Thoughts

The radio crackled, as I put on my seat belt and prepared to drive to work.   I tried tuning in, adjusting the station, but to no avail.  Though the radio jockey was audible, yet there was this constant sound of a bee buzzing in the background, which turned quite irritating, the last thing one required on a busy Monday morning, while driving!  So I switched it off and had my thoughts to keep me entertained as I drove.

And as I was thinking, I realized the reason why the radio was misbehaving.  The boy who cleaned the car for me had told me last week that the aerial had been damaged and needed replacement.  Over the busy weekend it had totally slipped my mind; no wonder the needle on the radio had not been able to catch the signals properly! 

Now, I guess a lot of our life situations are like that.  We all need our antennas to receive our signals from our environment.  Sometimes, the signals are from our past:  from our mind’s eye, where a current situation, the needle, triggers a memory from our past, and we are able to instantly connect to either episodic memory or an emotional memory from our past.  However, most of the times, the antenna, instead of giving us clarity of the present moment, shoves us into pain and we are no longer listening to the present.   This jolting to the past does not anchor us to the present.

I guess the antenna needs changing.  I guess we need to use an antenna called mindfulness, living in the present to enjoy the music that is playing today, instead of focusing on the memories that the needle triggers.  I remembered then how yesterday, while having a conversation with a friend, she brought up someone whom I had thought I had erased from my memory.   I had; but only from the episodic memory: the emotional memory still held oodles of pain, and the conversation brought back all the pain and the sadness I had thought I had resolved.    This conversational antenna did nothing to resolve my issues with this person, and though we talk about forgiveness and letting go, I realized that unless I either choose not to tune in to this station, or alternatively, have a faulty antenna, I am going to continue having to listen in with constant disturbance in the background.  

It was my choice.  Do I not tune in there, or do I use the antenna of rationality to reason out the issue, or do I simply practice mindfulness?  Do I just live in the present, notice my painful thoughts as they are triggered?  Do I accept that this is an issue of my life that I need to experience, the pain from the past, simply because there are some things that can never be resolved?  

I am still searching for answers.