Wednesday 14 May 2014

The Glass Bubble

I waited for the watchman to open the gate to park my car inside. Glancing around, I saw a car parked a couple of meters away. The AC was running in the car and though the glass was rolled up, I could see a little girl in the front seat, with a person at the driver's seat. The child seemed to be eating something, and suddenly the window of the car rolled down, an empty carton of juice and an empty  packet of chips came flying out of the window. I parked my car inside, went out of my building, and tapped on the window of the parked car. The child looked out at me with her nose stuck to the glass, and I smiled at her. The man, presumably the father, rolled down the window. I addressed the child, gently telling her not to litter the road, and how we all need to take care of our environment. Before I could even complete my sentence, the father took off. He wanted to know why I was bothered, to mind my own business etc. When I remonstrated that it was part of our responsibility to our children to teach them such attitudes, he shot back, "Ok then you come in and take a class for my child..." And he rolled up the window!!!
 
Is this what our futuristic view is about? Are we not obliged to impart knowledge on how to live a more fruitful, meaningful life to the next generation? I have come across parents who feel they can create a glass bubble for their children. But then, when the children do have to move out into the world, all survival skills, social rules, feelings of empathy and interpersonal skills are missing. Children who grow up with the 'I, Me, and Myself' attitude have a very warped view of others and the larger world in general, and they fancy themselves as either the 'He Men' of the Universe, or wither away and fade out, without leaving any mark on the sands of time.
 
Education is important; we spend so much time, effort, and money on making sure our children hold a valid degree. Can we also make sure they are equipped to be caring, gentle and sensitive human beings, who care for the world and Mother Earth too?

Tunnel Vision

I think I know now, why the world is shrinking so much. A lot of us are developing what is called a tunnel vision.  We do not take a moment to think differently, to see a different perspective, we are not pausing to reflect a moment on how our words and actions can actually convey different meanings to the other party. In other words, we have taken relationships, people and the world for granted. It is fine if all of us develop tunnel vision I guess, but then there is this minuscule section of the human population, which believes in fully functioning eyesight!

I had gone for a film with a two of my friends, and at the last minute, one of them told me another one of her friends was joining us. Well I was not really fine with it, as this particular person was not really someone I got along with, and all of us were aware of this fact.  In fact, our last meeting a couple of years ago had been extremely unpleasant, and our common friend was quite aware of this fact. But not wanting to be a killjoy, I went along. After all it was just a movie, and we were not really at loggerheads! There was some confusion about the tickets, but I refused to allow anything to spoil my afternoon, and so just left it to them to sort out the issue. My friend picked me up on her bike, and I was not sure how her other friend was landing up, but like I said, I was set to enjoy myself, and it was not really my problem.

After the movie was over was when there was a feeling of intense discomfort. One bike and three of us... How do we get home? And this is where I got the feeling I mentioned when I  started out writing this piece. She just turned to the other friend who had accompanied us, and who stays on the other side of the town, and asked her if she would drop me back home. "Otherwise, I have to make two trips," she said. I was taken aback at this blatant brushing of social decorum, which I think should exist in every relationship, however close. I mean, the vehicle is mine, the plan for the movie was mine, and here I was, left wondering whether someone would be kind enough to drop me back home! And all because of another individual with whom I did not share much in common, and who in fact had been downright rude during our last meeting. 

Was I wrong in feeling I was being taken for granted? Would it not have been more appropriate if I had been informed earlier about the change in plans, and also about the subject of conveyance so that there would have been no awkward moments, no discounted feelings?

I have been the kind of person who would love to have all her friends get along with each other. But I also have realized it is not possible. So I have learnt to keep my social circles separate, for I would not want anyone to be uncomfortable at my expense. But here I was, thrown into a situation which was distinctly uncomfortable. I also had to apologize to the friend who dropped me back home, as she would not hear of me getting back on my own.
 
All in all, what I was looking forward to as a relaxed afternoon, turned out to be discomfiting, leaving an unpleasant taste in my mouth. It made me mull over human behavior, and of course, reach for my note pad to share!

Tuesday 13 May 2014

Good Parenting?


