Relationship Dynamics

Today was a huge revelation for me in terms of relationships.  I learnt that the world would want you to handle your life in a particular way. You can cry yourself hoarse from the rooftop that this is not your way but they would not leave you alone. So you have two options: Either you can continue to get mauled by people with their opinions, or ride the waves, rise up and declare, "Sorry buddy, I refuse to be abused anymore."

I was in a workshop, which ironically spoke about relationship dynamics. A very old friend: old in terms of the periodicity of the relationship (we went back twenty five years): was also there.  Now this relationship no longer existed on my radar. Though i know that relationships need not be purposeful, there definitely are times when you look to those people for support. In times of our greatest need, in times of crises when we are struggling to stay afloat, and this very person adds to the salt in the sea, well, then the loss is multiplied manifold. 

They say when it rains it pours... It really poured. Two years ago, when i felt lost, stranded and was swimming in the storm of life, this very friend disappeared from my life. I wouldn't wish what I went through on my worst enemy. But when this so-called "best" friend turned her back on me, for reasons best known to her, I wrote an elegy on the death of that relationship too, and buried it away. I know no reason would be good enough for her acting the way she did and I did not care if she had a good one.

So I understood that people view relationships differently and I was okay with that.  And then today, she comes up to me and catches me with a flippant remark of remembering old times when the facilitator remarked on friends.  Didn't she know that I had moved on?  Did she really think that with this huge chasm between us, created by her deliberate unavailability when I needed her the most, I could actually respond to her remark as a casual observation? And when I mentioned to her that I did not think of her when the trainer made the comment about friends because I had moved on, she says, "Yeah i know..."

What do you make of such people, who come across as plain callous and do not even think of apologizing when they stamp your feet? Not that an apology would have salvaged the relationship: it didn't exist anymore. But how do you handle the deliberate stampede? 

I walked away with the feeling of loss... Loss of the fact that I had wasted 25 years befriending someone who had no inkling of either human emotions or the tenderness that goes into handling them.

PARKING RIGHTS VS. BEING HAPPY

I saw a lady peering at us through the high gates of her bungalow, as my daughter switched off the ignition and we started getting out of the car. We had gone grocery shopping and after driving around for more than twenty minutes we decided that we would go quite further away and park though it meant lugging heavy bags back. 

So, to come back to the bungalow lady, she came out and peremptorily declared... you can't park here. I thought for a moment it was really a No Parking zone, and looked around for the sign. But no, we had not parked in front of any gate, or hospital, or even blocking access to any parked vehicle or building. So I told her politely otherwise, but she became aggressive... We have our car coming in a while. We need to park here, she said. Hearing the commotion another member of the family  joined in, and declared that they have two or three cars and they need parking space. On the road? By right? In a public space? They claimed my car  was in their space,  their property and in front of their boundary wall. One of them picked up their mobile and threatened to make a phone call. It would have been funny if I was not so irritated by then. I mean, here was an apparently decent and cultured family, owning a huge property in prime space, yet was fighting a street brawl for a car that had not yet come, reserving the space as one would by putting a handkerchief through the window of a third class compartment in the trains.  

I could have just walked away without giving them a thought. Legally I was on the right side of law. But frankly I was scared. People who could come  down to this level would stoop to even damaging my car if I left it there. So, we went hunting for a space to park again, and found a slot further ahead. The evening was lost, we shopped half-heartedly and came back.

The people I related this to all said I should not have moved away, that I had been in the right. Maybe. But then, I would have wondered why we fight certain battles... Would it have proved a point to them? When I said I had my right to park there as it was a public road, they wanted to know on what basis did I have the right! Did they want to see my ID proof as a citizen entitled to use public spaces? Was I going to teach them something they already did not know?

It was a plain and simple power struggle. And who does not like to win an argument? But I wanted parking space, not a feel-good emotion of having won an argument.

 

But I am human after all; and I couldn't help but feel a sense of glee when, on our way back, we found the girl standing guard for the parking space! In my mind, I relegated her to be a watchman...! An hour later, when we passed by the same house again, the expected car still had not arrived. However, their gates were left wide open, presumably for someone to rush out on hearing the sound of any car attempting to park in "their slot". What a way to live! 

 

Of angels and demons...

It has been a while since i captured my feelings into words. Not that I was not feeling in words, just that it seemed an enormous effort to put them down on paper. But then seeing that everything seems an effort these days, this almost seems like a comfort zone, like coming back home.

 

I keep declaring that i would like to live on my own, but then keep getting drawn into interactions, which upon reflection seem to be of my own making. Be it the start of a project, or the securing of something for someone, I have observed how easy it is for me to be drawn into a conflict, which only seems to pull me into a quagmire from where I emerge scathed, wounded, and perhaps scarred for life. 

