Mile Sur Mera Tumhara!

It is festive season again, and the music is on.  I had decided that this season, I was going to catch a lot of concerts, and enrich my musical brain.  The first of the concerts I went for, was a jugalbandi with the blend of the north and the south.  I had a friend tell me sometime back, it is not necessary to know music to enjoy it; how true it was, I realized when I saw how beautifully the notes touched  a chord in my heart.  I do not really understand  Hindustani classical; for that matter, my knowledge of Carnatic music is also abysmal, though my exposure has tuned my ears to appreciate good music and filter it from bad performances! 

So, to come back to this concert.  The ambience was awesome, and I felt transported to a world where the stars shone dimly, the lighted pillars created by the event management team reflected the mood and spirit of the evening.  Music, especially soulful music, chokes me, whether I am singing or listening. This evening was no exception.  I choked and had tears rolling down my face, as the notes brought memories, nostalgia and emotions to the surface.   Someone had told me, when you sing and you can’t sing a high note because you are choked and emotional, you are having a musical seizure.  Well, I was having a series of them that evening all right.  Music blends all right, I had enough proof of that that evening.  Or, did I?

 

 

The person sitting next to me was a young girl, maybe in her late twenties, and she was also enjoying with her eyes closed.  But I noticed, that she would appreciate only when the Hindustani artist was singing, and would not even join in at the end of a particular Carnatic number when the whole hall was resounding with applause.  I found that extremely strange and a narrow appreciation of music. Maybe she did not really understand Carnatic music; but I am sure, a lot of the people, even me, did not really understand Hindustani music either;   but did that stop us from appreciating music? This was one sore spot on an otherwise perfect evening!

I believe that music does not know boundaries; why do we create them in our hearts then?  And the end of the concert was beautiful  with two lines from a nation-wide popular song which  conveyed that if your note and my note blend, then we create a fresh, new note! 

Alive Again!

Have you ever visited the past and felt you had travelled into the future leaving a bit of you behind, and then rediscovered yourself? It is an awesome experience, like finding a bit of a lost puzzle of a jigsaw. There is a sudden click, an "aha" moment, and suddenly you feel you had been searching for something you had misplaced in a wrong bag!

I visited Pune after 15 years... I had extremely fond memories of the place. I had been at my best I think then, living life to the fullest, taking healing classes, taking care of my family, learning new skills like Bonsai, making new friends, exploring new avenues. Somewhere along the line, when I moved out of the place, I think I left a bit of myself there, which I never realized. It was like I had packed everything, but left the baggage behind. And strangely, never missed the lost bag either. Maybe because I was so busy existing, I forgot to live. And I did not realize what I had lost, till I went back and found it. And what a find it was! I felt complete and whole again. Reconnected with parts of myself, reestablished old connections, and felt totally enveloped by the warmth of the
love I thought had been lost.

I did feel sad to see huge transformations too, like the old building I had been living in was razed to the ground, the shop I used to frequent for my groceries was no longer there...but that was reinforcing the fact that some things do change, and that it was not utopia, what I rediscovered. A paradoxical reinforcement I guess. I came back to see myself undergoing a slow transformation, picking up pieces of fragmented parts of me, and looking at myself in the mirror and seeing the birth of a new me! How I love this new discovery!

The Twin Confusion

It is indeed very difficult to deal with failure. But I feel it is more difficult to deal with success; especially when it is to do with success of someone else!

When we grow, we need to understand that growth is not unidirectional. We grow in a lot of areas, and when this growth brings with it a sense of change, and a need for a shift in perspectives, we need to be open to such change. Only then is it success. 

When I started out to be a counselor, I had to shift a lot of my beliefs and rigid values, to incorporate my therapeutic systems, and when I did that, I found that the change and development that happened within me made me a much more fulfilled person.  My relationships with my near and dear ones underwent remarkable positive transformations.

Some people accepted my change as being for the better, and I was slowly able to internalize this and realign those relationships. With others, there was stout resistance; they kept reinforcing that I was not the same person anymore! While I couldn't agree more, this set of relationships was also fine by me for these were people who loved me even when challenging me all the time!

I liked the new me, and so did my inner circle; I felt unconditionally accepted. The ones who did not accept the change fell out of touch, and I let them go, for our paths differed from here.

There were yet some however, who neither let go, nor accepted me with my new-found role as a successful therapist, and a changed being. These relationships were extremely draining for me to maintain.

This is what I meant when I said many people find it difficult to manage the success of other people. The slight innuendoes in the conversations, complete withdrawals for unspecified periods of time, then their sudden resurfacing when they needed something;  all started making me feel like a piece of rag a kitten plays around with.

You may ask me why I was allowing it to happen. As I write this, I am pondering on the reasons.  Is it because I have moved on and these others did not keep up? Since we started at the same point, perhaps I am feeling slightly guilty about my success? Or maybe my feelings about them have been ambivalent?

Every time I feel like having a confrontation, I choose to let go, for old times sake. And every time there is a repetition of this "use-and-throw" behavior, I promise myself that I will not let myself be treated like a dish rag again. I also realized that if this self-promise has to be repeated so many times over, then I am only fooling myself about the significance of these relationships. So can I gather enough courage to accept my success without guilt, in full form, and maintain my peace in withdrawing from such painful relationships with grace and dignity? Only time will tell.

