Thoughts

The radio crackled, as I put on my seat belt and prepared to drive to work.   I tried tuning in, adjusting the station, but to no avail.  Though the radio jockey was audible, yet there was this constant sound of a bee buzzing in the background, which turned quite irritating, the last thing one required on a busy Monday morning, while driving!  So I switched it off and had my thoughts to keep me entertained as I drove.

And as I was thinking, I realized the reason why the radio was misbehaving.  The boy who cleaned the car for me had told me last week that the aerial had been damaged and needed replacement.  Over the busy weekend it had totally slipped my mind; no wonder the needle on the radio had not been able to catch the signals properly! 

Now, I guess a lot of our life situations are like that.  We all need our antennas to receive our signals from our environment.  Sometimes, the signals are from our past:  from our mind’s eye, where a current situation, the needle, triggers a memory from our past, and we are able to instantly connect to either episodic memory or an emotional memory from our past.  However, most of the times, the antenna, instead of giving us clarity of the present moment, shoves us into pain and we are no longer listening to the present.   This jolting to the past does not anchor us to the present.

I guess the antenna needs changing.  I guess we need to use an antenna called mindfulness, living in the present to enjoy the music that is playing today, instead of focusing on the memories that the needle triggers.  I remembered then how yesterday, while having a conversation with a friend, she brought up someone whom I had thought I had erased from my memory.   I had; but only from the episodic memory: the emotional memory still held oodles of pain, and the conversation brought back all the pain and the sadness I had thought I had resolved.    This conversational antenna did nothing to resolve my issues with this person, and though we talk about forgiveness and letting go, I realized that unless I either choose not to tune in to this station, or alternatively, have a faulty antenna, I am going to continue having to listen in with constant disturbance in the background.  

It was my choice.  Do I not tune in there, or do I use the antenna of rationality to reason out the issue, or do I simply practice mindfulness?  Do I just live in the present, notice my painful thoughts as they are triggered?  Do I accept that this is an issue of my life that I need to experience, the pain from the past, simply because there are some things that can never be resolved?  

I am still searching for answers.

The Tides of Life

Was Robinson Crusoe happy staying away from the human world of wonder?  Granted, he must have been extremely lonely, and must have missed great support systems. But  here, on this boathouse, watching the breaking dawn in the far horizon, with only the sound of lapping water against the boat, I feel like Crusoe... Away from civilization with only the coconut palms, and the water hyacinths for company; with endless stretches of water as far as my eyes can see in the pre-dawn dark.

The sound of steady rowing caught my attention, and I saw a row boat barely visible because of its thin, elongated shape, approaching my houseboat.  It was so thin, it looked like a  log of wood and as it neared me, I could make out the shape of a wizened old turbaned man, rowing away effortlessly. He passed by so close, I was afraid he would hit the boat I was in.  As he noticed me, he waved out and grinned at me as passed. Pure reflex as a social being made me wave out to him. 

Closely following him a while later, passed what they call a bus boat or a ferry. Life was starting to unfold. On the other side was a small pathway that led to the village. The crowing of the cock was becoming steadily louder and the birds were waking up. On the village path people were passing by, with cloth bags tucked under their arms, perhaps on their way to work. A girl walked past hurriedly, almost running, to catch the ferry which I had seen approaching. But barring this occasional race against time, life was meandering along. The plop of the fish now and then, and the flutter of a bird as it darted by were still the only sounds in the silence.  

Now and then a ferry passed by, rocking my boat gently. I have been told time and again that it would not be possible to get away from the hustle and bustle of the city for long periods of time. One would feel 'bored' the classical word used by all alike when one did not know what to do with oneself! But sitting here, this moment in time, I would seriously consider living this way for the rest of my life. 

A lot of unanswered questions, a lot of unfulfilling relationships and a lot of incomplete tasks await me when I get back.  Am I running away, I wonder, when I yearn to live an uncomplicated life?

Now and then, a boat passes me by as I sit writing this, catching me unawares, and a sudden cheerful Good morning startles me, as I respond in kind. Are the people normally so friendly, or are they making a concession to a stranger in their midst who they feel is probably alone? Whatever the reason, these simple greetings with no ulterior motives do connect me to civilization. 

Man is a social being, but in the process of being social, has also learnt a lot of anti-social behavior, which pushes one away from the fabric of society, making one reach out to the uncomplicated quietude of nature. I guess that is where I am... Wanting to stay on the fringe of the social network, refusing to be drawn into the web of disturbing relationships and falsehood, of pleasing people simply because I need to survive. But also not becoming a recluse, for I, unlike Crusoe, am a social being, loving the creation of the universe's most complicated species: mankind, and the workings of his mind!

Maybe I could use these getaways to reaffirm my faith in life, and to restore my strength to handle the turbulence of daily living. Just like how the boat, anchored at the shore rocks but does not float away every time the water body is disturbed by passing boats.