I am expected to have the ability to take any judgment from people about me, simply because I am strong, and that very quality is my undoing, I guess. That also does not stop people from doling out unsolicited advice on my people skills, though in the same breath, they also comment on how I am the only one who could get things to move! 

 

It all makes me wonder then, what urges me go out searching for such situations... Or do I invite them?  I think now, that it is because I am wrong in my assumption that I make a difference in this world, and that if there is anything that needs to be attended to, I am the one who has to do it. I think it is because I care too much about everything, and in my anxiety to make sure that the world moves on well-oiled wheels, I rush in where even angels fear to tread.... So does that make me an angel, who has her wings rudely snipped off, or a demon that in the end I am made out to be?

Relationships

It is relationships again.  My observation of how frail they are, and how less it seems to matter to one till we come to the brink of a dangerous  precipice where we are almost on the brink of slipping. 

Why do we do this all the time I wonder?  Is it because we have the supreme confidence that we are bound by a label we give to its existence, and hence become complacent?  Instead of treating it like a plant of a rare variety, which we tend to with a lot of attention, and nurturing, we tend to treat it like a bush of country rose, which grows untended, but still gives us lovely blooms. Till the groundwater is depleted, or vital roots are cut away, and the plant finally gives up, tired and gasping. 

Sometimes, however, we also get a little fed up of the plant, and would like to replace it. But I guess that happens only when it is barren, there is nothing to resonate with, and it is an effort, just tending to it.  That is why, everything I guess is a two way process, an energy exchange.

When you do not feel like taking a call, or making one to someone, when the person is not automatically in your thoughts when you feel like sharing, when a conversation with someone is stilted and it is an effort to carry on, I guess you can safely conclude there is something amiss.  Either you have grown apart, or there is simply a dead end;  then you either redefine the relationship, or simply end it there.  Rather that I guess, than go through the motions of pretenses, which only serves to strain both you and the relationship further.

I resort to redefining.  Simply because sometimes the frequency mismatch is so huge that even talking about it to the person may not help.  I mean, that is the problem in the first place!

So if we are all clear that a lot of relationships, with labels and sanctions or otherwise, are need-based, I guess we can avoid a lot of hurts and recriminations.

The Glass Bubble

I waited for the watchman to open the gate to park my car inside. Glancing around, I saw a car parked a couple of meters away. The AC was running in the car and though the glass was rolled up, I could see a little girl in the front seat, with a person at the driver's seat. The child seemed to be eating something, and suddenly the window of the car rolled down, an empty carton of juice and an empty  packet of chips came flying out of the window. I parked my car inside, went out of my building, and tapped on the window of the parked car. The child looked out at me with her nose stuck to the glass, and I smiled at her. The man, presumably the father, rolled down the window. I addressed the child, gently telling her not to litter the road, and how we all need to take care of our environment. Before I could even complete my sentence, the father took off. He wanted to know why I was bothered, to mind my own business etc. When I remonstrated that it was part of our responsibility to our children to teach them such attitudes, he shot back, "Ok then you come in and take a class for my child..." And he rolled up the window!!!

 

Is this what our futuristic view is about? Are we not obliged to impart knowledge on how to live a more fruitful, meaningful life to the next generation? I have come across parents who feel they can create a glass bubble for their children. But then, when the children do have to move out into the world, all survival skills, social rules, feelings of empathy and interpersonal skills are missing. Children who grow up with the 'I, Me, and Myself' attitude have a very warped view of others and the larger world in general, and they fancy themselves as either the 'He Men' of the Universe, or wither away and fade out, without leaving any mark on the sands of time.

 

Education is important; we spend so much time, effort, and money on making sure our children hold a valid degree. Can we also make sure they are equipped to be caring, gentle and sensitive human beings, who care for the world and Mother Earth too?

Tunnel Vision

I think I know now, why the world is shrinking so much. A lot of us are developing what is called a tunnel vision.  We do not take a moment to think differently, to see a different perspective, we are not pausing to reflect a moment on how our words and actions can actually convey different meanings to the other party. In other words, we have taken relationships, people and the world for granted. It is fine if all of us develop tunnel vision I guess, but then there is this minuscule section of the human population, which believes in fully functioning eyesight!

