COUPLES' QUARREL OVER LAST PIECE OF CORIANDER MINT CHICKEN ENDS IN DIVORCE!
The headline of an advertisement for an eatery spoke of how frivolous the institution of marriage is being treated today. No reason seems small enough to end a relationship. The justifications that partners give for the termination of their marriage do not seem to hold any ground and precisely because of this, the cases seem to drag on in the courts, perpetuating more acrimony and bitterness between the partners, ruining any slim chances of them getting back together again.
What could be the contributory factors to the increasing number of divorces, or marriages running into troubled waters? The reasons could be many but some of them could be unmet family expectations, individual resentments, wide disparity in family systems, divergent belief systems, role conflicts, lack of emotional and financial interdependency, physical incompatibility etc.
The unmet expectations of the families seem to emerge as a crucial element. Most marriages start off with the wedding pomp and show, during which, especially in the Indian context, family differences tend to surface. The boy may get messages from his family about how the wedding was/was not conducted befitting their status. The boy carries these feelings into the relationship, and here it does not matter whether it was a love marriage or arranged! Unhealthy conflict resolution techniques then have this information as ammunition to be thrown against the girl. Ironically, these very incidents are even quoted in divorce notices!
The girl, on the other hand could start feeling resentful about how her family has to listen to the dictates of the boy's family, in this day of equality and independence. Her ambivalent feelings would crop up if there are disagreements with her marital family, and she has started off the relationship with a certain bias in her mind. Then it is a downward spiral all the way. A partner who appeals to her patience and tolerance with his people only tends to make her feel more unsupported!
The unmet expectations could be also from each other, starting from the four shaky quadrants of a relationship: mutual trust, respect, companionship and love. The lack of mutuality today is a prime reason why marriages falter. A woman today is economically independent, and also educated, sometimes even more than her spouse. If the spouse is unable to accept this, there is definitely trouble brewing.
But sadly, there seems to be a lack of emotional intelligence when it comes to managing relationships. If the boy is unable to accept a woman for what she is: economically, intellectually and socially his equal, the differences in the way the relationship is handled by both of them would be enough ground for conflicts to escalate. This would result in major disputes, unless effectively intervened.
Which brings us to the manner of healthy conflict resolution. Effective conflict resolution skills can be learnt, provided both the partners are willing to work on the relationship. We need to also understand what is missing in the relationship. The four crucial Cs: Count, Connect, Capability and Courage, though important in any relationship, are vital in a marriage. Absence of even one can spell doom for a marriage. Unfortunately, even after identifying the missing links, partners today do not seem to find the need or the inclination to work on the marriage.
Is it because of this lack of effort to work at the marriage that is showing up as an increasing number of divorces, or is it because the legal system is making more and more laws with loopholes which the couples reach out to, to escape the web of confusing conflicts?
How much do individual personalities affect the quality of a marriage and its tenure? Though by and large partners do end up being very different in temperament and demeanor from each other, if there is emotional compatibility, ironing out the differences is not very difficult, provided they are able to create their own marriage bubble, and have their own templates based on their respective values and belief systems. If both partners are willing to respect differences, give each other space, and not allow others into their marriage bubble, these threats are minimized to a large extent.
A lot of what a couple brings into the marriage also stems from what they have imbibed as children. The first marriage relationship that they have seen would be that of their parents. While the marriage may not have been one long honeymoon, it would not have been without its share of conflicts either, and if either one of the parent has shared his or her own marital woes with the child, then these impressions are carried into his or her own intimate relationships. This parentification either emotional or instrumental, has long term effects on the child's interpersonal relationships, which may hamper healthy intimacy.
Problems are compounded however, and the acrimony and tempers run high when a lot of other people (whose emotions are also entangled in the whole scenario) try to interfere, with well-meant solutions no doubt, but such interference could be detrimental to salvaging the marriage. The marriage at one stage seems to belong to everyone else but to the couple! Rather than focusing on the relationship issues, the whole attention is on who is the greater culprit, who is hurt more, and who takes more blame.
They are unable to comprehend that when the individuals become larger than the relationship, then the blame game becomes the focus. The need to work on the marriage is what seems to be dying out. The knee jerk reactions include filing a police complaint against the boy's family on various charges
which may or may not be true; notice being sent without any attempt at talking things over, reestablishing and demanding conjugal rights; having private investigators collect evidence of affairs being indulged in; and having the children if any, being used as instruments of revenge, leaving lasting scars on their psyche. All these and many other unthought-of actions, compounded with ignorance of the legal system, tends to disillusion the next generation, thereby robbing them of any faith in the institution of marriage.
