Sunday 18 January 2015

Serenity Prayer to the Rescue

You know what is the feeling that is most difficult to live with?  It is the feeling of being completely helpless, especially when you are aware of what can be done to make things better.  We go through a lot of conflicts in life, where sometimes we are forced to just let go.  I wish I could let go here too... But I feel I have failed somehow.

Being a psychologist has its failings. Your family thinks you attribute everything to mind and emotions and chemical interventions.Yes, I do believe very strongly in the mind body connection but I also am practical to reach for medical help when needed.

My father has been ailing for quite a while, and though not entirely bedridden, he needs help to move around. He is largely confined to the house, and this tends to get him down as he had been a very brisk and socially active person. This forcibly-altered lifestyle has made him morose, withdrawn and cranky. Of late I have also noticed a deterioration in his mental faculties, and he tends to have some disorientation, which he deftly tries to cover up by behaving in an aggressive manner and talking back at people, be it family, the rare visitor or even the cable operator!

Unfortunately the family puts it down to him being just difficult, and I am also at times guilty of being short with him... I do a lot of self talk when I am with him, telling myself that I need to look at  him holistically.

Keeping this in mind, I approached the family and suggested we speak to the doctor to give him some mood stabilizer. I know we do not have a happiness pill, but it has been proved that certain chemical imbalances in our brain affects the way we feel.  If a minor alteration in this balance through a certain intervention can be achieved, which can help him feel better about himself, what is wrong?  In his late eighties, how does it matter if there was a certain dependency on such medication?  Having handled quite a few geriatric clients, I could clearly see what was happening, but am unable to do anything. If he felt better in his autumn days, was that not enough?

Unfortunately for him... And for me, for I lived up to the reputation of a person who attributes moods to feelings and emotion, none agreed with my theory.  Counter Arguments were many... All he needs is a little company, said one.  He is fine if we just let him have his way, said another.  You people just don't know how to handle him, said another.

My mother was of course bearing the brunt of the whole situation, but she also did not subscribe to my view.  She would just stop telling me about his antics, fearing that I will resort to my favorite subject.  I suspected she too was suffering from a situation-induced depression, but she is a lot more resilient than my father so she would bounce back from these periods of low moods.
  
I guess the resistant attitude comes from the age-old stigma attached to seeking medical intervention for any emotional issues.  But I am left with the feeling that though I am able to help so many others outside my family, I am unable to help my own father, as I don't have a single family member who understands and agrees with my opinion.   And I am also left with deep feelings of guilt when I tend to snap back at him at times, when all along I do know that his behavior is outside his control at times.  All I do at such times is say the serenity prayer...God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot  change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Caught in Crossfire?

I am now of the firm opinion that anywhere I go, I am followed by conflicts!  It is so awkward to be surrounded by them all the time. And it is doubly so, when you are also not sure whether you are part of the conflict or not.  I stand on the periphery of the situation, wondering whether I could dare to enter in and risk being thrown out!

I stayed with some close friends of the family. Now like every family, this family is also composed of members with strong personalities, and while there was cohesiveness there was also a lot of dissonance. The conflicts erupted out into the open when there was an issue that all of them had strong personal perceptions on. And that is where all the underlying issues also gave force to the conflict. The situation spiraled down to a point when everyone clammed up into a high tower of hurt, revenge and silence. There was it all around....like the thick mist that hung outside the building. Communication totally broke down. Rules of the roles were thrown out of the window. There was a declaration of the kitchen not functioning, that the members could fend for themselves. People walked on egg shells.

How long before yet another confrontation happens I wonder. Where did it all start? I think it did when one member felt unsupported, and was nursing a lot of unmet expectations. She totally clammed up, wanting to hurt as she had been hurt. But instead of keeping herself open to amends, she closeted herself in a tower of silence, refusing any attempts at peace making.

Of course, it is their own way of coping, handling a situation, and who was I to interfere.. But how do I respond? Do I tell myself, you are so much a part of the family, they don't have to keep up pretenses? Or should I pretend everything is normal, and that I am blasé enough not to understand what is happening? Or just pack my bags, apologize for the intrusion in their lives, and quietly leave?