I had gone for a film with a two of my friends, and at the last minute, one of them told me another one of her friends was joining us. Well I was not really fine with it, as this particular person was not really someone I got along with, and all of us were aware of this fact.  In fact, our last meeting a couple of years ago had been extremely unpleasant, and our common friend was quite aware of this fact. But not wanting to be a killjoy, I went along. After all it was just a movie, and we were not really at loggerheads! There was some confusion about the tickets, but I refused to allow anything to spoil my afternoon, and so just left it to them to sort out the issue. My friend picked me up on her bike, and I was not sure how her other friend was landing up, but like I said, I was set to enjoy myself, and it was not really my problem.

After the movie was over was when there was a feeling of intense discomfort. One bike and three of us... How do we get home? And this is where I got the feeling I mentioned when I  started out writing this piece. She just turned to the other friend who had accompanied us, and who stays on the other side of the town, and asked her if she would drop me back home. "Otherwise, I have to make two trips," she said. I was taken aback at this blatant brushing of social decorum, which I think should exist in every relationship, however close. I mean, the vehicle is mine, the plan for the movie was mine, and here I was, left wondering whether someone would be kind enough to drop me back home! And all because of another individual with whom I did not share much in common, and who in fact had been downright rude during our last meeting. 

Was I wrong in feeling I was being taken for granted? Would it not have been more appropriate if I had been informed earlier about the change in plans, and also about the subject of conveyance so that there would have been no awkward moments, no discounted feelings?

I have been the kind of person who would love to have all her friends get along with each other. But I also have realized it is not possible. So I have learnt to keep my social circles separate, for I would not want anyone to be uncomfortable at my expense. But here I was, thrown into a situation which was distinctly uncomfortable. I also had to apologize to the friend who dropped me back home, as she would not hear of me getting back on my own.

 
All in all, what I was looking forward to as a relaxed afternoon, turned out to be discomfiting, leaving an unpleasant taste in my mouth. It made me mull over human behavior, and of course, reach for my note pad to share!

Good Parenting?

I settled down in my seat with my juice can and the tub of popcorn, waiting for the movie to start. I always like to catch the movie right from the beginning, including the advertisements and documentaries, though I may not watch them. I glanced around casually, wondering how full the theatre would soon be, and also idly commenting to my friend on the various people who were walking in.

A little boy said..."excuse me"  and I moved my legs to let him pass. He had a satchel on his back, and he soon settled down two seats away from me. Thinking some accompanying adult would follow him, i sat with my legs stretched out in the aisle.  But the movie soon started, and I found that the boy had settled down quite comfortably and was already attacking his tub of popcorn. I had  thought for a moment that he may have come without his parents' knowledge. But there were no furtive glances around, he looked pretty comfortable, so i discounted that thought. The thought that he may have come unaccompanied crossed my mind, but I ridiculed the idea and started watching the movie, and soon was immersed in the storyline.

Sometime just before the intermission, I saw the boy again. The seat next to him was still empty.  When the lights came on, I started talking to him. He told me his name, the class and the school he was in etc. When I asked him why he had come alone for the movie, he told me that his friends had gone for another movie in the same multiplex, but he wanted to see this one so he was here alone.

Now, the movie was not exactly kids' stuff, and certainly not to be watched unsupervised. In fact the certificate clearly said under parental guidance. Let alone the fact that the child is going home with unanswered questions about the movie, how neglectful could the parents get, sending a ten-year-old alone to a theater, where you have absolutely no idea who is going to be sitting next to you?  Did they for a moment think about the possibility of  harm befalling the child?  He did not even carry a phone, for at the end of the movie, he asked me for mine, to call his dad to come and pick him up. 

I was very uncomfortable with the whole incident; without really giving it a second thought, I picked up my phone, and called the number the child had called, and spoke to the father. I was prepared to be told to mind my own business, but I was in for a ruder shock. The father simply says, that the boy was being very adamant about wanting to go for the movie, so they sent him. 

So tomorrow if the boy asks for the moon, will they buy off NASA? Or as an adolescent, when he has primal urges, will they allow him to have his way?

Now I know why  society is on a downward slide. It is simply because we are not being responsible parents. We are only being good parents. We are not teaching children the difference between wants and needs. We are not teaching them delayed gratification, we are not teaching them impulse control. Result? Go ahead and break traffic signals, throw acid on people, because you do not get what you want, then and there, generally live life the way you are comfortable, and let the world go to the brink of destruction. What good is a moral science lesson going to do, when parents are not able to follow the basic tenets of raising a child?

Are relationships only skin-deep?

We are as a species, so unsatisfied with whatever is current in our lives.  We pretend that all is well with our world, while we are seething with restless feelings of neglect, insecurity, or even resentment at why life is not the just as we want it.

I guess to a certain extent, all of us are human enough to undergo these feelings, but it really gets one thinking about how much is really true of a person who you thought you really knew well.