I settled down in my seat with my juice can and the tub of popcorn, waiting for the movie to start. I always like to catch the movie right from the beginning, including the advertisements and documentaries, though I may not watch them. I glanced around casually, wondering how full the theatre would soon be, and also idly commenting to my friend on the various people who were walking in.

A little boy said..."excuse me"  and I moved my legs to let him pass. He had a satchel on his back, and he soon settled down two seats away from me. Thinking some accompanying adult would follow him, i sat with my legs stretched out in the aisle.  But the movie soon started, and I found that the boy had settled down quite comfortably and was already attacking his tub of popcorn. I had  thought for a moment that he may have come without his parents' knowledge. But there were no furtive glances around, he looked pretty comfortable, so i discounted that thought. The thought that he may have come unaccompanied crossed my mind, but I ridiculed the idea and started watching the movie, and soon was immersed in the storyline.

Sometime just before the intermission, I saw the boy again. The seat next to him was still empty.  When the lights came on, I started talking to him. He told me his name, the class and the school he was in etc. When I asked him why he had come alone for the movie, he told me that his friends had gone for another movie in the same multiplex, but he wanted to see this one so he was here alone.

Now, the movie was not exactly kids' stuff, and certainly not to be watched unsupervised. In fact the certificate clearly said under parental guidance. Let alone the fact that the child is going home with unanswered questions about the movie, how neglectful could the parents get, sending a ten-year-old alone to a theater, where you have absolutely no idea who is going to be sitting next to you?  Did they for a moment think about the possibility of  harm befalling the child?  He did not even carry a phone, for at the end of the movie, he asked me for mine, to call his dad to come and pick him up. 

I was very uncomfortable with the whole incident; without really giving it a second thought, I picked up my phone, and called the number the child had called, and spoke to the father. I was prepared to be told to mind my own business, but I was in for a ruder shock. The father simply says, that the boy was being very adamant about wanting to go for the movie, so they sent him. 

So tomorrow if the boy asks for the moon, will they buy off NASA? Or as an adolescent, when he has primal urges, will they allow him to have his way?

Now I know why  society is on a downward slide. It is simply because we are not being responsible parents. We are only being good parents. We are not teaching children the difference between wants and needs. We are not teaching them delayed gratification, we are not teaching them impulse control. Result? Go ahead and break traffic signals, throw acid on people, because you do not get what you want, then and there, generally live life the way you are comfortable, and let the world go to the brink of destruction. What good is a moral science lesson going to do, when parents are not able to follow the basic tenets of raising a child?

Monday 5 May 2014

Are relationships only skin-deep?


We are as a species, so unsatisfied with whatever is current in our lives.  We pretend that all is well with our world, while we are seething with restless feelings of neglect, insecurity, or even resentment at why life is not the just as we want it.

I guess to a certain extent, all of us are human enough to undergo these feelings, but it really gets one thinking about how much is really true of a person who you thought you really knew well.

I am generally known to be a person who has a lot of friends, and though i do not really have an equally deep relationship with each one of them, all of them are dear to me, and fulfill different needs in my life.  One cannot be replaced by another, and i know some of them cannot even resonate with each other. But that is fine by me, and I would not want anyone of them to be any different than they are. I may crib about them, snap at their idiosyncrasies, but at the end of the day, they are all an integral part of my life, and they all know it.

Or so I thought. Till today, after a phone call from one of those very dear friends, with whom I have really shared a lot, and who I had thought knew me so very well.  During our conversation, when I mentioned that we had earlier spoken about something that we were discussing, she denied it, saying, you must have done so with someone else, you have so many friends, and are so busy anyway.

The statement sounded innocuous; yet it did not feel so. Behind the words, I sensed a feeling of hurt. Was I not talking to her as often as I used to? Was I neglecting some relationships for others?  Did I at any point in time make her feel less important to me than she was?

These and so many other questions flitted in my mind like cotton flakes.  I want to know, is it really so difficult to maintain relationships? They are so fragile; I am even scared to ask whether she meant anything else when she made that remark. Could I have been responsible for her feeling we are not meeting or talking often?

We all make choices, and we need to understand that in a relationship there needs to be space, otherwise it becomes claustrophobic.  I have had friends who have dropped out of my life, like autumn leaves, simply because they have not been able to digest the fact that I had a thickly populated social circle!  I felt caved in there, and was only glad to let them go.  

