When I have clients come in with interpersonal disputes, what is
predominant is hurt feelings, for which one person blames the other. This is especially true when the so-called
injured party feels there is also no remorse from the other person. Being hurt once is bad enough. How do you
handle repeated actions, which send a totally different message to the
receiver? Then the blame shifts to not
the action, but the feelings behind the action.
It could be something as insignificant as not keeping a date, to
something as complex as having an extramarital affair.
The subject of discussion is not the action but the fact that it
was a mistake repeated.
This brings me to the subject of various kinds of apologies. Gary Chapman has written on this subject
extensively, and he surmises that the five languages of apology go a long way in either cementing a relationship,
or allowing it to become staid and dull.
Of course, the relationship has to matter enough to both of them to
understand and speak the other person's language of apology. If one person's language is say, (D)
(see below) and the person rendering the apology uses (B), then the whole
communication goes for a toss, and the apology would have lost all
meaning.
A: EXPRESSING REGRET
B: ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILIT Y
C: MAKING RESTITUTION
D: GENUINELY REPENTING
E: REQUESTING FORGIVENESS
The first is pure, matter of fact and simple... "I am sorry".
In other words, expressing regret. Then the level or apology goes a
little deeper, a little more sincere... "I am sorry I hurt you". That
is, accepting responsibility, validation of the other person's
hurt. Then comes more sincerity... "I am
sorry I hurt you. I would like to do something to make amends". Making Restitution for one's mistake. Expressing regret and taking responsibility
alone is not enough, genuine repentance is yet another language of some
people... "What can I do to make you feel better?" And finally, it is downright surrender...
"Please forgive me". It is not the same as saying I am sorry, but, by asking for forgiveness, you are actually
placing the whole issue in the other person's court... The right to forgive is
the other person's.
If only we take a moment to ponder on the many languages of
saying sorry, making up would not be such a difficult task after all, and many
a broken relationships may get repaired!