I am generally known to be a person who has a lot of friends, and though i do not really have an equally deep relationship with each one of them, all of them are dear to me, and fulfill different needs in my life.  One cannot be replaced by another, and i know some of them cannot even resonate with each other. But that is fine by me, and I would not want anyone of them to be any different than they are. I may crib about them, snap at their idiosyncrasies, but at the end of the day, they are all an integral part of my life, and they all know it.

Or so I thought. Till today, after a phone call from one of those very dear friends, with whom I have really shared a lot, and who I had thought knew me so very well.  During our conversation, when I mentioned that we had earlier spoken about something that we were discussing, she denied it, saying, you must have done so with someone else, you have so many friends, and are so busy anyway.

The statement sounded innocuous; yet it did not feel so. Behind the words, I sensed a feeling of hurt. Was I not talking to her as often as I used to? Was I neglecting some relationships for others?  Did I at any point in time make her feel less important to me than she was?

These and so many other questions flitted in my mind like cotton flakes.  I want to know, is it really so difficult to maintain relationships? They are so fragile; I am even scared to ask whether she meant anything else when she made that remark. Could I have been responsible for her feeling we are not meeting or talking often?

We all make choices, and we need to understand that in a relationship there needs to be space, otherwise it becomes claustrophobic.  I have had friends who have dropped out of my life, like autumn leaves, simply because they have not been able to digest the fact that I had a thickly populated social circle!  I felt caved in there, and was only glad to let them go.  

But in this case, it hurt, not the comment per se, but the fact that it came from a person, who I thought accepted this as an integral part of me... And yet I discovered that it was not really so. At least that’s what I understood...   I hope I am wrong.

Coping by Avoidance

Today a friend of mine told me that she would avoid all those discussions with me which would cause me to hurt from inside. She meant she would avoid reporting those incidents or episodes where she feels I have had an unfair deal and she would not have had the power to stop it happening. 

It set me thinking. Is that the method I would employ to deal with my hurts: Not talking about it?  Was it  not her way of coping with her hurt which stemmed from her own feeling of being helpless in mending the situation?  I would not like to be protected from hurts by well-meaning friends building a wall of protection, consciously not allowing me to be privy to any information which (in their opinion) would cause me pain.  I would rather have the brickbats and develop my resilience against them. 

Agreed, the process may be extremely painful, it may appear to some as being masochistic!  But that is what life is all about! I feel, growing from pain is essential, either by dulling yourself to it, or desensitizing yourself to it, or evolving a stronger person from it.  How else do you explain evolution?

I also feel that a certain amount of artificiality would creep into our relationships if we start this process of information filtering, simply because we doubt the other person's ability or emotional quotient to deal with the information.

I do not subscribe to the fact that 'what you do not know, does not hurt you'. Facts have a strange way of getting across to you, and I have found this happening one too many times in my life! I'd rather have them directly from my friends, than have them reaching me from a bulletin board!  But again, these friends feel discomfort in being the bearer of unpleasant tidings, and so would like to avoid the topic altogether.  I understand where they are coming from, and somewhere they may even hold themselves responsible for the pain they are causing me. 

Well, I attribute this fear to the olden times, when some kings would behead the messenger who would bring bad news to court! That surely is not the case now, right? The bearer of bad tidings is not responsible for the news. I am mature enough to realize that. I only hope my loved ones will credit me with such maturity and not hold back just to avoid "hurting" me.

Social Sensitivity? Or just plain Self-importance?

Nothing seemed certain anymore.  Ever since I got the news that a dear friend of mine is in the Critical Care Unit of a hospital, because of an emergency medical condition, I was in a daze. I felt like a helpless warrior in a battlefield, who is suddenly facing arrows from all sides, and is at a loss to know which side the next missile is coming from.

The situation was made more helpless by the fact that the family is a very closed one, and  I was not able to access information directly.  I spent a sleepless night, and then decided to visit the hospital the next morning, even if not to see her, to at least speak to someone who would be able to assure me she will pull through.  The visit was not very successful;  not only was the attendant who was there unable to tell me anything I did not already know; but I was also discreetly told to avoid calling and visiting them till such time that the crisis was managed.  Of course, I understood;   and helpless though I felt, I respected the request.

 I also realized how less importance I attach to such peripheral courtesies.  Like for example, I am aware of some people who have conveyed deep anguish at not being personally informed when there has been a problem or bereavement.  How does it matter how the information reaches you? You know there is a problem, just pitch in and help, instead of having a debate on social courtesies and information flow process!  When my friend’s father- in-law passed away, in the confusion, she forgot to call me, and I got to know after the funeral was over. I just rushed there simply with the intention of wanting to know if there was any way I could help, with food or taking care of the children.  Isn’t that what living together all about?  Holding hands when needed, and letting go when not?