The wonder of simple pleasures

Thirty years ago, I boarded my first flight, all alone. I still can feel the butterflies I had in my stomach back then, and how I was trying to control the trembling in my fingers when I handed over my ticket and collected my boarding pass.

I walked towards the airplane, after bidding goodbye to my friend, feeling teary, but making attempts to be brave...

Your first flight, and you are supposed to be all excited right? Well I can't recall any emotional memory of excitement; it was predominantly fear, and sadness at leaving all that was familiar, on a trip to an unknown place.

When I turned back and looked, I could see my friend standing behind a tree, crying. I waved out, gave a thumbs up sign, trying to reassure her (or myself) and walked into the plane.

That was thirty years ago... Today, when I once again boarded a plane alone, I remembered all those memories and feelings, and marveled at how we go through the same thoughts and feelings again and again. Only today, I was a lot more composed, a lot more accepting of life and felt the motions of
actions as an observer.

However , the wonder of a rising sun over the mountains below you when seen through the window of the airplane, the whiffs of clouds rushing past and the multitude of colors the horizon took early in the morning are some things that did not cease to still captivate me... I would not like to pass by wonders of nature as if they were as casual and humdrum as merely existing!!

In that sense, I rewound again to thirty years ago, and hope I continue to do so! The beauty of a baby's smile, the smell of the first drops of rain on a dusty surface, the sight of your favorite flower, the feel of smooth grass or the sand on the beach under your feet, the giggle of a child when you tickle her.... These emotional memories should never cease to bring a smile to your face. If it ceases, then life becomes as mundane as just boarding a flight!!!

Getting Away

I am always amused by the fact that when I am away on a holiday, I am awake bright and early, but in the daily grind, when I am required to do so, I toss and turn, and require an external ring to jolt me awake!

I finished my stretches looking out at the sea, waiting for the sun to rise. All I can hear around me, when I am sitting at the balcony looking out at the sea in the distance is the chirping of the birds, the wind through the cashew trees. The bumble bee seemed to be very choosy, taking its time to settle on a flower, and I could also hear the buzzing of its wings, the absence of which was noticeable when it finally found a flower to settle on. I never knew sounds could be so palpable; or is it so because I am so aware, so tuned in to all my senses, that I am able to experience everything going on around me?

In the daily humdrum of existence we are living parallel lives, I guess. While we are up and running, we do not have time to listen to the subtle nuances of our lives, and we seem to need to tune in consciously before we can experience the calm stillness that I am doing now.

Yet I am not fully unwound. The stillness around me denotes a sense of calmness, while the noise of my thoughts is almost deafening.  A result of habit I guess. My thoughts flit from one to the other, like the bumblebee. But the bee's flitting seems to have a sense of purpose; it seemed to be its nature to do so. My thoughts seemed purposeless, and did not seem to offer any nectar when they did rest on one particular subject! Living with the present moment awareness is just that...  Letting your thoughts rest.

The sound of swishing water made me look around... A little boy was clearing the dead leaves from the swimming pool, which had a quaint tree right in the center! The birds sitting on the tree flew away, annoyed perhaps at someone having intruded into their morning litany. Much as I would have loved to sit around and gaze out of the balcony, the clearing of the pool reminded me of the fact that nature would have to step aside for the order of civilization, where we humans intrude on the privacy of the squirrels chasing each other on the branches and on the parapets and drown the sounds of birds, with the roars of our vehicles and the ringing of the telephone ordering for room service!

Maybe that is also why the sun, which looked so beautiful and serene just a while ago, is now beating down my face, even glaring at me.... The heat is on! Where is my sunscreen...?! 

Of Struggles and Strength

"The struggle you're in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow. Don't give up."

I read this somewhere, and developed a lot of the strength to move on in life... One day at a time, one moment in time. For as long as I can remember, I have been a fighter... Never given up a fight, and have only become stronger as time moved on. I grew in strength, and also in experience and human relationships. One strange thing I encountered though, in my growth... People grew away from me. Nothing overt, but the dynamics of relationships slowly changed. The journey was akin to a bitter
sweet experience; love your strength, but hate your guts!

My strength has helped me go on auto-pilot in terms of crisis, but this very strength had been responsible for me telling people my true thoughts, and consequently making people feel uncomfortable and perhaps hating my outspokenness.

Which brings me to the thought: why is it that we need strength and guts to speak to people? Why is it that we are cloaked in artificiality, which does not allow the warmth of a true relationship to emerge and connect? And if and when there are feelings to be shared or hurts to be nursed, why do we need to steel ourselves to convey them?

When some wounds are never allowed to heal...

Who says it only takes enemies to cast shadows in your life?  The shadows cast by your own are darker and longer, and it takes quite a while for the sun to shine again through such shadows.

A couple of so-called close people suddenly dropped out of my life, existing just on the periphery, for the sake of appearances, I guess.  The drift was not very obvious, just subtle messages, but the change in frequency was evident.  People grow apart, dynamics of relationships change, and we
need to learn to move on, I told myself.

A bolt of thunder shook my world; there was an apparent coming together in sorrow. But it was just that: An apparent coming together.  The bond came unstuck slowly, which is worse than ripping the Band-Aid at one go. But unstuck it does come, and you clean the wound and leave it open for
fresh air to heal it, until only a scar is left behind.

