Thursday 17 September 2015

Help from Unexpected Quarters

Yet another learning.  Why is it that when we are going through an intense crisis, we feel so completely alone? Is it because we are floundering and are reaching out, gasping for air? And we find that it is in terrible short supply?  Or is it that people do not know how much of themselves they can commit to resolving your problems?  Or is it also that they are so bogged down by their own issues that they just do not have the energy, time or the inclination to bother to let you know they care.
 
I have been fighting an ongoing battle in my apartment about a leaky ceiling in all my rooms. Two of the rooms are rendered unusable and I have buckets to catch the dripping water. As all means of convincing the people living on the top floor failed, I threatened to resort to legal action, which made them at least approach the mediation table grudgingly. 
 
Now here is the catch. The well meaning people I am surrounded by are so very grateful that the party has agreed to even hold talks that I am urged not to be difficult, to accede to any of their demands, even if it means repairing their bathroom at my cost.  I am advised not to get angry or lose my cool, and to let go of any discomfort I have been put to, as my main problem would be resolved if they kindly accede access to me to repair their bathroom! Never Mind that I slipped on the water, sprained my leg, have strained my back sleeping on the floor in the living room, have lost business because I have not been able to see clients with a bucket in the middle of my consulting room. And also paid medical bills in the bargain. Loss of income,  expense on bills.  I don't even think they realize how much I have been pushed for me to take this stand.
 
In the midst of it all, as I am wondering why some people never even bothered to find out what was happening (and it hurt to know they didn't), I also got help from very unexpected quarters... A simple offer from a casual acquaintance,  a visit from a friend who just came home to say pack your bags and come over,  a plumber who was willing to come with me and help me talk to them, all brought tears to my eyes. Tears because I wanted to wash away with them the feelings of hurt and disappointment caused by some so-called close ones, who should have done all this, but didn't.
 
I guess we all do need to fight our own battles, but sometimes, it helps hell of a lot to know, that in case you forget your lines on stage, you have a prompter on the sidelines, waiting to bail you out.

Tuesday 15 September 2015

Nurturing Relationships


I am writing after a really long time.  Not to say that there have been no pebbles of thought; rather, a kind of inertia had set in where I started questioning the very thought of even bothering to put pen to paper. I was not taking enough interest to tell the world how I feel for, i think the world stopped mattering to me... Or was it the other way around? Did I stop mattering?  Again, either way there was not enough energy to get down to even doing what I love the most: Writing. Though it always was purposeful and intrinsic, somehow even that intrinsic urge had faded.

Till today.  Today i think there was a leak in the dam of thoughts and it started creating a flow of thoughts that refused to be shut in.  It started when a couple of days back I was casually informed of a death in the family, and when I asked why I was not told about it, it was brushed aside as a matter of no consequence... And then today, I am suddenly given information of someone visiting them. The incongruity of the whole situation irritated me. I mean, I feel like I am on the periphery of a circle, not really knowing half the time what is happening in there.

And I have started being fine with it, for why should every get together, every sickness, every such so-called family matter be spoken about with me?  So I had just let go, and accepted this particular behavior and moved on. At some point i had even stopped complaining about me making all the trips, me making all the efforts at being in connect etc. I realized at some point that I was perhaps not a very comfortable person to be around, and maybe everyone is doing what I was doing too... Self preservation!

So when suddenly I get these one-off messages of some vague visitor, I also realized what i was looking for in relationships... consistency. I realized it was very important for me to feel the relationship was there.  Not appear and disappear. All relationships, whether they have a label or not, need nurturance.  If they don't, how can we be sure whether they are weeds or plants?

So, am I leaving any relationship un-nurtured, I wonder? Is there a phone call I need to make, is there that connect I need to reestablish to let a lonely soul know that he or she matters to me? I am still seeking these answers