But no, we will sit down to dissect how propriety has to be followed.  And when we are told to back off too, we will insist on showing that we care.  We can care anyway right, without declaring it?  I know folks who will insist on letting everyone know how many temples they visited for somebody’s sake, how many prayer meetings they have held, almost as if they are taking responsibility for the person’s healing!  

Reminds me of the movie where God decided that he needed a break and allowed a human to take over his job! Let us not be under the notion that we are Omnipotent; let us just be a cog in the wheel, in the larger scheme of things, where everyone takes charge of his or her own life and choices.  Let us just be a conduit for a share of any blessing someone is receiving, and do our work silently.  There is enough noise pollution in the world as it is, without our trumpets!

Are marriages made in heaven?

As a counselor who has handled a lot of marital cases, it is like living every relationship over with the couples.  You feel their individual pain, and their unmet expectations in the relationship, and also the helplessness of the partner who feels he or she needs to just give in for the sake of peace.  Counseling has not really worked there; for if the client is no longer comfortable, and the change is not from within, then it is compromise.  And counseling is not about compromise; it is about acceptance and internalization. 

Like the client who came in the other day, insisting that she just wants an out: she says she has no  problems with her partner, and her children, it is the family she cannot stand, and so she wants to either walk out of the marriage, or just live with the husband and children, and forget the extended family! To give her credit, she also does not claim she is being right; just that she does not WANT to.  She claims she is not able to forget what all has happened in the past, and so she is not willing to forgive.  The husband looked on, helpless, just a mute spectator while the wife raved and ranted.

They are supposed to come back after a while, and she is ready to move out for a while to give herself a break.   But I am also wondering about that one couple, who had been in an extremely stormy relationship and having reached an impasse, for want of any other option, they decided to give a break: both to the counseling sessions, and to the relationship.  The wife came for a couple more sessions, and then dropped out.  The other day, when I was clearing old telephone numbers from my mobile, I happened to come across her number, and just sent her a courtesy message. 

The response surprised me:  She said they were back together, and that she wanted no link with the past, so did not want to keep in touch with me.  I know counselors are not supposed to take the words of clients personally, but I wonder whether this girl was simply being avoidant, burying issues deep within, just to continue her relationship? And any contact with the counselor, who had helped her face her emotional conflicts, was only a reminder of this faulty coping mechanism?

I also wonder if she would be able to completely shut the doors on the past, and start a new life, and so have nothing to do with anyone from her past?  How healthy  would such an attitude be, and how much damage does it do to one’s own persona ? My call would have been a very unpleasant reminder of the conflicts in her life, but if she had resolved them and then got back together with her husband, then my call would not have disturbed her.  And if she had got back without resolving them, I only hope and pray  that she is resilient enough to live out the life she has chosen.

Pain...

All of us carry so much pain within us... They stick to our psyche, the shallow pains like cotton flakes, but the deeper searing pains, even after its all over, like a constant burr to our side. These burrs leave a seed of discontent on us, and they slowly grow into mighty oaks, splitting us apart at times.  Do we nourish these seeds with our thoughts and our feelings, water them with our salty tears and then pretend to smile at the world, not letting the world know the wounds these thorns leave on us?

We heal - at least, we try to heal and move on -  the catharsis happens, but does the wound heal ever? The pain of the event is spoken about, discussed, expected responses are submitted. But one is so alone in the journey of the psyche.  The soma is supported but the psyche comes and goes alone.  We all seek a hand to hold but reach out to empty air. 

 

The sound of pain: so heart-wrenching, the color: so dark and grey. 

 

We use our senses to describe and personalize pain, but words fail me when i need to tell people about my pain. Do we need to be verbose about pain?  Do we need to verbalise to heal?  Or is it enough to feel to heal?  my tongue feels thick and salty... Yet pain has no taste... Its just raw....

Thoughts

The radio crackled, as I put on my seat belt and prepared to drive to work.   I tried tuning in, adjusting the station, but to no avail.  Though the radio jockey was audible, yet there was this constant sound of a bee buzzing in the background, which turned quite irritating, the last thing one required on a busy Monday morning, while driving!  So I switched it off and had my thoughts to keep me entertained as I drove.

And as I was thinking, I realized the reason why the radio was misbehaving.  The boy who cleaned the car for me had told me last week that the aerial had been damaged and needed replacement.  Over the busy weekend it had totally slipped my mind; no wonder the needle on the radio had not been able to catch the signals properly! 