In my case however, it did not happen.  The Band-Aid kept being ripped again and again, and I was being slowly sucked into a vortex of emotions till I felt tired and drained.  These so called well-meaning people kept touching my life through various other people, projecting a persona of care
and concern,  building a tower of empathy around them, and alienating me from them too.   I watched, helpless and silent,  and wondered which hurt I wanted to handle first: them moving away and the relationships dying out, or my own being sucked away from me and my own, who no longer even wanted to know what had happened, from my perspective.

I was advised to approach the dissenters at least once, and confront them for doing this to my life.  I have also wondered why I haven't done so...

And I have come to realize that I have indeed outgrown the relationship, it is only the residual hurts, which I know I will get over, and my cynicism is temporary.  What I was unable to handle was how they continued to interrupt my life, and sprinkle distaste now and then, exposing wounds that
had not yet healed. 

Besides, what right did I actually have to tell them to get out of my life?  None... And that is why I am not able to protect myself because people this side of the fence are willing to throw open the gates for them to walk in, throw the dart and fade out... Again... And again.... And again...

The Hounded Counselor

Being in the helping profession brings with it so many travails that I have started feeling that unless you have the heart of a soldier, you will be sapped of all energy and you would yourself end up as a client in need of counseling!

Being a practicing counselor, I have come across people with very many kinds of problems: those with issues that I have sometimes wondered whether would qualify to be labeled at all as problems, and also those where the problem is so serious that it calls for medical intervention. But suggesting medication is easier said than done. Clients refuse to accept the fact that their problems are pathological, and no amount of basic assessments showing them the scores which are statistically proven to be a cause for concern are good enough for them to seek chemical intervention. Believe me, this denial is more difficult to treat than the actual problem! 

I was approached by a socially prominent elderly gentleman who was quite pushy when it came to meeting me as soon as possible, and I should have had my alarm bells ringing right then! But handling the call more as a counselor than as a lay person being coerced, I agreed to see him after adjusting my appointment diary. The first appointment was for an intake session, and it was followed by a couple more sessions. Due to some personal reasons, I was unable to follow up with more sessions immediately as he demanded, and I explained to him about the required intervals, and I agreed to take on more sessions with him the following week. 

And that is how it all began. The client insisted I take on continuous sessions, and refused to listen to any logical explanations either about my unavailability or the necessity of such sessions. Nothing I said seemed to get through to him, and the messages he sent on my phone started getting nasty. I bore it for as long as I could; and then I just stopped responding when he demanded that I refund the fee for the sessions taken! Though I knew I was dealing with a client who had pathology and hence I was giving him a long rope, I realized that the time had come for me to stop being the tolerant counselor and accept that I had now become a victim of harassment! 

It got better when I stopped responding to his messages, but there was only a lull before it started again, now in the form of emails. I am still handling the issue, in the best way I can, without resorting to measures that may lead it to becoming ugly. I know I only need to mention it to a few people in his social circle, armed as I am with his diagnosis, for people to look down on him. But professional ethics do not allow me to do that. However, I am not sure how long it will take for my basic survival instincts to overtake my dedication to my profession!

Me and Myself

I am sure all of us live on demands from the environment on a flip-flop mechanism.  We all have our shades of personality which do not tally or merge with a given situation and all of us have our masks that we put on for various roles.  They are however different from the thinking hats that are worn consciously for various functions of our actions.

But is it possible to completely change one's thinking, to alter one's style of functioning just to appeal to a crowd and be acceptable?  Will you be able to be true to yourself if you attempt to drop standards, bend rules you believe in, just so that you are accepted, you can blend in and be a run of the mill product?

I am told that I am very strong, and bold in facing challenges in life.  In fact, this seems to be a predominant trait in my personality, to the point where my strength and demeanor tend to intimidate people.  Each emotional mountain I have climbed has hardened me, but it has not dulled my sensitivity to life and the living.  But it has also made me set higher standards for myself, and for people who work with me.  Under such circumstances, if I appear to be too demanding or taxing, then the person who is at the receiving end would be expected to rise up to the query and use the situation as a learning experience, rather than shy away from the opportunity of self-growth.
 

If I need to molly-coddle others and appear gentler and hold hands, I really do not see it happening for the simple reason that this style of functioning is not part of my personality. The soft kernel may be there in me, but what I choose to share with the world is the hard outer shell, take it or leave it.  I am right now on a path of intrapersonal growth, and interpersonal issues are secondary for me and my life's goals.

OMNIPOTENT

As I entered the room... The cell where I existed...

The silence, stark and loud, intense silence

Deafened me.

 

I wanted to scream

To break thru' the thick fog

Of memory.

When I stumbled against your presence.

 

The wounds which I had thought had healed,

Knitted together by time

Opened up...

And I gave in.

 

My sobs made war with your

Silent presence.

To D or not to D

COUPLES' QUARREL OVER LAST PIECE OF CORIANDER MINT CHICKEN ENDS IN DIVORCE!

The headline of an advertisement for an eatery spoke of how frivolous the institution of marriage is being treated  today. No reason seems small enough  to end a relationship. The justifications that partners give for the termination of their marriage do not seem to hold any ground and precisely because of this, the cases seem to drag on in the courts, perpetuating more acrimony and bitterness between the partners, ruining any slim chances of them getting back together again.