Scenes where both the boy and the girl keep looking to the others in the family who have accompanied them to court for answers are not an uncommon sight at the mediation centers. In such a scenario, the whole problem gets diffused under ego battles, family prestige, and social pressures. The crux of the problem, which in all probability would have been amicably resolved with a little bit of professional help, would be compounded by so much of interference. And what with the couple themselves not being either motivated enough to put in an effort to salvage the relationship, and
somewhere not being emotionally or financially dependent on each other, would soon be holding a decree of divorce in their hands.
So what can be really done to protect this institution of marriage from the claws of divorce? There is no single solution to this problem. But we could first and foremost work on the reasons why a couple get married in the first place. A couple of sessions with a professional counselor on premarital awareness would surely help both of them to have realistic expectations from their partner and their families. Awareness of the disparity in the families they come from, in terms of beliefs, value systems, lifestyle etc. would prepare them to ease into each other's marital homes.
Continuous need for open channels of communication, with effective conflict resolution techniques, spending quality time with each other to continue nurturing the relationship are all pointers which are stressed on in these sessions. This becomes all the more important in marriages which are a decade or so old, wherein the partners are so caught up in their other roles that they fail to enhance their relationship. Though there is no magic in such marriages, there is certainly a sense of comfort and camaraderie, and partners should strive to keep it going. Significance of Space and Support, the two very important ingredients especially in the early days of marriage need to be kept in mind all the time. While the boy need not take sides when the girl has a conflict with a member of his family, he certainly needs to convey the validation of her hurts to her. It is often totally accepted when a boy appeals to a girl saying she needs to "adjust", a six letter word which she comes to detest!
Similarly, he can discourage receiving of any complaints about her, allowing the concerned individuals to sort it out between themselves. He would need to make space for his partner in his life, and at the same time, not feel responsible for the insecurities faced by his family at the presence of the new entrant.
The girl's family needs to support and guide the girl into her marital life, without encouraging gossip and tales about her marital house being the subject of discussions. The girl needs to learn to strike out on her own, and though she can call her parents for support and guidance, she should be careful not to give an impression of not settling down in her marriage, and of being constantly guided by her parents or siblings. There has to be a strict ceiling on what matters should and should not be discussed by the partners with their parents, and both spouses must respect as well as adhere to these boundaries.
There are no readymade formulae for successful marriages. But there are certainly plenty of reasons to stay in one. And successful marriages do not happen by chance; they take a lot of effort, patience, understanding, acceptance and determination. One has a choice to make it work by refusing to buckle under the pressure surrounding these efforts, or one has the option of simply resorting to a divorce.... Which is not easy in any way, though the couple do not realize that till it is too late.
The headline of an advertisement for an eatery spoke of how frivolous the institution of marriage is being treated today. No reason seems small enough to end a relationship. The justifications that partners give for the termination of their marriage do not seem to hold any ground and precisely because of this, the cases seem to drag on in the courts, perpetuating more acrimony and bitterness between the partners, ruining any slim chances of them getting back together again.
What could be the contributory factors to the increasing number of divorces, or marriages running into troubled waters? The reasons could be many but some of them could be unmet family expectations, individual resentments, wide disparity in family systems, divergent belief systems, role conflicts, lack of emotional and financial interdependency, physical incompatibility etc.
The unmet expectations of the families seem to emerge as a crucial element. Most marriages start off with the wedding pomp and show, during which, especially in the Indian context, family differences tend to surface. The boy may get messages from his family about how the wedding was/was not conducted befitting their status. The boy carries these feelings into the relationship, and here it does not matter whether it was a love marriage or arranged! Unhealthy conflict resolution techniques then have this information as ammunition to be thrown against the girl. Ironically, these very incidents are even quoted in divorce notices!
The girl, on the other hand could start feeling resentful about how her family has to listen to the dictates of the boy's family, in this day of equality and independence. Her ambivalent feelings would crop up if there are disagreements with her marital family, and she has started off the relationship with a certain bias in her mind. Then it is a downward spiral all the way. A partner who appeals to her patience and tolerance with his people only tends to make her feel more unsupported!
The unmet expectations could be also from each other, starting from the four shaky quadrants of a relationship: mutual trust, respect, companionship and love. The lack of mutuality today is a prime reason why marriages falter. A woman today is economically independent, and also educated, sometimes even more than her spouse. If the spouse is unable to accept this, there is definitely trouble brewing.
But sadly, there seems to be a lack of emotional intelligence when it comes to managing relationships. If the boy is unable to accept a woman for what she is: economically, intellectually and socially his equal, the differences in the way the relationship is handled by both of them would be enough ground for conflicts to escalate. This would result in major disputes, unless effectively intervened.
Which brings us to the manner of healthy conflict resolution. Effective conflict resolution skills can be learnt, provided both the partners are willing to work on the relationship. We need to also understand what is missing in the relationship. The four crucial Cs: Count, Connect, Capability and Courage, though important in any relationship, are vital in a marriage. Absence of even one can spell doom for a marriage. Unfortunately, even after identifying the missing links, partners today do not seem to find the need or the inclination to work on the marriage.