Now, I guess a lot of our life situations are like that.  We all need our antennas to receive our signals from our environment.  Sometimes, the signals are from our past:  from our mind’s eye, where a current situation, the needle, triggers a memory from our past, and we are able to instantly connect to either episodic memory or an emotional memory from our past.  However, most of the times, the antenna, instead of giving us clarity of the present moment, shoves us into pain and we are no longer listening to the present.   This jolting to the past does not anchor us to the present.

I guess the antenna needs changing.  I guess we need to use an antenna called mindfulness, living in the present to enjoy the music that is playing today, instead of focusing on the memories that the needle triggers.  I remembered then how yesterday, while having a conversation with a friend, she brought up someone whom I had thought I had erased from my memory.   I had; but only from the episodic memory: the emotional memory still held oodles of pain, and the conversation brought back all the pain and the sadness I had thought I had resolved.    This conversational antenna did nothing to resolve my issues with this person, and though we talk about forgiveness and letting go, I realized that unless I either choose not to tune in to this station, or alternatively, have a faulty antenna, I am going to continue having to listen in with constant disturbance in the background.  

It was my choice.  Do I not tune in there, or do I use the antenna of rationality to reason out the issue, or do I simply practice mindfulness?  Do I just live in the present, notice my painful thoughts as they are triggered?  Do I accept that this is an issue of my life that I need to experience, the pain from the past, simply because there are some things that can never be resolved?  

I am still searching for answers.

The Tides of Life

Was Robinson Crusoe happy staying away from the human world of wonder?  Granted, he must have been extremely lonely, and must have missed great support systems. But  here, on this boathouse, watching the breaking dawn in the far horizon, with only the sound of lapping water against the boat, I feel like Crusoe... Away from civilization with only the coconut palms, and the water hyacinths for company; with endless stretches of water as far as my eyes can see in the pre-dawn dark.

The sound of steady rowing caught my attention, and I saw a row boat barely visible because of its thin, elongated shape, approaching my houseboat.  It was so thin, it looked like a  log of wood and as it neared me, I could make out the shape of a wizened old turbaned man, rowing away effortlessly. He passed by so close, I was afraid he would hit the boat I was in.  As he noticed me, he waved out and grinned at me as passed. Pure reflex as a social being made me wave out to him. 

Closely following him a while later, passed what they call a bus boat or a ferry. Life was starting to unfold. On the other side was a small pathway that led to the village. The crowing of the cock was becoming steadily louder and the birds were waking up. On the village path people were passing by, with cloth bags tucked under their arms, perhaps on their way to work. A girl walked past hurriedly, almost running, to catch the ferry which I had seen approaching. But barring this occasional race against time, life was meandering along. The plop of the fish now and then, and the flutter of a bird as it darted by were still the only sounds in the silence.  

Now and then a ferry passed by, rocking my boat gently. I have been told time and again that it would not be possible to get away from the hustle and bustle of the city for long periods of time. One would feel 'bored' the classical word used by all alike when one did not know what to do with oneself! But sitting here, this moment in time, I would seriously consider living this way for the rest of my life. 

A lot of unanswered questions, a lot of unfulfilling relationships and a lot of incomplete tasks await me when I get back.  Am I running away, I wonder, when I yearn to live an uncomplicated life?

Now and then, a boat passes me by as I sit writing this, catching me unawares, and a sudden cheerful Good morning startles me, as I respond in kind. Are the people normally so friendly, or are they making a concession to a stranger in their midst who they feel is probably alone? Whatever the reason, these simple greetings with no ulterior motives do connect me to civilization. 

Man is a social being, but in the process of being social, has also learnt a lot of anti-social behavior, which pushes one away from the fabric of society, making one reach out to the uncomplicated quietude of nature. I guess that is where I am... Wanting to stay on the fringe of the social network, refusing to be drawn into the web of disturbing relationships and falsehood, of pleasing people simply because I need to survive. But also not becoming a recluse, for I, unlike Crusoe, am a social being, loving the creation of the universe's most complicated species: mankind, and the workings of his mind!

Maybe I could use these getaways to reaffirm my faith in life, and to restore my strength to handle the turbulence of daily living. Just like how the boat, anchored at the shore rocks but does not float away every time the water body is disturbed by passing boats.

All I really wanted to know, I learnt in Kindergarten

I am sure all of us agree that the school of life teaches us lessons everyday.  In a sense, I think we are all interns here, and the workplace keeps changing with every stage that we experience in our growth.

 

This thinking is at a macro level, and we are interning under unseen hands, unfamiliar experiences.  Let us use this metaphor at a micro level, in our day to day living where we are preparing for our careers.