What could be the contributory factors to the increasing number of divorces, or marriages running into troubled waters?  The reasons could be many but some of them could be unmet family expectations, individual resentments, wide disparity in family systems, divergent belief systems, role conflicts, lack of emotional and financial interdependency, physical incompatibility etc.

The unmet expectations of the families seem to emerge as a crucial element.  Most marriages start off with the wedding pomp and show, during which, especially in the Indian context, family differences tend to surface.  The boy may get messages from his family about how the wedding was/was not conducted befitting their status. The boy carries these feelings into the relationship, and here it does not matter whether it was a love marriage or arranged!  Unhealthy conflict resolution techniques then have this information as ammunition to be thrown against the girl.  Ironically, these very incidents are even quoted in divorce notices!

The girl, on the other hand could start feeling resentful about how her family has to listen to the dictates of the boy's family, in this day of equality and independence.  Her ambivalent feelings would crop up if there are disagreements with her marital family, and she has started off the relationship with a certain bias in her mind.  Then it is a downward spiral all the way.  A partner who appeals to her patience and tolerance with his people only tends to make her feel more unsupported!

The unmet expectations could be also from each other, starting from the four shaky quadrants of a relationship: mutual trust, respect, companionship and love.  The lack of mutuality today is a prime reason why marriages falter.  A woman today is economically independent, and also educated, sometimes even more than her spouse.  If the spouse is unable to accept this, there is definitely trouble brewing.

But sadly, there seems to be a lack of emotional intelligence when it comes to managing relationships.  If the boy is unable to accept a woman for what she is: economically, intellectually and socially his equal,  the differences in the way the relationship is handled by both of them would be enough ground for conflicts to escalate.  This would result in major disputes, unless effectively intervened.

Which brings us to the manner of healthy conflict resolution.  Effective conflict resolution skills can  be  learnt, provided both the partners are willing to work on the relationship. We need to also understand  what is missing in the relationship.  The four crucial Cs: Count, Connect, Capability and Courage, though important in any relationship, are vital in a marriage.  Absence of even one can spell doom for a marriage.  Unfortunately, even after identifying the missing links, partners today do not seem to find the need or the inclination to work on the marriage.

Is it because of this lack of effort to work at the marriage that is showing up as an increasing number of divorces, or is it because the legal system is making more and more laws with loopholes which the couples reach out to, to escape the web of confusing conflicts?
  
How much do individual personalities affect the quality of a marriage and its tenure? Though by and large partners do end up being very different in temperament and demeanor from each other, if there is emotional compatibility, ironing out the differences is not very difficult, provided they are able to create their own marriage bubble, and have their own templates based on their respective values and belief systems.  If both partners are willing to respect differences, give each other space, and not allow others into their marriage bubble, these threats are minimized to a large extent.

A lot of what a couple brings into the marriage also stems from what they have imbibed as children.  The first marriage relationship that they have seen would be that of their parents.  While the marriage may not have been one long honeymoon, it would not have been without its share of conflicts either, and if either one of the parent has shared his or her own marital woes with the child, then these impressions are carried into his or her own intimate relationships. This parentification  either emotional or instrumental, has long term effects on the child's interpersonal relationships, which may hamper healthy intimacy.

Problems are compounded however, and the acrimony and tempers run high when a lot of other people (whose emotions are also entangled in the whole scenario) try to  interfere, with well-meant solutions no doubt, but such interference could be detrimental to salvaging the marriage.  The marriage at one stage seems to belong to everyone else but to the couple! Rather than focusing on the relationship issues, the whole attention is on who is the greater culprit, who is hurt more, and who takes more blame.

They are unable to comprehend that when the individuals become larger than the relationship, then the blame game becomes the focus. The need to work on the marriage is what seems to be dying out.  The knee jerk reactions include filing a police complaint against the boy's family on various charges
which may or may not be true; notice being sent without any attempt at talking things over, reestablishing and demanding conjugal rights; having private investigators collect evidence of affairs being indulged in; and having the children if any, being used as instruments of revenge, leaving lasting scars on their psyche.  All these and many other unthought-of actions, compounded with ignorance of the legal system, tends to disillusion the next generation, thereby robbing them of any faith in the institution of marriage.

Scenes where both the boy and the girl keep looking to the others in the family who have accompanied them to court for answers are not an uncommon sight at the mediation centers. In such a scenario, the whole problem gets diffused under ego battles, family prestige, and social pressures.  The crux of the problem, which in all probability would have been amicably resolved with a little bit of professional help, would be compounded by so much of interference.  And what with the couple themselves not being either motivated enough to put in an effort to salvage the relationship, and
somewhere not being emotionally or financially dependent on each other, would soon be holding a decree of divorce in their hands.
  
So what can be really done to protect this institution of marriage from the claws of divorce? There is no single solution to this problem. But we could first and foremost work on the reasons why a couple get married in the first place.  A couple of sessions with a professional counselor on premarital awareness would surely help both of them to have realistic expectations from their partner and their families. Awareness of the disparity in the families they come from, in terms of beliefs, value systems, lifestyle etc. would prepare them to ease into each other's marital homes.