Is it because of this lack of effort to work at the marriage that is showing up as an increasing number of divorces, or is it because the legal system is making more and more laws with loopholes which the couples reach out to, to escape the web of confusing conflicts?
How much do individual personalities affect the quality of a marriage and its tenure? Though by and large partners do end up being very different in temperament and demeanor from each other, if there is emotional compatibility, ironing out the differences is not very difficult, provided they are able to create their own marriage bubble, and have their own templates based on their respective values and belief systems. If both partners are willing to respect differences, give each other space, and not allow others into their marriage bubble, these threats are minimized to a large extent.
A lot of what a couple brings into the marriage also stems from what they have imbibed as children. The first marriage relationship that they have seen would be that of their parents. While the marriage may not have been one long honeymoon, it would not have been without its share of conflicts either, and if either one of the parent has shared his or her own marital woes with the child, then these impressions are carried into his or her own intimate relationships. This parentification either emotional or instrumental, has long term effects on the child's interpersonal relationships, which may hamper healthy intimacy.
Problems are compounded however, and the acrimony and tempers run high when a lot of other people (whose emotions are also entangled in the whole scenario) try to interfere, with well-meant solutions no doubt, but such interference could be detrimental to salvaging the marriage. The marriage at one stage seems to belong to everyone else but to the couple! Rather than focusing on the relationship issues, the whole attention is on who is the greater culprit, who is hurt more, and who takes more blame.
They are unable to comprehend that when the individuals become larger than the relationship, then the blame game becomes the focus. The need to work on the marriage is what seems to be dying out. The knee jerk reactions include filing a police complaint against the boy's family on various charges
which may or may not be true; notice being sent without any attempt at talking things over, reestablishing and demanding conjugal rights; having private investigators collect evidence of affairs being indulged in; and having the children if any, being used as instruments of revenge, leaving lasting scars on their psyche. All these and many other unthought-of actions, compounded with ignorance of the legal system, tends to disillusion the next generation, thereby robbing them of any faith in the institution of marriage.
Scenes where both the boy and the girl keep looking to the others in the family who have accompanied them to court for answers are not an uncommon sight at the mediation centers. In such a scenario, the whole problem gets diffused under ego battles, family prestige, and social pressures. The crux of the problem, which in all probability would have been amicably resolved with a little bit of professional help, would be compounded by so much of interference. And what with the couple themselves not being either motivated enough to put in an effort to salvage the relationship, and
somewhere not being emotionally or financially dependent on each other, would soon be holding a decree of divorce in their hands.
So what can be really done to protect this institution of marriage from the claws of divorce? There is no single solution to this problem. But we could first and foremost work on the reasons why a couple get married in the first place. A couple of sessions with a professional counselor on premarital awareness would surely help both of them to have realistic expectations from their partner and their families. Awareness of the disparity in the families they come from, in terms of beliefs, value systems, lifestyle etc. would prepare them to ease into each other's marital homes.
Continuous need for open channels of communication, with effective conflict resolution techniques, spending quality time with each other to continue nurturing the relationship are all pointers which are stressed on in these sessions. This becomes all the more important in marriages which are a decade or so old, wherein the partners are so caught up in their other roles that they fail to enhance their relationship. Though there is no magic in such marriages, there is certainly a sense of comfort and camaraderie, and partners should strive to keep it going. Significance of Space and Support, the two very important ingredients especially in the early days of marriage need to be kept in mind all the time. While the boy need not take sides when the girl has a conflict with a member of his family, he certainly needs to convey the validation of her hurts to her. It is often totally accepted when a boy appeals to a girl saying she needs to "adjust", a six letter word which she comes to detest!
Similarly, he can discourage receiving of any complaints about her, allowing the concerned individuals to sort it out between themselves. He would need to make space for his partner in his life, and at the same time, not feel responsible for the insecurities faced by his family at the presence of the new entrant.
The girl's family needs to support and guide the girl into her marital life, without encouraging gossip and tales about her marital house being the subject of discussions. The girl needs to learn to strike out on her own, and though she can call her parents for support and guidance, she should be careful not to give an impression of not settling down in her marriage, and of being constantly guided by her parents or siblings. There has to be a strict ceiling on what matters should and should not be discussed by the partners with their parents, and both spouses must respect as well as adhere to these boundaries.
There are no readymade formulae for successful marriages. But there are certainly plenty of reasons to stay in one. And successful marriages do not happen by chance; they take a lot of effort, patience, understanding, acceptance and determination. One has a choice to make it work by refusing to buckle under the pressure surrounding these efforts, or one has the option of simply resorting to a divorce.... Which is not easy in any way, though the couple do not realize that till it is too late.
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