Just for Today

How are people not able to understand that every moment in time you are changing?  How is it that you are expected to maintain the same equilibrium whatever happens in your life?The reason we are born into this world is to learn our lessons, right? Then when you are in the process do you do so in a state of Buddhahood? Or are you allowed to respond, react, grieve, be angry, vent your feelings, allow to experience sadness and joy and then come back to the state of being normal? 

Every loss is a loss, however you term it. You lose a person dear to you, and the dynamics of family living changes... You take a breather, and you are faced with an illness which again brings a series of upheavals in your life. You are barely coping when you find yourself jobless, without any warning.  Still you are moving, grinning, living and not complaining.   You are breathless, coping with the depression of a family member, the bringing up of a teenager, struggling to make ends meet financially. Then you have the blow of a family member committing suicide and the rest of the so called family deciding you do not deserve to belong. You still grin... And you still do not lose faith in life. There is hurt... Lots of it, but you still choose to remain happy.

 

And then, just when you think you have turned the corner, there is a boulder waiting to strike you. And it hits you... Wham! On the face. Just like that. And you feel yourself floating in the fluid of senseless sorrow, clinging on to the one straw that is nearest to you. The only one left in the world to call your own. You still face it. You continue to get up, dust off the grief and pull on. Except for the heavy feeling of numbness, brought on by the absence of the one person who stood by you through it all, and except for the fact that the people you most counted on in your life suddenly fell off the precipice of your life without any warning, without any reason, life was fine. 

The recovery from blows takes time.... And some wounds never heal... You carry them in your aura, and into your psyche.  Even a stone simply lying on the river bed changes its form because of the continuous water flow on its surface. Then is it fair to expect that so many blizzards would leave a person unscarred, unchanged?

Is it masochistic to sit and take stock of all that one goes through? Or is it okay to reflect on your past and reassure yourself on how much you have handled, and it is okay to get angry if someone turns around and tells you that you are not allowing yourself to  heal? Is it okay to not explain how much you have actually fought not to become bitter and cynical, how much you have learnt to smile in the face of adversity? Is it okay to tell the person, that if I had not let go, if I was holding on to bitterness, I would not have had the courage to develop new friendships, to hope and to dream again? Why, I would not have had a relationship with the very same person, who was today sitting and telling me I was not handling life the way I should! Why is it that every time there is self referencing happening when you are given advice on how to handle life situations? Thy sorrow is greater than mine?

Every blow that I have faced has only made me more resilient.  And yes, it has brought about a change in me that I know many may not like.  Maybe I have to take another birth to learn the lessons I have not learnt so far.  But I read somewhere that the most sorrowful events hone the feelings to fine nuances that cannot be put in words. 

 

And today, when I experienced the finality of yet another loss: of a dream, which actually barely saw the light on of the day,  very frankly, all I felt was a sense of relief. Relief that I don't have to pretend, don't have to give explanations for my thoughts and feelings, which are all my own.  It was me, pure and simple, and I don't have to be any which way that I am expected to be. Now I know how Henry David Thoreau felt when he was able to be himself in his log cabin.

Things I really never learnt when I was growing up... And I still am

That people would get close to you only to make you what they would want you to be.

That life is not all about acceptance, that people do not understand that there can be two rights in living life.

That when people claim they are saying things for your good what they mean is why can't you just listen to what I am saying.

That no matter how much people let me down, I still continue to have newer relationships, which only goes to prove pain has not broken me.

That in the garb of being your well-wisher, people talk about their pains and how much greater it is than yours. Life is all about self-referencing, competing and comparing coping mechanisms.

That even when these very people turn around and tell me that I am living life all wrong, all I can do is to withdraw and hope everyone learns their lesson in their own good time.

That I never learnt that my imperfections have been my strengths and if others see it as my weakness, they are entitled to their opinion.

That it makes people very uncomfortable if they are not able to make their opinions accepted, and they put it down to the receiver's defenses.

That they may be right, but I am not wrong.

Searching for Space

The thought that keeps surfacing today is this... What do you talk about?  It is extremely difficult to maintain social contact when the people you are with are not interested in your life and the goings on therein, and in the people who make life bearable for you. In fact, there is a conscious effort to avoid all such topics even for casual conversation.  So much as I would like to talk about my routine, my work, my friends, the wall of indifference makes me mute and I clam up.

Then how do you communicate? I am not let in on anything else that happens around here.  I try to belong and I am politely but definitely signaled to keep off. There is a subtle power game, and I refuse to be drawn in. So I decide to keep to myself, visit people I resonate with and who at least are comfortable talking with me and my life.