Continuous need for open channels of communication, with effective conflict resolution techniques, spending quality time with each other to continue nurturing the relationship are all pointers which are stressed on in these sessions.  This becomes all the more important in marriages which are a decade or so old, wherein the partners are so caught up in their other roles that they fail to enhance their relationship.  Though there is no magic in such marriages, there is certainly a sense of comfort and camaraderie, and partners should strive to keep it going. Significance of Space and Support, the two very important ingredients especially in the early days of marriage need to be kept in mind all the time.  While the boy need not take sides when the girl has a conflict with a member of his family, he certainly needs to convey the validation of her hurts to her. It is often totally accepted when a boy appeals to a girl saying she needs to "adjust", a six letter word which she comes to detest! 

Similarly, he can discourage receiving of any complaints about her, allowing the concerned individuals to sort it out between themselves.  He would need  to make space for his partner in his life, and at the same time, not feel responsible for the insecurities faced by his family at the presence of the new entrant.

The girl's family needs to support and guide the girl into her marital life, without encouraging gossip and tales about her marital house being the subject of discussions. The girl needs to learn to strike out on her own, and though she can call her parents for support and guidance, she should be careful not to give an impression of not settling down in her marriage, and of being constantly guided by her parents or siblings.  There has to be a strict ceiling on what matters should and should not be discussed by the partners with their parents, and both spouses must respect as well as adhere to these boundaries.

There are no readymade formulae for successful marriages. But there are certainly plenty of reasons to stay in one. And successful marriages do not happen by chance; they take a lot of effort, patience, understanding, acceptance and determination. One has a choice to make it work by refusing to buckle under the pressure surrounding these efforts, or one has the option of simply resorting to a divorce.... Which is not easy in any way, though the couple do not realize that till it is too late.

Service Apartments

In the good old days, vacations meant visiting your place of origin, reconnecting with your roots, and reliving your childhood days. We carried back these memories as food for the soul, and also left behind for the hosts, fond  memories. It used to be also an opportunity to reestablish and strengthen bonds. Life was so much less complicated then!

Today, I dread it literally, when I have people coming over.  Not because I am antisocial. Not because I do not want to entertain. In fact, it is the exact opposite! I love having people over, the house is full of fun and laughter.  No,  I dread it because, I feel I am running a service apartment facility, and I for sure am not!! Visits have become so purposeful, and so motive-oriented, that it is very business-like, with only the commercial tag missing... And thank goodness for that! The "boarding and lodging facility" feeling comes, when the so-called near and dear ones do not behave like near and dear ones, but like visitors. There is a certain awkwardness, no openness in communication, issues are brushed over, and good-byes are said in a hurry, because the spirit of bonding has been missing.  I almost feeling like purifying the air after such people leave, the energy is so dense!

Of course, I have been told, you do your bit, you don't worry about how others react, at least be thankful they do come to see you ... Sure, I will.  Because you see, when I make my visits, I have had only one purpose: to visit.  My visits have no secondary agenda, and even if it does have, once in a way, it is balanced by the no-purpose visit...

Just to meet, just to bond, just to reconnect. And who am I to impose behavior patterns on others? Even if they are near and near ones, right? So I should stop feeling bad...

But this is how things turn acrid, they fade out, and slowly you start living a life for yourself, on your own terms. This is how your thinking patterns are overwritten, files are deleted from your system, you have telephone numbers you never want to call. And this is how you decide life is: autumn, red leaves slowly falling away from the tree.  The new leaves do appear, the tree does rejuvenate, but if you look closely at the trunk and the branches, it appears old and gnarled.  So I console myself saying, it is the law of nature.

Older relationships do move on, and if you continue nourishing the tree, it will sustain the new leaves, allow them to bloom.

 

So the Service apartment facility continues to remain open! To near and dear ones, of course!

Unasked and Unanswered

The child looked bewildered and lost as he entered my room. His two saucer-like eyes asked questions that his limited vocabulary did not allow him to ask.  Was he being brought to me for some mischief that he did not know he did ? Or was he here because of some reason that he would not even understand?

I looked inquiringly at the teacher, who seemed equally at a loss for words.  So I decided to initiate the conversation. The child refused to open up initially, and answered in monosyllables.  Then the teacher filled me in.  Apparently, the child had overheard a conversation between his parents where the father said that they would not send him to school, that he would teach him at home, as he was not studying properly.  The mother had also refused to buy the child some material that the child was required to bring to school for some project.

On gentle prompting, the child started contributing to our questions, and said that the previous night, his father had hit his mother while they were arguing about him.  The child went off to his room, closed the door and cried himself to sleep. He is now wondering whether he is the cause of all the misery at home!

How do you explain relationship dynamics to an eight-year-old boy?  Would he be able to relate to the situation if I tell him that adults also fight, and sometimes they fight ugly?

There is scant respect; no listening skills are employed, there are no boundaries, and it is all about a power struggle.

For the boy, all that mattered was how much was he responsible for the conflict.  For the adults, what other messages their irresponsible behavior conveyed was of least importance.  There was no way I could talk to them about healthy parenting. The partnership itself needed working on! There was no respect or dignity between the parents. All that was evident was the blame game, where they would not even think shared parenting was an important component of healthy and effective parenting. 

If there is unconditional love, respect for human dignity and acceptance of a person's frailties, then who says nurturing any relationship would be a problem? But here, the mother's unmet needs and the father's frustrations resulted in a bewildered child who may end up carrying the scars of dysfunctional parenting for the rest of his life.