But in this case, it hurt, not the comment per se, but the fact that it came from a person, who I thought accepted this as an integral part of me... And yet I discovered that it was not really so. At least thats what I understood...   I hope I am wrong.

Thursday 1 May 2014

Coping by Avoidance

Today a friend of mine told me that she would avoid all those discussions with me which would cause me to hurt from inside. She meant she would avoid reporting those incidents or episodes where she feels I have had an unfair deal and she would not have had the power to stop it happening. 

It set me thinking. Is that the method I would employ to deal with my hurts: Not talking about it?  Was it  not her way of coping with her hurt which stemmed from her own feeling of being helpless in mending the situation?  I would not like to be protected from hurts by well-meaning friends building a wall of protection, consciously not allowing me to be privy to any information which (in their opinion) would cause me pain.  I would rather have the brickbats and develop my resilience against them. 

Agreed, the process may be extremely painful, it may appear to some as being masochistic!  But that is what life is all about! I feel, growing from pain is essential, either by dulling yourself to it, or desensitizing yourself to it, or evolving a stronger person from it.  How else do you explain evolution?

I also feel that a certain amount of artificiality would creep into our relationships if we start this process of information filtering, simply because we doubt the other person's ability or emotional quotient to deal with the information.

I do not subscribe to the fact that 'what you do not know, does not hurt you'. Facts have a strange way of getting across to you, and I have found this happening one too many times in my life! I'd rather have them directly from my friends, than have them reaching me from a bulletin board!  But again, these friends feel discomfort in being the bearer of unpleasant tidings, and so would like to avoid the topic altogether.  I understand where they are coming from, and somewhere they may even hold themselves responsible for the pain they are causing me. 

Well, I attribute this fear to the olden times, when some kings would behead the messenger who would bring bad news to court! That surely is not the case now, right? The bearer of bad tidings is not responsible for the news. I am mature enough to realize that. I only hope my loved ones will credit me with such maturity and not hold back just to avoid "hurting" me.

Social Sensitivity? Or just plain Self-importance?


Nothing seemed certain anymore.  Ever since I got the news that a dear friend of mine is in the Critical Care Unit of a hospital, because of an emergency medical condition, I was in a daze. I felt like a helpless warrior in a battlefield, who is suddenly facing arrows from all sides, and is at a loss to know which side the next missile is coming from.

The situation was made more helpless by the fact that the family is a very closed one, and  I was not able to access information directly.  I spent a sleepless night, and then decided to visit the hospital the next morning, even if not to see her, to at least speak to someone who would be able to assure me she will pull through.  The visit was not very successful;  not only was the attendant who was there unable to tell me anything I did not already know; but I was also discreetly told to avoid calling and visiting them till such time that the crisis was managed.  Of course, I understood;   and helpless though I felt, I respected the request.

 I also realized how less importance I attach to such peripheral courtesies.  Like for example, I am aware of some people who have conveyed deep anguish at not being personally informed when there has been a problem or bereavement.  How does it matter how the information reaches you? You know there is a problem, just pitch in and help, instead of having a debate on social courtesies and information flow process!  When my friend’s father- in-law passed away, in the confusion, she forgot to call me, and I got to know after the funeral was over. I just rushed there simply with the intention of wanting to know if there was any way I could help, with food or taking care of the children.  Isn’t that what living together all about?  Holding hands when needed, and letting go when not?

But no, we will sit down to dissect how propriety has to be followed.  And when we are told to back off too, we will insist on showing that we care.  We can care anyway right, without declaring it?  I know folks who will insist on letting everyone know how many temples they visited for somebody’s sake, how many prayer meetings they have held, almost as if they are taking responsibility for the person’s healing!  

Reminds me of the movie where God decided that he needed a break and allowed a human to take over his job! Let us not be under the notion that we are Omnipotent; let us just be a cog in the wheel, in the larger scheme of things, where everyone takes charge of his or her own life and choices.  Let us just be a conduit for a share of any blessing someone is receiving, and do our work silently.  There is enough noise pollution in the world as it is, without our trumpets!