All I really wanted to know, I learnt in Kindergarten

I am sure all of us agree that the school of life teaches us lessons everyday.  In a sense, I think we are all interns here, and the workplace keeps changing with every stage that we experience in our growth.

 

This thinking is at a macro level, and we are interning under unseen hands, unfamiliar experiences.  Let us use this metaphor at a micro level, in our day to day living where we are preparing for our careers.

 

These days, I think college students have a tremendous opportunity of getting an exposure to work culture, right from the time they decide on a line of career.  Corporates and firms are also open to having these students in their office spaces, more so as they are available free, (not all interns are paid, and even if they are, it is a pittance) and also because good workers are hard to come by, and the intern could be a prospective employee in the future, thus saving money in terms of advertisements and interviews in the future.

 

While of course it is important for the interns to take their exposure to the workplace, I think it is also equally important for the firms who hire these interns to give them a positive environment to grow and nurture them.  It is equally important to make these interns retain their basic social ideologies of being friendly, sharing and cooperative.  No doubt it is a cut-throat environment out there, but we tend to forget that while in the earlier days, we would enter workplaces when we were a lot older, and with more wisdom regarding the outside world in our pockets... These youngsters are still raw, some of them bewildered by the working of an office environment, and who could wonder why the executive down the aisle is yelling at him for no fault of his!

 

I had a young student who spoke to me of her experiences in a firm where she was interning.  She was amazed at the sheer lack of what she referred to as 'manners'.  It seems the crowd there would order food for only themselves, while the interns would be sitting right next to their tables.  The biscuits etc. would be passed around and the interns would not even be offered!

 

Well, while I am not saying all firms are like that, the interns who are exposed to the kind of the social manners in the work environment described above, go away questioning all that they learnt while they were growing up!

 

I suggested to this particular young intern that she buys biscuits the next day and passes it around.  She was a little hesitant but agreed to try it out, even saying she will buy cream biscuits so that they cant refuse.

 

It worked... The third day, when they were having snacks, they offered it to her too...

The lesson learnt by the young intern was outside of the work environment, a life skill from a person who believes that there is goodness in every human being.  I hope some of the people in the firm also learnt how important it is to make others feel at home.  And more importantly, I hope this young intern also learnt that sometimes we need to gently prod others to behave themselves, and not forget, as Robert Fulghum says, All I really wanted to know, I learnt in kindergarten.

Clean-up!

After an invigorating walk in the morning, I was sitting with my cup of coffee when my neighbor opened her door opposite my flat, and started sweeping in front of her place.  It was a daily practice, and every day, she would collect the dust and  heap it up in a corner, near the lift.  Now, our building, like most apartment buildings, had its share of woes, and currently, we were functioning without a watchman who used to clean up the place too.  I decided to speak to the lady about this daily heaping of the dust, and approached her asking her if she would be asking her maid to clean it up, or should I ask mine to do so. 

What followed was verbal diarrhea.  She raved and ranted about how they were tenants, and I was abusing them, how being an owner, I was throwing my weight around, how did it matter where she put  the garbage, it was not in front of my flat, and they were not as rich as me etc. etc.  she also went on to say that I had no better work than to keep my front door open all the time, just to see what was going on in her flat.  She also kindly advised me to be more civilized (maybe discreetly hinting at my attire, I was in my tracks then).

All I could do was just gape at her. I mean, what brought all this on?  It was as if a hole was unplugged; and to think that she was actually suppressing all this within her all this while! I actually felt sorry for her! 

I had my maid clean up the place. But it set me thinking again about how we continue to live such a narrow, meaningless life.  I mean, how  vehemently  we complain about our streets being dirty, the corporation not doing its job, and criticize the  city for its unkempt roads and pathways, the bins overflowing with garbage, and finally admire a country like Singapore for its discipline and law abiding citizens.  Yet, when it comes to keeping our own backyard (in this case front yard) clean, it touches so many raw nerves.  I mean, what did being rich or poor have to do with the dust?  What did being an owner or a tenant have with keeping the floor clean?  Being civilized?  I couldn’t have been more polite; yet she just could not stop talking and screaming!   How much of garbage we are carrying around, unwilling to put it down, repack our bags, and then blame the world for our burdens!

However, the next morning, after my walk, I was entering my flat when she opened her door. I chimed in a cheery Good morning to her. And now it was her turn to gape! After the intial shock, she profusely apologized for her behavior the previous day, saying she had no idea what came over her, and that she was extremely sorry for the kind of behavior she had shown.  I brushed it aside, saying it happens, and that it was embarrassing me the way she was going on and on…

So that was that.  I don’t know honestly, what made me wish her that morning. Maybe I was in a good mood, maybe the walk brought out the better part of me, maybe I decided it was not worth having an unfriendly neighbor, or even being one… the reasons do not matter really, what matters is the fact that I make it a point every day to look out for her and wish her good morning!  If that was making her happy, why not!?