A Reality Check

You know what they say about relationships: know them, enjoy them, never attempt to understand them.  I never really adhered to this maxim.  For me, everything I savor needs dissection.  But I understood it does not work with relationships.  There are dynamics at work there you would not figure out, undercurrents you are not aware of. And then, before you know you are facing a turbulence you had no warning of, and unless you are able to withdraw quickly, you are in the eye of the storm.

Is withdrawal better, or being in the storm? If it is the former, you are protecting yourself, perhaps even the other person, and all is presumably well. I say presumably because things are not okay till they are okay. Things are not clear until they are cleared.  I am not comfortable with just moving on, without resolution.  It’s like you are continuing on a journey, leaving some of your luggage behind!  You may not really need the luggage, but you only leave garbage behind, not luggage!

Anyway, if it is withdrawal, then I need to handle the discomfort at my level, redefine my thinking, and set rules for myself. 

And what if you are in the storm?  I would flounder, gasp for breath, even go under at times; but I will survive, for the feeling that I am facing the storm, attempting to set things right, gives me the strength to face it.

Unfortunately, in relationships it is not like that; it is not a choice I can make. The other person does not want to talk about what has happened, and the storm apparently dies down. Or does it?  What havoc has it left in its aftermath?

Equations redefined?

Viewpoints altered?

Relationships cautiously handled?

I know I will survive like I always have, but I have started believing more and more in the maxim of how you are molded by your environment and the next time someone tells me you have changed a lot, I am not going to protest, I am going to gracefully smile and say, of course I have; I am not a duck, water doesn’t flow off my back, it sticks there!

Validation

We have read of master psychologists who have come up with various theories of different levels of consciousness. I have found this fact very intriguing, that what we think we actually are, in reality,  is just a tip of the ice berg. A large chunk of us is the unconscious and the subconscious. 

The tip jutting out of the sea of existence is apparently the rational, judgmental part of ourselves, the self which maintains order in society, which convinces us to do the proper, right thing.  Conflicts  arise within us because we are governed by this aspect of ourselves and in this process, we tend to neglect the submerged parts.  No wonder then, that there is so much conflict, both within ourselves and all around us!

When we are faced with a conflict, two things happen: 

1. Our feelings rush in demanding acknowledgement: raw, unprocessed feelings, which cannot be right or wrong; they are just that - feelings.

2. Then, because we are programmed to be acting, thinking and feeling the "right" way all the time, the conscious, rational mind tries to take charge of the situation.

But then, what happens to these emotions which have been given birth to? They need to be attended to, and certified to existence.  We call this process as "validation". Because feelings are not right or wrong, they just ARE. When we allow ourselves to experience these feelings, they are processed and during this time of processing, they are accorded the validation that is so important for the energy arising out of these emotions. 

However, failing to understand the fact that this process bridges the gap between our conscious, so-called right-minded thinking and our subconscious emotive reactions, the latter is side-stepped in our hurry to resolve issues, take stock of a critical situation, and move on in life.

Try this:

The next time you are experiencing raw, volatile emotions, do not become judgmental. Do not try to rationalize either your feelings or the actions of anyone else. Just let yourself be with the feeling, allow yourself the experience, however unpleasant or illogical or irrational it is. Then, once a certain time period has passed, there would be a closure, and you could move on to listening to your conscious, rational mind.

Similarly, the next time you are called in to resolve any issue between two people, try not to become judgmental or interact with your rational, conscious mind. Instead, try to be at the same wavelength as the other person undergoing the pain, without jumping to a defense mode.  This validation period would allow both of you to come to a balance when the boat would steady itself, and then the communication would become easier;  simply because both of you would have been at the subconscious level, acknowledging the feelings, and then the conscious mind would be allowed to communicate effectively.

The Sunrise

The alarm clock that woke me up was not the fancy tune on my mobile, nor the electronic one that jars you awake and makes you want to bury your head deeper into your blanket and wish the sound would go away. Neither was it a recorded voice that urges you to wake up and reminds you of the mechanical day you need to start, if you need to get on in life. No, it was the sound of a rooster crowing in the deep stillness of the morning, in a place where you open your eyes and you don’t even hear the whirring sound of the fan in the background. 

By habit, one would want to go back to sleep. By habit of laziness, I would tell myself, I am not compelled to get up; I am on a holiday.  That thought did cross my mind for a second. However, I found the need for food to my soul was greater than my need for physical rest. The former won, and I was down on the bay window seat in ten minutes, waiting for the promised sight the sun rise would offer. Huddled in a thick blanket with a woolen cap on my head, I was hardly visible to anyone else, with just two eyes peering out at the darkness, willing the sun to rise!

He took his own time.  Meanwhile, my sensory organs were tuned in to the surroundings perfectly.  I could hear the silence… I could hear the rooster crowing time and again, and I noticed, it was at regular intervals.  I could hear an occasional dog bark in the distance, maybe at the milk vendor who goes from door to door, milking the cow for the residents and giving them fresh, warm milk. Milk in packets is a novelty here!  My auditory perception was at its peak… The swish of the eucalyptus leaves as they brushed and swished against each other, when the birds stirred restlessly…

The chirping started and all this while, I kept staring at the sky.  It had been pitch dark when I came downstairs. Now it was slowly changing to light, and I could see the clouds slowly taking various shapes, as the golden rays - or are they pink?  I'm not really sure - fell on them.  The hill ranges remained dark at the base, but the top of the ranges started appearing as the light slowly fell on them, and I almost forgot to click pictures  as I stared, mesmerized, at the transformation nature had to offer!

