As a
counselor who has handled a lot of marital cases, it is like living every
relationship over with the couples. You
feel their individual pain, and their unmet expectations in the relationship,
and also the helplessness of the partner who feels he or she needs to just give
in for the sake of peace. Counseling has
not really worked there; for if the client is no longer comfortable, and the
change is not from within, then it is compromise. And counseling is not about compromise; it is
about acceptance and internalization.
Like the
client who came in the other day, insisting that she just wants an out: she
says she has no problems with her
partner, and her children, it is the family she cannot stand, and so she
wants to either walk out of the marriage, or just live with the husband and
children, and forget the extended family! To give her credit, she also does not
claim she is being right; just that she does not WANT to. She claims she is not able to forget
what all has happened in the past, and so she is not willing to forgive. The husband looked on, helpless, just a mute
spectator while the wife raved and ranted.
They are
supposed to come back after a while, and she is ready to move out for a while
to give herself a break. But I am also
wondering about that one couple, who had
been in an extremely stormy relationship
and having reached an impasse, for want of any other option, they decided to
give a break: both to the counseling sessions, and to the relationship. The wife came for a couple more sessions,
and then dropped out. The other day,
when I was clearing old telephone numbers from my mobile, I happened to come
across her number, and just sent her a courtesy message.
The response
surprised me: She said they were back
together, and that she wanted no link with the past, so did not want to keep in
touch with me. I know counselors are not
supposed to take the words of clients personally, but I wonder whether this
girl was simply being avoidant, burying issues deep within, just to continue
her relationship? And any contact with the counselor, who had helped her face
her emotional conflicts, was only a reminder of this faulty coping mechanism?
I also
wonder if she would be able to completely shut the doors on the past, and start a
new life, and so have nothing to do with anyone from her past? How healthy
would such an attitude be, and how much damage does it do to one’s own
persona ? My call would have been a very unpleasant reminder of the conflicts
in her life, but if she had resolved them and then got back together with her husband, then my call
would not have disturbed her. And if
she had got back without resolving them, I only hope and pray that she is resilient enough to live out the
life she has chosen.
