Sunday 27 October 2013

The Twin Confusion

It is indeed very difficult to deal with failure. But I feel it is more difficult to deal with success; especially when it is to do with success of someone else!

When we grow, we need to understand that growth is not unidirectional. We grow in a lot of areas, and when this growth brings with it a sense of change, and a need for a shift in perspectives, we need to be open to such change. Only then is it success. 

When I started out to be a counselor, I had to shift a lot of my beliefs and rigid values, to incorporate my therapeutic systems, and when I did that, I found that the change and development that happened within me made me a much more fulfilled person.  My relationships with my near and dear ones underwent remarkable positive transformations.

Some people accepted my change as being for the better, and I was slowly able to internalize this and realign those relationships. With others, there was stout resistance; they kept reinforcing that I was not the same person anymore! While I couldn't agree more, this set of relationships was also fine by me for these were people who loved me even when challenging me all the time!

I liked the new me, and so did my inner circle; I felt unconditionally accepted. The ones who did not accept the change fell out of touch, and I let them go, for our paths differed from here.

There were yet some however, who neither let go, nor accepted me with my new-found role as a successful therapist, and a changed being. These relationships were extremely draining for me to maintain.

This is what I meant when I said many people find it difficult to manage the success of other people. The slight innuendoes in the conversations, complete withdrawals for unspecified periods of time, then their sudden resurfacing when they needed something;  all started making me feel like a piece of rag a kitten plays around with.

You may ask me why I was allowing it to happen. As I write this, I am pondering on the reasons.  Is it because I have moved on and these others did not keep up? Since we started at the same point, perhaps I am feeling slightly guilty about my success? Or maybe my feelings about them have been ambivalent?

Every time I feel like having a confrontation, I choose to let go, for old times sake. And every time there is a repetition of this "use-and-throw" behavior, I promise myself that I will not let myself be treated like a dish rag again. I also realized that if this self-promise has to be repeated so many times over, then I am only fooling myself about the significance of these relationships. So can I gather enough courage to accept my success without guilt, in full form, and maintain my peace in withdrawing from such painful relationships with grace and dignity? Only time will tell.

Monday 14 October 2013

The wonder of simple pleasures

Thirty years ago, I boarded my first flight, all alone. I still can feel the butterflies I had in my stomach back then, and how I was trying to control the trembling in my fingers when I handed over my ticket and collected my boarding pass.

I walked towards the airplane, after bidding goodbye to my friend, feeling teary, but making attempts to be brave...

Your first flight, and you are supposed to be all excited right? Well I can't recall any emotional memory of excitement; it was predominantly fear, and sadness at leaving all that was familiar, on a trip to an unknown place.

When I turned back and looked, I could see my friend standing behind a tree, crying. I waved out, gave a thumbs up sign, trying to reassure her (or myself) and walked into the plane.

That was thirty years ago... Today, when I once again boarded a plane alone, I remembered all those memories and feelings, and marveled at how we go through the same thoughts and feelings again and again. Only today, I was a lot more composed, a lot more accepting of life and felt the motions of
actions as an observer.

However , the wonder of a rising sun over the mountains below you when seen through the window of the airplane, the whiffs of clouds rushing past and the multitude of colors the horizon took early in the morning are some things that did not cease to still captivate me... I would not like to pass by wonders of nature as if they were as casual and humdrum as merely existing!!

In that sense, I rewound again to thirty years ago, and hope I continue to do so! The beauty of a baby's smile, the smell of the first drops of rain on a dusty surface, the sight of your favorite flower, the feel of smooth grass or the sand on the beach under your feet, the giggle of a child when you tickle her.... These emotional memories should never cease to bring a smile to your face. If it ceases, then life becomes as mundane as just boarding a flight!!!

Saturday 5 October 2013

Getting Away

I am always amused by the fact that when I am away on a holiday, I am awake bright and early, but in the daily grind, when I am required to do so, I toss and turn, and require an external ring to jolt me awake!

I finished my stretches looking out at the sea, waiting for the sun to rise. All I can hear around me, when I am sitting at the balcony looking out at the sea in the distance is the chirping of the birds, the wind through the cashew trees. The bumble bee seemed to be very choosy, taking its time to settle on a flower, and I could also hear the buzzing of its wings, the absence of which was noticeable when it finally found a flower to settle on. I never knew sounds could be so palpable; or is it so because I am so aware, so tuned in to all my senses, that I am able to experience everything going on around me?

In the daily humdrum of existence we are living parallel lives, I guess. While we are up and running, we do not have time to listen to the subtle nuances of our lives, and we seem to need to tune in consciously before we can experience the calm stillness that I am doing now.

Yet I am not fully unwound. The stillness around me denotes a sense of calmness, while the noise of my thoughts is almost deafening.  A result of habit I guess. My thoughts flit from one to the other, like the bumblebee. But the bee's flitting seems to have a sense of purpose; it seemed to be its nature to do so. My thoughts seemed purposeless, and did not seem to offer any nectar when they did rest on one particular subject! Living with the present moment awareness is just that...  Letting your thoughts rest.

The sound of swishing water made me look around... A little boy was clearing the dead leaves from the swimming pool, which had a quaint tree right in the center! The birds sitting on the tree flew away, annoyed perhaps at someone having intruded into their morning litany. Much as I would have loved to sit around and gaze out of the balcony, the clearing of the pool reminded me of the fact that nature would have to step aside for the order of civilization, where we humans intrude on the privacy of the squirrels chasing each other on the branches and on the parapets and drown the sounds of birds, with the roars of our vehicles and the ringing of the telephone ordering for room service!

Maybe that is also why the sun, which looked so beautiful and serene just a while ago, is now beating down my face, even glaring at me.... The heat is on! Where is my sunscreen...?! 

Wednesday 2 October 2013

Of Struggles and Strength

"The struggle you're in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow. Don't give up."

I read this somewhere, and developed a lot of the strength to move on in life... One day at a time, one moment in time. For as long as I can remember, I have been a fighter... Never given up a fight, and have only become stronger as time moved on. I grew in strength, and also in experience and human relationships. One strange thing I encountered though, in my growth... People grew away from me. Nothing overt, but the dynamics of relationships slowly changed. The journey was akin to a bitter
sweet experience; love your strength, but hate your guts!

My strength has helped me go on auto-pilot in terms of crisis, but this very strength had been responsible for me telling people my true thoughts, and consequently making people feel uncomfortable and perhaps hating my outspokenness.

Which brings me to the thought: why is it that we need strength and guts to speak to people? Why is it that we are cloaked in artificiality, which does not allow the warmth of a true relationship to emerge and connect? And if and when there are feelings to be shared or hurts to be nursed, why do we need to steel ourselves to convey them?