My cup of hot coffee became cold; I was not willing to take my eyes away even for a second as I was afraid I might miss out on some wondrous sight.   Slowly, as the world basked in the light of dawn, I could see the reflection of the sun on the windows; and I realized that though the light had been peering from one mountain range, the sun played hide and seek with me.  Suddenly, I found the sun popping up from behind yet another mountain, and it seemed he was grinning at me as if to say, 'tricked you'! 

If you are watching a sunrise for the first time, then let me tell you, you will not really know which spot on the sky he is going to greet you from, other than the general direction of the East! There he is, nice and bright, all done up and ready for yet another day, blessing the world with his light and warmth… Never am I going to complain about the heat of the plains, after witnessing how welcome he is here!

The chirping grew louder; the crowing cock fell silent: he was done for the day; I could hear my family come down for their breakfast; the occasional sounds of the vehicles passing by on the road signaled it was time for me to get on with my day. 

But what a truly beautiful start to life!

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO, WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY!!!

A bill of assertive rights

1. You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions and to take responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.
2. You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior.
3. You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems.
4. You have the right to change your mind.
5. You have the right to make mistakes – and be responsible for them.
6. You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.
7. You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
8. You have the right to say “I don’t know”.
9. You have the right to say “I don’t understand”.
10. You have the right to say “I don’t care”.

Nil and the abyss

I realize that when you want to say something, all of your faculties have to work. All of mine did... Except my voice. It stopped functioning. The thoughts rallied in my head but they were like wispy clouds, refusing to get out of my head and system. All I could think of was... It does not happen this way. It does not happen this way. A part of me stood outside, registering how the others reacted to the news - friends, his daughter, and the old people who cursed themselves for being around when he was sucked away in just a moment. Why am I not crying? Why am I not reacting like it is shown on the screen? Why am I in a limbo?

The questions. Repeated reliving of what happened. Reliving? Is it therapeutic ? Maybe. But who wants therapy now?

 

The ulterior meanings behind the questions… Couldn't you have responded sooner? Couldn’t you have taken him to the emergency rather than the doctor first? Couldn’t you have saved time? Are you sure he did not complain of any pain the previous night?

Did you fight with him the previous night?

Searched for his name in my mailbox. Got all his mails, and the first one said you are a strong woman. First of his many indications maybe that he was ready to go...

First of his indications that he trusted my strength.

So many calls, so many people... But he is not around to see them come home, to take their calls.

He was a simple man…

I learnt spontaneity from him...

Too straightforward a person, that was him…

Genial smile always…

So many one liners, which would bring back a flood of memories…

I am stocking it all up. Hope I remember to tell him all this whenever I connect with him again.

Sitting in the insurance office. Someone told me it would help me cope with reality if I start attending to all the mundane formalities on my own... It is not happening. I am only feeling very sleepy.

Someone comes in to offer condolences and does not talk to me... Says she does not know me, so did not know what to say. So she grills my elderly father for the gory details. 

I told her to leave the place. Was I rude? I don't know.

He has the house swarming with people. He loved it.

His well-meaning relatives, who had faded from his life called to say, “Please give us permission to share your grief.” I said “no...”

Someone called to say maybe my horoscope was wonked up, so that is why he went.

I told the person at least give him the credit to have chosen what he wanted in this at least. Let him be the strong man who chose to decide what he wanted to do, why should he be made the victim of my ill luck?

Life goes on. The missing grows on you. Or does it?

Small, insignificant details where his absence hits the pit of my stomach and the pain is physical...  For no apparent reason tears suddenly appear when I least expect them... When I am driving and I pass a spot where we shared a moment, when I am reading something I want to read out to him, when I cook something he loved, the times when he is with me are endless... How do I miss him then?

Words, words, words

How difficult it is to get your point of view across to someone who insists on personalizing everything you tell them as darts thrown at them!

My client's daughter was due for her driving license renewal, and she was too close to the last date for her to go for the test.  What started off as a discussion on the subject turned out to be quite an ugly debate on who is to take the blame for this delay. 

My client insisted on substituting the word blame with the word responsibility.  When her daughter tearfully said that she felt nervous if her father sat near her when she was driving, he started a long-winded explanation of how he has always encouraged her and asked how she could accuse him of discouraging her.  Her trying to tell him that feeling nervous and feeling discouraged were two separate feelings, did not seem to get across. He kept insisting that he had no part to play in the situation that existed.

My client's exercise was to try and identify each one's contribution to the current state of affairs. There were two points my client said she wanted to clarify.  The first was that it was not an exercise at blame game. She stated that she took the responsibility for not following up with her daughter on getting enough practice classes for her.  She also took responsibility for not making sure her daughter realized the importance of doing this at the right time so that she does not work on a crisis management system. She was also specific that her daughter owns up to her share of not doing what she had to: her taking onus of making sure she was ready for the test. Being a very responsible girl, capable of being trusted to do her own thing, it was definitely a lapse on her part, especially since it was happening the second time.  This was the learning for her, and the reason for this insistence was that she wanted to be sure the child understood that.

