It has been a while
since i captured my feelings into words. Not that I was not feeling in words,
just that it seemed an enormous effort to put them down on paper. But then seeing that everything seems an
effort these days, this almost seems like a comfort zone, like coming back
home.
I keep declaring that
i would like to live on my own, but then keep getting drawn into interactions,
which upon reflection seem to be of my own making. Be it the start of a project,
or the securing of something for someone, I have observed how easy it is for me to be
drawn into a conflict, which only seems to pull me into a quagmire from where I
emerge scathed, wounded, and perhaps scarred for life.
I am expected to have
the ability to take any judgment from people about me, simply because I am
strong, and that very quality is my undoing, I guess. That also does not stop
people from doling out unsolicited advice on my people skills, though in the
same breath, they also comment on how I am the only one who could get things to
move!
It all makes me wonder
then, what urges me go out searching for such situations... Or do I invite
them? I think now, that it is because I
am wrong in my assumption that I make a difference in this world, and that if
there is anything that needs to be attended to, I am the one who has to do
it. I think it is because I care too
much about everything, and in my anxiety to make sure that the world moves on
well-oiled wheels, I rush in where even angels fear to tread.... So does that make
me an angel, who has her wings rudely snipped off, or a demon that in the end
I am made out to be?
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