Just for Today

How are people not able to understand that every moment in time you are changing?  How is it that you are expected to maintain the same equilibrium whatever happens in your life?The reason we are born into this world is to learn our lessons, right? Then when you are in the process do you do so in a state of Buddhahood? Or are you allowed to respond, react, grieve, be angry, vent your feelings, allow to experience sadness and joy and then come back to the state of being normal? 

Every loss is a loss, however you term it. You lose a person dear to you, and the dynamics of family living changes... You take a breather, and you are faced with an illness which again brings a series of upheavals in your life. You are barely coping when you find yourself jobless, without any warning.  Still you are moving, grinning, living and not complaining.   You are breathless, coping with the depression of a family member, the bringing up of a teenager, struggling to make ends meet financially. Then you have the blow of a family member committing suicide and the rest of the so called family deciding you do not deserve to belong. You still grin... And you still do not lose faith in life. There is hurt... Lots of it, but you still choose to remain happy.

 

And then, just when you think you have turned the corner, there is a boulder waiting to strike you. And it hits you... Wham! On the face. Just like that. And you feel yourself floating in the fluid of senseless sorrow, clinging on to the one straw that is nearest to you. The only one left in the world to call your own. You still face it. You continue to get up, dust off the grief and pull on. Except for the heavy feeling of numbness, brought on by the absence of the one person who stood by you through it all, and except for the fact that the people you most counted on in your life suddenly fell off the precipice of your life without any warning, without any reason, life was fine. 

The recovery from blows takes time.... And some wounds never heal... You carry them in your aura, and into your psyche.  Even a stone simply lying on the river bed changes its form because of the continuous water flow on its surface. Then is it fair to expect that so many blizzards would leave a person unscarred, unchanged?

Is it masochistic to sit and take stock of all that one goes through? Or is it okay to reflect on your past and reassure yourself on how much you have handled, and it is okay to get angry if someone turns around and tells you that you are not allowing yourself to  heal? Is it okay to not explain how much you have actually fought not to become bitter and cynical, how much you have learnt to smile in the face of adversity? Is it okay to tell the person, that if I had not let go, if I was holding on to bitterness, I would not have had the courage to develop new friendships, to hope and to dream again? Why, I would not have had a relationship with the very same person, who was today sitting and telling me I was not handling life the way I should! Why is it that every time there is self referencing happening when you are given advice on how to handle life situations? Thy sorrow is greater than mine?

Every blow that I have faced has only made me more resilient.  And yes, it has brought about a change in me that I know many may not like.  Maybe I have to take another birth to learn the lessons I have not learnt so far.  But I read somewhere that the most sorrowful events hone the feelings to fine nuances that cannot be put in words. 

 

And today, when I experienced the finality of yet another loss: of a dream, which actually barely saw the light on of the day,  very frankly, all I felt was a sense of relief. Relief that I don't have to pretend, don't have to give explanations for my thoughts and feelings, which are all my own.  It was me, pure and simple, and I don't have to be any which way that I am expected to be. Now I know how Henry David Thoreau felt when he was able to be himself in his log cabin.

Things I really never learnt when I was growing up... And I still am

That people would get close to you only to make you what they would want you to be.

That life is not all about acceptance, that people do not understand that there can be two rights in living life.

That when people claim they are saying things for your good what they mean is why can't you just listen to what I am saying.

That no matter how much people let me down, I still continue to have newer relationships, which only goes to prove pain has not broken me.

That in the garb of being your well-wisher, people talk about their pains and how much greater it is than yours. Life is all about self-referencing, competing and comparing coping mechanisms.

That even when these very people turn around and tell me that I am living life all wrong, all I can do is to withdraw and hope everyone learns their lesson in their own good time.

That I never learnt that my imperfections have been my strengths and if others see it as my weakness, they are entitled to their opinion.

That it makes people very uncomfortable if they are not able to make their opinions accepted, and they put it down to the receiver's defenses.

That they may be right, but I am not wrong.

Searching for Space

The thought that keeps surfacing today is this... What do you talk about?  It is extremely difficult to maintain social contact when the people you are with are not interested in your life and the goings on therein, and in the people who make life bearable for you. In fact, there is a conscious effort to avoid all such topics even for casual conversation.  So much as I would like to talk about my routine, my work, my friends, the wall of indifference makes me mute and I clam up.

Then how do you communicate? I am not let in on anything else that happens around here.  I try to belong and I am politely but definitely signaled to keep off. There is a subtle power game, and I refuse to be drawn in. So I decide to keep to myself, visit people I resonate with and who at least are comfortable talking with me and my life.

But when I do that, there is more resistance. There is a basic absence of social decorum I am seeing too.  Like you feel you do not really count; there is a phone call when you are visiting your family, and the call stretches to three fourth of an hour, while you are left with the TV remote in your hand.  You really wonder whether it is because you are no longer welcomed, or is it because you are so much a part of the family, such social norms as just sitting and talking... really talking... does not matter.  And like I said earlier...  There is not much to talk about anyway.

Which is why I felt I really belonged when my friend whom I visited after a long time, kept saying.... I can't believe you are here..  After a point in your life, I think what you want from a relationship has to become more important than what you are in the relationship.  I may be family but I feel just a tag. But with relationships I choose to be in, I feel I matter enough to feel needed.  There are no power games being played there. It is just being in a comfortable space when you are not being judged, and are allowed to just be...

Reconnecting

I have spoken of broken relationships... Today I am thinking of relationships that have stood the test of time, and though have been dormant have not lost their flavor or strength of feelings.
 
I reconnected with a friend of mine whom I had lost touch with more than twenty years ago.  Though she had made the required calls when I had a crisis in my life, and we spoke for a while, I had really not made any efforts to get the relationship back on track. When I visited the city where our relationship had started, I decided to spend a day with her.

I was absolutely humbled by the way we greeted each other. I knew what the phrase means in its true sense when they say standing the test of time.  It was as if I had somewhere been connected all the while I was away. We had our usual cuppa ginger tea, sitting on the very same chair I had sat on eons ago, while our chatter was interrupted by her statement:  "Are you really here?" She also told me she was apprehensive about whether we could be comfortable with each other after so long... She also said she had called me once sometime back, and I sounded very preoccupied, hence was not very sure I was the same person.  I did not even remember and realized how in this humdrum of daily living, we tend to sweep people away.

We had lunch together, and also relived our fun times when we bought Chocobar for dessert... And how she insisted on licking the last slurp off the paper, making us feel like kids at a sleepover picnic!
We shared anecdotes, people and pain. We also shared quiet moments of togetherness where we thought about how life has taken us through myriad paths of experience, some of which had left us scarred and some strong. We also debated about how our relationship is still somewhere strong at the roots, even while exchanging notes about apparently strong bonds that broke without any rhyme or reason.  All of us are predominantly acting from social interest, and being a recluse is not a natural state of being. But, she said, "I don't have any of my old friends around largely because they may feel I am very opinionated.  But aren't we all?"

The day passed by too soon.  I am not sure when we will meet again, but when I took down her postal address, I told myself I would at least make sure I will write to her. She is not yet comfortable with the world of internet, and seeing the postman deliver new year cards, which she did not open as yet, waiting for 31st, brought home the stark reality of how much we all crave for human company.
I only hope I don't get too caught up in issues that don't matter, or allow other matters of apparently great consequences come in the way of our staying connected with each other.