 

These days, I think college students have a tremendous opportunity of getting an exposure to work culture, right from the time they decide on a line of career.  Corporates and firms are also open to having these students in their office spaces, more so as they are available free, (not all interns are paid, and even if they are, it is a pittance) and also because good workers are hard to come by, and the intern could be a prospective employee in the future, thus saving money in terms of advertisements and interviews in the future.

 

While of course it is important for the interns to take their exposure to the workplace, I think it is also equally important for the firms who hire these interns to give them a positive environment to grow and nurture them.  It is equally important to make these interns retain their basic social ideologies of being friendly, sharing and cooperative.  No doubt it is a cut-throat environment out there, but we tend to forget that while in the earlier days, we would enter workplaces when we were a lot older, and with more wisdom regarding the outside world in our pockets... These youngsters are still raw, some of them bewildered by the working of an office environment, and who could wonder why the executive down the aisle is yelling at him for no fault of his!

 

I had a young student who spoke to me of her experiences in a firm where she was interning.  She was amazed at the sheer lack of what she referred to as 'manners'.  It seems the crowd there would order food for only themselves, while the interns would be sitting right next to their tables.  The biscuits etc. would be passed around and the interns would not even be offered!

 

Well, while I am not saying all firms are like that, the interns who are exposed to the kind of the social manners in the work environment described above, go away questioning all that they learnt while they were growing up!

 

I suggested to this particular young intern that she buys biscuits the next day and passes it around.  She was a little hesitant but agreed to try it out, even saying she will buy cream biscuits so that they cant refuse.

 

It worked... The third day, when they were having snacks, they offered it to her too...

The lesson learnt by the young intern was outside of the work environment, a life skill from a person who believes that there is goodness in every human being.  I hope some of the people in the firm also learnt how important it is to make others feel at home.  And more importantly, I hope this young intern also learnt that sometimes we need to gently prod others to behave themselves, and not forget, as Robert Fulghum says, All I really wanted to know, I learnt in kindergarten.

Clean-up!

After an invigorating walk in the morning, I was sitting with my cup of coffee when my neighbor opened her door opposite my flat, and started sweeping in front of her place.  It was a daily practice, and every day, she would collect the dust and  heap it up in a corner, near the lift.  Now, our building, like most apartment buildings, had its share of woes, and currently, we were functioning without a watchman who used to clean up the place too.  I decided to speak to the lady about this daily heaping of the dust, and approached her asking her if she would be asking her maid to clean it up, or should I ask mine to do so. 

What followed was verbal diarrhea.  She raved and ranted about how they were tenants, and I was abusing them, how being an owner, I was throwing my weight around, how did it matter where she put  the garbage, it was not in front of my flat, and they were not as rich as me etc. etc.  she also went on to say that I had no better work than to keep my front door open all the time, just to see what was going on in her flat.  She also kindly advised me to be more civilized (maybe discreetly hinting at my attire, I was in my tracks then).

All I could do was just gape at her. I mean, what brought all this on?  It was as if a hole was unplugged; and to think that she was actually suppressing all this within her all this while! I actually felt sorry for her! 

I had my maid clean up the place. But it set me thinking again about how we continue to live such a narrow, meaningless life.  I mean, how  vehemently  we complain about our streets being dirty, the corporation not doing its job, and criticize the  city for its unkempt roads and pathways, the bins overflowing with garbage, and finally admire a country like Singapore for its discipline and law abiding citizens.  Yet, when it comes to keeping our own backyard (in this case front yard) clean, it touches so many raw nerves.  I mean, what did being rich or poor have to do with the dust?  What did being an owner or a tenant have with keeping the floor clean?  Being civilized?  I couldn’t have been more polite; yet she just could not stop talking and screaming!   How much of garbage we are carrying around, unwilling to put it down, repack our bags, and then blame the world for our burdens!

However, the next morning, after my walk, I was entering my flat when she opened her door. I chimed in a cheery Good morning to her. And now it was her turn to gape! After the intial shock, she profusely apologized for her behavior the previous day, saying she had no idea what came over her, and that she was extremely sorry for the kind of behavior she had shown.  I brushed it aside, saying it happens, and that it was embarrassing me the way she was going on and on…

So that was that.  I don’t know honestly, what made me wish her that morning. Maybe I was in a good mood, maybe the walk brought out the better part of me, maybe I decided it was not worth having an unfriendly neighbor, or even being one… the reasons do not matter really, what matters is the fact that I make it a point every day to look out for her and wish her good morning!  If that was making her happy, why not!?

Apology: Lip Service?