But when I do that, there is more resistance. There is a basic absence of social decorum I am seeing too.  Like you feel you do not really count; there is a phone call when you are visiting your family, and the call stretches to three fourth of an hour, while you are left with the TV remote in your hand.  You really wonder whether it is because you are no longer welcomed, or is it because you are so much a part of the family, such social norms as just sitting and talking... really talking... does not matter.  And like I said earlier...  There is not much to talk about anyway.

Which is why I felt I really belonged when my friend whom I visited after a long time, kept saying.... I can't believe you are here..  After a point in your life, I think what you want from a relationship has to become more important than what you are in the relationship.  I may be family but I feel just a tag. But with relationships I choose to be in, I feel I matter enough to feel needed.  There are no power games being played there. It is just being in a comfortable space when you are not being judged, and are allowed to just be...

Reconnecting

I have spoken of broken relationships... Today I am thinking of relationships that have stood the test of time, and though have been dormant have not lost their flavor or strength of feelings.
 
I reconnected with a friend of mine whom I had lost touch with more than twenty years ago.  Though she had made the required calls when I had a crisis in my life, and we spoke for a while, I had really not made any efforts to get the relationship back on track. When I visited the city where our relationship had started, I decided to spend a day with her.

I was absolutely humbled by the way we greeted each other. I knew what the phrase means in its true sense when they say standing the test of time.  It was as if I had somewhere been connected all the while I was away. We had our usual cuppa ginger tea, sitting on the very same chair I had sat on eons ago, while our chatter was interrupted by her statement:  "Are you really here?" She also told me she was apprehensive about whether we could be comfortable with each other after so long... She also said she had called me once sometime back, and I sounded very preoccupied, hence was not very sure I was the same person.  I did not even remember and realized how in this humdrum of daily living, we tend to sweep people away.

We had lunch together, and also relived our fun times when we bought Chocobar for dessert... And how she insisted on licking the last slurp off the paper, making us feel like kids at a sleepover picnic!
We shared anecdotes, people and pain. We also shared quiet moments of togetherness where we thought about how life has taken us through myriad paths of experience, some of which had left us scarred and some strong. We also debated about how our relationship is still somewhere strong at the roots, even while exchanging notes about apparently strong bonds that broke without any rhyme or reason.  All of us are predominantly acting from social interest, and being a recluse is not a natural state of being. But, she said, "I don't have any of my old friends around largely because they may feel I am very opinionated.  But aren't we all?"

The day passed by too soon.  I am not sure when we will meet again, but when I took down her postal address, I told myself I would at least make sure I will write to her. She is not yet comfortable with the world of internet, and seeing the postman deliver new year cards, which she did not open as yet, waiting for 31st, brought home the stark reality of how much we all crave for human company.
I only hope I don't get too caught up in issues that don't matter, or allow other matters of apparently great consequences come in the way of our staying connected with each other.

Serenity Prayer to the Rescue

You know what is the feeling that is most difficult to live with?  It is the feeling of being completely helpless, especially when you are aware of what can be done to make things better.  We go through a lot of conflicts in life, where sometimes we are forced to just let go.  I wish I could let go here too... But I feel I have failed somehow.

Being a psychologist has its failings. Your family thinks you attribute everything to mind and emotions and chemical interventions.Yes, I do believe very strongly in the mind body connection but I also am practical to reach for medical help when needed.

My father has been ailing for quite a while, and though not entirely bedridden, he needs help to move around. He is largely confined to the house, and this tends to get him down as he had been a very brisk and socially active person. This forcibly-altered lifestyle has made him morose, withdrawn and cranky. Of late I have also noticed a deterioration in his mental faculties, and he tends to have some disorientation, which he deftly tries to cover up by behaving in an aggressive manner and talking back at people, be it family, the rare visitor or even the cable operator!

Unfortunately the family puts it down to him being just difficult, and I am also at times guilty of being short with him... I do a lot of self talk when I am with him, telling myself that I need to look at  him holistically.

Keeping this in mind, I approached the family and suggested we speak to the doctor to give him some mood stabilizer. I know we do not have a happiness pill, but it has been proved that certain chemical imbalances in our brain affects the way we feel.  If a minor alteration in this balance through a certain intervention can be achieved, which can help him feel better about himself, what is wrong?  In his late eighties, how does it matter if there was a certain dependency on such medication?  Having handled quite a few geriatric clients, I could clearly see what was happening, but am unable to do anything. If he felt better in his autumn days, was that not enough?

