lasting scars on their psyche.  All these and many other unthought-of actions, compounded with ignorance of the legal system, tends to disillusion the next generation, thereby robbing them of any faith in the institution of marriage.

Scenes where both the boy and the girl keep looking to the others in the family who have accompanied them to court for answers are not an uncommon sight at the mediation centers. In such a scenario, the whole problem gets diffused under ego battles, family prestige, and social pressures.  The crux of the problem, which in all probability would have been amicably resolved with a little bit of professional help, would be compounded by so much of interference.  And what with the couple themselves not being either motivated enough to put in an effort to salvage the relationship, and
somewhere not being emotionally or financially dependent on each other, would soon be holding a decree of divorce in their hands.
  
So what can be really done to protect this institution of marriage from the claws of divorce? There is no single solution to this problem. But we could first and foremost work on the reasons why a couple get married in the first place.  A couple of sessions with a professional counselor on premarital awareness would surely help both of them to have realistic expectations from their partner and their families. Awareness of the disparity in the families they come from, in terms of beliefs, value systems, lifestyle etc. would prepare them to ease into each other's marital homes.

Continuous need for open channels of communication, with effective conflict resolution techniques, spending quality time with each other to continue nurturing the relationship are all pointers which are stressed on in these sessions.  This becomes all the more important in marriages which are a decade or so old, wherein the partners are so caught up in their other roles that they fail to enhance their relationship.  Though there is no magic in such marriages, there is certainly a sense of comfort and camaraderie, and partners should strive to keep it going. Significance of Space and Support, the two very important ingredients especially in the early days of marriage need to be kept in mind all the time.  While the boy need not take sides when the girl has a conflict with a member of his family, he certainly needs to convey the validation of her hurts to her. It is often totally accepted when a boy appeals to a girl saying she needs to "adjust", a six letter word which she comes to detest! 

Similarly, he can discourage receiving of any complaints about her, allowing the concerned individuals to sort it out between themselves.  He would need  to make space for his partner in his life, and at the same time, not feel responsible for the insecurities faced by his family at the presence of the new entrant.

The girl's family needs to support and guide the girl into her marital life, without encouraging gossip and tales about her marital house being the subject of discussions. The girl needs to learn to strike out on her own, and though she can call her parents for support and guidance, she should be careful not to give an impression of not settling down in her marriage, and of being constantly guided by her parents or siblings.  There has to be a strict ceiling on what matters should and should not be discussed by the partners with their parents, and both spouses must respect as well as adhere to these boundaries.

There are no readymade formulae for successful marriages. But there are certainly plenty of reasons to stay in one. And successful marriages do not happen by chance; they take a lot of effort, patience, understanding, acceptance and determination. One has a choice to make it work by refusing to buckle under the pressure surrounding these efforts, or one has the option of simply resorting to a divorce.... Which is not easy in any way, though the couple do not realize that till it is too late.