Nil and the abyss

I realize that when you want to say something, all of your faculties have to work. All of mine did... Except my voice. It stopped functioning. The thoughts rallied in my head but they were like wispy clouds, refusing to get out of my head and system. All I could think of was... It does not happen this way. It does not happen this way. A part of me stood outside, registering how the others reacted to the news - friends, his daughter, and the old people who cursed themselves for being around when he was sucked away in just a moment. Why am I not crying? Why am I not reacting like it is shown on the screen? Why am I in a limbo?

The questions. Repeated reliving of what happened. Reliving? Is it therapeutic ? Maybe. But who wants therapy now?

 

The ulterior meanings behind the questions… Couldn't you have responded sooner? Couldn’t you have taken him to the emergency rather than the doctor first? Couldn’t you have saved time? Are you sure he did not complain of any pain the previous night?

Did you fight with him the previous night?

Searched for his name in my mailbox. Got all his mails, and the first one said you are a strong woman. First of his many indications maybe that he was ready to go...

First of his indications that he trusted my strength.

So many calls, so many people... But he is not around to see them come home, to take their calls.

He was a simple man…

I learnt spontaneity from him...

Too straightforward a person, that was him…

Genial smile always…

So many one liners, which would bring back a flood of memories…

I am stocking it all up. Hope I remember to tell him all this whenever I connect with him again.

Sitting in the insurance office. Someone told me it would help me cope with reality if I start attending to all the mundane formalities on my own... It is not happening. I am only feeling very sleepy.

Someone comes in to offer condolences and does not talk to me... Says she does not know me, so did not know what to say. So she grills my elderly father for the gory details. 

I told her to leave the place. Was I rude? I don't know.

He has the house swarming with people. He loved it.

His well-meaning relatives, who had faded from his life called to say, “Please give us permission to share your grief.” I said “no...”

Someone called to say maybe my horoscope was wonked up, so that is why he went.

I told the person at least give him the credit to have chosen what he wanted in this at least. Let him be the strong man who chose to decide what he wanted to do, why should he be made the victim of my ill luck?

Life goes on. The missing grows on you. Or does it?

Small, insignificant details where his absence hits the pit of my stomach and the pain is physical...  For no apparent reason tears suddenly appear when I least expect them... When I am driving and I pass a spot where we shared a moment, when I am reading something I want to read out to him, when I cook something he loved, the times when he is with me are endless... How do I miss him then?

Words, words, words

How difficult it is to get your point of view across to someone who insists on personalizing everything you tell them as darts thrown at them!

My client's daughter was due for her driving license renewal, and she was too close to the last date for her to go for the test.  What started off as a discussion on the subject turned out to be quite an ugly debate on who is to take the blame for this delay. 

My client insisted on substituting the word blame with the word responsibility.  When her daughter tearfully said that she felt nervous if her father sat near her when she was driving, he started a long-winded explanation of how he has always encouraged her and asked how she could accuse him of discouraging her.  Her trying to tell him that feeling nervous and feeling discouraged were two separate feelings, did not seem to get across. He kept insisting that he had no part to play in the situation that existed.

My client's exercise was to try and identify each one's contribution to the current state of affairs. There were two points my client said she wanted to clarify.  The first was that it was not an exercise at blame game. She stated that she took the responsibility for not following up with her daughter on getting enough practice classes for her.  She also took responsibility for not making sure her daughter realized the importance of doing this at the right time so that she does not work on a crisis management system. She was also specific that her daughter owns up to her share of not doing what she had to: her taking onus of making sure she was ready for the test. Being a very responsible girl, capable of being trusted to do her own thing, it was definitely a lapse on her part, especially since it was happening the second time.  This was the learning for her, and the reason for this insistence was that she wanted to be sure the child understood that.

It takes a lot to do that: own up to your shortcomings.  My client was ready to label herself a  nag, as she tends to continue reminding people to do something they are supposed to; She also apologized for not having followed up, as she could have, even at the cost of reinforcing that label, avoided this situation;  and ended the discussion by again apologizing for any hurts that may have been caused during the confrontation.

But her husband refused to be compliant.  He insisted on believing that when his daughter said she felt nervous, she meant he was discouraging her. He also insisted on believing that there was absolutely nothing he could have done to salvage the situation, and went off on a tangent about how he cannot do anything without feeling he is being targeted. 

My client just gave up. And realized that when we are faced with any situation, rather than learning from what happened, all we do is resort to fault-finding and digging into our deep boxes of revenge to start hurling verbal darts at each other.  What kind of conflict resolution is that? And then we blame the universe for sending us lessons again and again, when we do not learn the first time over! I guess that was my learning in all this!