It takes a lot to do that: own up to your shortcomings.  My client was ready to label herself a  nag, as she tends to continue reminding people to do something they are supposed to; She also apologized for not having followed up, as she could have, even at the cost of reinforcing that label, avoided this situation;  and ended the discussion by again apologizing for any hurts that may have been caused during the confrontation.

But her husband refused to be compliant.  He insisted on believing that when his daughter said she felt nervous, she meant he was discouraging her. He also insisted on believing that there was absolutely nothing he could have done to salvage the situation, and went off on a tangent about how he cannot do anything without feeling he is being targeted. 

My client just gave up. And realized that when we are faced with any situation, rather than learning from what happened, all we do is resort to fault-finding and digging into our deep boxes of revenge to start hurling verbal darts at each other.  What kind of conflict resolution is that? And then we blame the universe for sending us lessons again and again, when we do not learn the first time over! I guess that was my learning in all this!

Elegy on the death of a relationsh​ip

I was idly surfing a social networking site the other day, and happened to see the friends I had on my list. The number floored me! There could have been no way I had gathered so many friends in my entire lifetime, so having these people as my friends in the few years of Facebook membership was ridiculous!  It sure set me thinking.

There were friends, and then there were friends of the friends, and then some.  People whom I have hardly said hello to perhaps, people who had no connect whatsoever with me. Yet, they figured in my list of friends, how ironic!

Well, was it?  In the virtual reality, it seemed so... But in reality? Aren't there people in our actual life as well, who are known as friends, even good friends, but how connected are they really to us? 

There are these shadows on the periphery of our lives, hovering there because either we do not know how to gracefully let go and move on, or they do not know how to continue the relationship or sever it.  They are like the extended friends list on the networking site; only difference is that they continue to be like a burr in the side, for there are shared moments of pain and happiness, and letting go is tough. More so, because the ending of such relationships does not have the finality of death... So it is like those arrows shot up into the abyss of a black hole...

One may expect it to fall back on the earth, possibly wounding the entry point again and again. What also makes the moving on so difficult is the fact that we are expected to continue being what goes into being magnanimous, simply because we have to keep a relationship alive.

It reminds me of a person in an  ICU. You know the person is slowly melting away, yet you do all that is possible to keep the person breathing under a ventilator. I would rather the person be under palliative care, and allow an easy transition. Just as I would let a relationship die gracefully, rather than simply prolong the agony by keeping something alive that no longer is.

Thoughts and Growth

The ring tone suggesting receipt of a message on my mobile phone disturbed my afternoon siesta. Since I was not still deep into the world of dreams, I reached out for the phone to check the message, something I usually do not do unless I am awaiting some news. However, a client had called in the morning, very upset and distraught, and I had promised to see her soon. I did not want to miss any of her signals of reaching out, which is why I promptly picked up the phone.

The message that I had received sure jolted me out of my slumber. It was from the mother of an 18-year-old boy who had come to see me sometime last year. The boy had been threatening to drop out of school; he was tense and anxious and was also being prone to violent bursts of anger.

Sessions with the mother and the father both revealed that the boy was under tremendous pressure from the mother, and the father was largely a passive parent. The high achieving mother was just not able to back off, and in a separate session, both the boy and his father requested that the mother be asked to ease off pressure.

The boy tested positive on an assessment for depression, and I had to urge the parents to seek medical intervention, which they did with a lot of reluctance. The mother too needed support for her intense anxiety levels but she would hear none of it, and I could not really force her to do anything she was not willing to.

During the brief period that they were under counselling, I recollect the boy reported feeling better, and also an improvement in his relationship with both his parents. He mentioned a change in his mother's constant high expectations as well.

As it invariably happens, they dropped out of sessions, and I put away the case; till yesterday, when I received a couple of absolutely filthy and abusive messages from the mother, accusing me of being unsupportive, and not being able to empathise with clients. The messages ranted about how the sessions did not help her son even a bit. She advised me to stop practice, saying it would benefit society. She also informed me that her son had managed to clear entrances for various courses, and that my suggestions to back off had been of no use.

In the counsellor mode, I immediately sensed pathology in the mother: not because she was hurling abuses at me, but because I realized that her anxiety had reached sky high and she was letting off steam. I recollected having suggested help for her to handle her anxiety even then, and she had admitted to being high strung most of the time. So, I just acknowledged her feedback, and wished her son good luck.

The messages did not stop there, but compounded in ire and length, and she even called me... Maybe just typing out was not enough, she wanted to scream her guts out! But my understanding of her as a client fell short of allowing myself to subject to foul language and I did not take her call.

I personally believe that being counsellors, we too grow in our personal lives, and each client is a learning experience. Thinking about the whole episode, I realized that I was not getting upset or disturbed about the vilifying and maligning words. I was able to understand where the mother was coming from, and was just not personalising the whole issue. For me, it was a huge step in managing my own emotions!

Also amazed at the way I was handling the situation, and thinking the effects would perhaps hit me later, I went back again a couple of times to read the messages, wondering if my temper would slowly boil up. But there was only this calm all the time.

Have I moved on? Have I learnt to discount behaviour that would otherwise upset me and make me react in a knee jerk fashion? Or it this a one-off incident ? I went back to a couple of other personal situations during the course of the week, and realized that my responses had been subdued, and unlike the 'me' of some months back.

Hope the change lasts!