Unfortunately for him... And for me, for I lived up to the reputation of a person who attributes moods to feelings and emotion, none agreed with my theory.  Counter Arguments were many... All he needs is a little company, said one.  He is fine if we just let him have his way, said another.  You people just don't know how to handle him, said another.

My mother was of course bearing the brunt of the whole situation, but she also did not subscribe to my view.  She would just stop telling me about his antics, fearing that I will resort to my favorite subject.  I suspected she too was suffering from a situation-induced depression, but she is a lot more resilient than my father so she would bounce back from these periods of low moods.
  
I guess the resistant attitude comes from the age-old stigma attached to seeking medical intervention for any emotional issues.  But I am left with the feeling that though I am able to help so many others outside my family, I am unable to help my own father, as I don't have a single family member who understands and agrees with my opinion.   And I am also left with deep feelings of guilt when I tend to snap back at him at times, when all along I do know that his behavior is outside his control at times.  All I do at such times is say the serenity prayer...God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot  change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Caught in Crossfire?

I am now of the firm opinion that anywhere I go, I am followed by conflicts!  It is so awkward to be surrounded by them all the time. And it is doubly so, when you are also not sure whether you are part of the conflict or not.  I stand on the periphery of the situation, wondering whether I could dare to enter in and risk being thrown out!

I stayed with some close friends of the family. Now like every family, this family is also composed of members with strong personalities, and while there was cohesiveness there was also a lot of dissonance. The conflicts erupted out into the open when there was an issue that all of them had strong personal perceptions on. And that is where all the underlying issues also gave force to the conflict. The situation spiraled down to a point when everyone clammed up into a high tower of hurt, revenge and silence. There was it all around....like the thick mist that hung outside the building. Communication totally broke down. Rules of the roles were thrown out of the window. There was a declaration of the kitchen not functioning, that the members could fend for themselves. People walked on egg shells.

How long before yet another confrontation happens I wonder. Where did it all start? I think it did when one member felt unsupported, and was nursing a lot of unmet expectations. She totally clammed up, wanting to hurt as she had been hurt. But instead of keeping herself open to amends, she closeted herself in a tower of silence, refusing any attempts at peace making.

Of course, it is their own way of coping, handling a situation, and who was I to interfere.. But how do I respond? Do I tell myself, you are so much a part of the family, they don't have to keep up pretenses? Or should I pretend everything is normal, and that I am blasé enough not to understand what is happening? Or just pack my bags, apologize for the intrusion in their lives, and quietly leave?

Relationship Dynamics

Today was a huge revelation for me in terms of relationships.  I learnt that the world would want you to handle your life in a particular way. You can cry yourself hoarse from the rooftop that this is not your way but they would not leave you alone. So you have two options: Either you can continue to get mauled by people with their opinions, or ride the waves, rise up and declare, "Sorry buddy, I refuse to be abused anymore."

I was in a workshop, which ironically spoke about relationship dynamics. A very old friend: old in terms of the periodicity of the relationship (we went back twenty five years): was also there.  Now this relationship no longer existed on my radar. Though i know that relationships need not be purposeful, there definitely are times when you look to those people for support. In times of our greatest need, in times of crises when we are struggling to stay afloat, and this very person adds to the salt in the sea, well, then the loss is multiplied manifold. 

They say when it rains it pours... It really poured. Two years ago, when i felt lost, stranded and was swimming in the storm of life, this very friend disappeared from my life. I wouldn't wish what I went through on my worst enemy. But when this so-called "best" friend turned her back on me, for reasons best known to her, I wrote an elegy on the death of that relationship too, and buried it away. I know no reason would be good enough for her acting the way she did and I did not care if she had a good one.

So I understood that people view relationships differently and I was okay with that.  And then today, she comes up to me and catches me with a flippant remark of remembering old times when the facilitator remarked on friends.  Didn't she know that I had moved on?  Did she really think that with this huge chasm between us, created by her deliberate unavailability when I needed her the most, I could actually respond to her remark as a casual observation? And when I mentioned to her that I did not think of her when the trainer made the comment about friends because I had moved on, she says, "Yeah i know..."

What do you make of such people, who come across as plain callous and do not even think of apologizing when they stamp your feet? Not that an apology would have salvaged the relationship: it didn't exist anymore. But how do you handle the deliberate stampede? 

I walked away with the feeling of loss... Loss of the fact that I had wasted 25 years befriending someone who had no inkling of either human emotions or the tenderness that goes into handling them.