Lessons from Relationships

I read a book which was titled Inner war and peace: lessons from the Gita.  I searched for the sequel which was titled Conflict Resolutions: relationship lessons from the Gita.  This book was not available on the stands!

I wondered whether it was because people are finding it more difficult to handle relationships than themselves.  I have been seeing relationship dynamics at various levels, and I am reflecting on the various handles and triggers that sets off an ordinary discussion spiraling into a conflict. What can be a simple conversation over a cup of tea becomes a convoluted issue where everyone is sucked in, and each one has a hidden agenda, their own stakes in the matter, and finally a whole lot of hurts for the garbage bin, in addition to uneaten biscuits and cold cups of tea. The one left with the unresolved issue finally starts wondering at the futility of the whole exercise and needs help to gather the broken pieces.

Helping such a person, you are in danger of getting sucked in into the issue if you are not careful to be in the problem-solving mode. The person continues to hold on to hurts, feeling unsupported and challenged. If we are able to equip the person with seeing the problem from a solution-focused instead of a problem-focused viewpoint, the person is able to start acting on making small changes, redefining expectations, and the scenario starts to look brighter.

Let me illustrate. I know someone who is on this project of getting her children settled...   But she feels very challenged as she feels the whole process of vetting the proposals, getting information etc. is all very technology-based, and she feels inadequate to cope as she is not very savvy in this field.  Her dependency on others because of this limitation is a block in her getting things done, and when she reaches the end of her tether, all hell breaks loose, and while there is confrontation there is no conflict resolution: both within herself and around her.

Now, she has two options: she can either just give up on her project, and nurse the feeling of guilt in not being a responsible adult, or she can break down the problem into smaller problems and find effective solutions... I don't claim to be a Microsoft geek, but I was able to help her resolve some of her practical issues regarding the workings of the processes involved... When one feels he or she is doing something towards resolving an issue, that itself makes one feel more in command of the situation... It is the feeling of being helpless, dependent or trapped that is debilitating!

The War Within...

There is a war raging within and rains pouring without.  The rain outside is very welcome ; it brings with it cool weather and beauty in nature after it abates.  The plants look green and smiling, and the squirrel on my window sill is back, demanding his share of my evening snack, while keeping an eye out for the wily crow. 

But what about the war within me, which is causing me to cry without a break?  How do I explain to this tender feeling in me, that I get when I speak to my father, who keeps saying, "its been a long time since I have seen you"...?  During a twenty-minute conversation, he asks the same question ten times.  For, he is 87 years old, confined to the house, with only the idiot box for company.  He misses people to talk to; so he starts to have conversations in his mind. He spins yarns which become reality for him, and they become his world.  A world when he was young, agile, in control of his life and dreams.  Today, when he plaintively told me, his knee no longer troubles him, he is feeling much healthier, I could not stop the tears that burst forth, forming a lump in my throat.  He keeps forgetting our names, but makes a brave attempt to substitute them with generic words, hoping the other person will not notice.  I play this game with him;  i urge him to say the names of people and places, and then pretend I have also forgotten; it makes him feel so much better, he consoles me saying, "it's ok if you have forgotten; I do it all the time. You are young and active, and you will remember by and by."

He keeps asking for my daughter and wonders why she did not fight a case he has fought  and won.  He promises to hand over the case file to her when we visit him next.  This is when I know he has never seen the inside of a court room all his life.  But I don’t shatter his world; he is so happy there. Happy that someone is listening to his fables. For a few brief moments, I visit his world with him.  He talks about the time he played tennis at a club close to home (which is true!). And we share happy moments. All the while, I am weeping away. Because of this distance that I am perhaps talking to him for the last time, or perhaps I may not see him or hear his voice: for a while; or perhaps ever.

And all this is over the phone;  not because I am staying too far away to visit him. Not because I don’t want to go and look him up. It’s just over the phone because I am too cowardly to make the trip and put myself through the discomfort of the unpleasantness I face everytime from the environment, where I am judged, made to feel I am living an unapproved-of life by the rest of the family.  I choose to stay away because I am choosing to not get more hurt when I have barbs like I don’t belong because the family is scared of me, they do not feel comfortable talking to me, and such other one-liners hurled at me.  So I compromise by not spending time with the  first man in my life.  I wonder whether I will ever be able to forgive my family for this...