When I have clients come in with interpersonal disputes, what is predominant is hurt feelings, for which one person blames the other.  This is especially true when the so-called injured party feels there is also no remorse from the other person.  Being hurt once is bad enough. How do you handle repeated actions, which send a totally different message to the receiver?  Then the blame shifts to not the action, but the feelings behind the action.  It could be something as insignificant as not keeping a date, to something as complex as having an extramarital affair.  The subject of discussion is not the action but the fact that it was a mistake repeated.  

 

This brings me to the subject of various kinds of apologies.  Gary Chapman has written on this subject extensively, and he surmises that the five languages  of apology go a  long way in either cementing a relationship, or allowing it to become staid and dull.  Of course, the relationship has to matter enough to both of them  to  understand and speak the other person's language of apology.  If one person's language is say,   (D)  (see below) and the person rendering the apology uses (B), then the whole communication goes for a toss, and the apology would have lost all meaning. 

 

A:  EXPRESSING REGRET

B: ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILIT Y

C: MAKING RESTITUTION

D: GENUINELY REPENTING

E: REQUESTING FORGIVENESS

The first is pure, matter of fact and simple...  "I am sorry".  In other words, expressing regret. Then the level or apology goes a little deeper, a little more sincere... "I am sorry I hurt you".  That  is, accepting responsibility, validation of the other person's hurt.  Then comes more sincerity... "I am sorry I hurt you. I would like to do something to make amends". Making Restitution for one's mistake.  Expressing regret and taking responsibility alone is not enough, genuine repentance is yet another language of some people... "What can I do to make you feel better?" And finally, it is downright surrender... "Please forgive me". It is not the same as saying I am sorry, but,  by asking for forgiveness, you are actually placing the whole issue in the other person's court... The right to forgive is the other person's. 

If only we take a moment to ponder on the many languages of saying sorry, making up would not be such a difficult task after all, and many a broken relationships may get repaired!

Learning Life's Lessons

I clambered up the steps of the AC coach, thankfully rid of the mosquitoes at the railway platform.  Looking forward to crashing after a strenuous day’s work, I entered my coach, and was greeted by an old gentleman occupying my berth, nicely cuddled up under a blanket with shut eyes.  I looked around, slightly impatient at my seat being usurped.  The other lower berth was occupied by another old lady, and the middle berth by a young boy, around 25 years old, who also took in what was happening, turned around and went back to snoozing.  By this time, nursing a bad headache, I was seething with anger. I sat down, wondering what to do when I saw the old man look at me from the corner of his eyes, and quickly look away.  In spite of myself, I was amused!  The TC came by then, and I requested him to see if I could get another lower berth as I have this insane fear of upper berths.  He promised to try, but said was doubtful, as he was not able to accommodate the old man also. 

Putting away my bag, and resigning to sleeping on the floor, I finished my dinner, when I saw this old man preparing to get up and pick up his small bag of water bottle and countless papers.  I asked him what he wanted, and he declared: ”Am going to sleep on the upper berth”.  I burst out giggling, and he too looked amused!  I told him not to bother, we will work out something, and offered to make his bed for him, which he insisted on doing himself. 

He started talking to me about himself.  He was ninety plus,  had worked in the high court for over 34 years as a clerk for the then Chief Justice, and handled many a transcripts of famous judgements. With not a tooth left in his gummy mouth, he told me how he was coming after a temple visit, undertaken for his grandson, who was mentally challenged.  His daughter had passed away, and the boy’s father had just disappeared, abandoning this child under their care.   Pointing to the boy occupying the middle berth, he said he had taken care of the boy, giving medical help and vocational training.  Though the boy was off medication now, and able to take care of his daily living needs, he still needed supervision.  His life was one long travail from one special school to another, and from one doctor to another. Yet, there was not a speck of frustration on his face.  Someone had told him this visit to the temple would help the boy, so ungrudgingly, they had travelled overnight, this old couple, in the hope that divine intervention would help them.  

He chatted on, spoke with pride of the fact that he had never entered college, yet the judges at the high court would trust his transcripts implicitly.  He reeled off medical jurisprudence, tort laws etc., and I felt my tiredness, my irritability and my headache all slipping away, as I listened to this octogenarian giving me a living example of how to live life:  Head-on, with: “What cannot be cured has to be endured.”  And here I was cribbing about the loss of a lower berth!

I woke up early in the morning, and saw that they had got down quietly at an earlier station.  I wish I had had a chance to say good bye to them…  But even now, when I am writing this, I am able to count my blessings, and send a silent prayer to the higher universal power to safeguard such people who teach such simple lessons to their co-passengers in this journey called life…