The Tides of Life

Was Robinson Crusoe happy staying away from the human world of wonder?  Granted, he must have been extremely lonely, and must have missed great support systems. But  here, on this boathouse, watching the breaking dawn in the far horizon, with only the sound of lapping water against the boat, I feel like Crusoe... Away from civilization with only the coconut palms, and the water hyacinths for company; with endless stretches of water as far as my eyes can see in the pre-dawn dark.

The sound of steady rowing caught my attention, and I saw a row boat barely visible because of its thin, elongated shape, approaching my houseboat.  It was so thin, it looked like a  log of wood and as it neared me, I could make out the shape of a wizened old turbaned man, rowing away effortlessly. He passed by so close, I was afraid he would hit the boat I was in.  As he noticed me, he waved out and grinned at me as passed. Pure reflex as a social being made me wave out to him. 

Closely following him a while later, passed what they call a bus boat or a ferry. Life was starting to unfold. On the other side was a small pathway that led to the village. The crowing of the cock was becoming steadily louder and the birds were waking up. On the village path people were passing by, with cloth bags tucked under their arms, perhaps on their way to work. A girl walked past hurriedly, almost running, to catch the ferry which I had seen approaching. But barring this occasional race against time, life was meandering along. The plop of the fish now and then, and the flutter of a bird as it darted by were still the only sounds in the silence.  

Now and then a ferry passed by, rocking my boat gently. I have been told time and again that it would not be possible to get away from the hustle and bustle of the city for long periods of time. One would feel 'bored' the classical word used by all alike when one did not know what to do with oneself! But sitting here, this moment in time, I would seriously consider living this way for the rest of my life. 

A lot of unanswered questions, a lot of unfulfilling relationships and a lot of incomplete tasks await me when I get back.  Am I running away, I wonder, when I yearn to live an uncomplicated life?

Now and then, a boat passes me by as I sit writing this, catching me unawares, and a sudden cheerful Good morning startles me, as I respond in kind. Are the people normally so friendly, or are they making a concession to a stranger in their midst who they feel is probably alone? Whatever the reason, these simple greetings with no ulterior motives do connect me to civilization. 

Man is a social being, but in the process of being social, has also learnt a lot of anti-social behavior, which pushes one away from the fabric of society, making one reach out to the uncomplicated quietude of nature. I guess that is where I am... Wanting to stay on the fringe of the social network, refusing to be drawn into the web of disturbing relationships and falsehood, of pleasing people simply because I need to survive. But also not becoming a recluse, for I, unlike Crusoe, am a social being, loving the creation of the universe's most complicated species: mankind, and the workings of his mind!

Maybe I could use these getaways to reaffirm my faith in life, and to restore my strength to handle the turbulence of daily living. Just like how the boat, anchored at the shore rocks but does not float away every time the water body is disturbed by passing boats.

All I really wanted to know, I learnt in Kindergarten

I am sure all of us agree that the school of life teaches us lessons everyday.  In a sense, I think we are all interns here, and the workplace keeps changing with every stage that we experience in our growth.

 

This thinking is at a macro level, and we are interning under unseen hands, unfamiliar experiences.  Let us use this metaphor at a micro level, in our day to day living where we are preparing for our careers.

 

These days, I think college students have a tremendous opportunity of getting an exposure to work culture, right from the time they decide on a line of career.  Corporates and firms are also open to having these students in their office spaces, more so as they are available free, (not all interns are paid, and even if they are, it is a pittance) and also because good workers are hard to come by, and the intern could be a prospective employee in the future, thus saving money in terms of advertisements and interviews in the future.

 

While of course it is important for the interns to take their exposure to the workplace, I think it is also equally important for the firms who hire these interns to give them a positive environment to grow and nurture them.  It is equally important to make these interns retain their basic social ideologies of being friendly, sharing and cooperative.  No doubt it is a cut-throat environment out there, but we tend to forget that while in the earlier days, we would enter workplaces when we were a lot older, and with more wisdom regarding the outside world in our pockets... These youngsters are still raw, some of them bewildered by the working of an office environment, and who could wonder why the executive down the aisle is yelling at him for no fault of his!

 

I had a young student who spoke to me of her experiences in a firm where she was interning.  She was amazed at the sheer lack of what she referred to as 'manners'.  It seems the crowd there would order food for only themselves, while the interns would be sitting right next to their tables.  The biscuits etc. would be passed around and the interns would not even be offered!

 

Well, while I am not saying all firms are like that, the interns who are exposed to the kind of the social manners in the work environment described above, go away questioning all that they learnt while they were growing up!

 

I suggested to this particular young intern that she buys biscuits the next day and passes it around.  She was a little hesitant but agreed to try it out, even saying she will buy cream biscuits so that they cant refuse.

 

It worked... The third day, when they were having snacks, they offered it to her too...

The lesson learnt by the young intern was outside of the work environment, a life skill from a person who believes that there is goodness in every human being.  I hope some of the people in the firm also learnt how important it is to make others feel at home.  And more importantly, I hope this young intern also learnt that sometimes we need to gently prod others to behave themselves, and not forget, as Robert Fulghum says, All I really wanted to know, I learnt in kindergarten.

Clean-up!

After an invigorating walk in the morning, I was sitting with my cup of coffee when my neighbor opened her door opposite my flat, and started sweeping in front of her place.  It was a daily practice, and every day, she would collect the dust and  heap it up in a corner, near the lift.  Now, our building, like most apartment buildings, had its share of woes, and currently, we were functioning without a watchman who used to clean up the place too.  I decided to speak to the lady about this daily heaping of the dust, and approached her asking her if she would be asking her maid to clean it up, or should I ask mine to do so. 

What followed was verbal diarrhea.  She raved and ranted about how they were tenants, and I was abusing them, how being an owner, I was throwing my weight around, how did it matter where she put  the garbage, it was not in front of my flat, and they were not as rich as me etc. etc.  she also went on to say that I had no better work than to keep my front door open all the time, just to see what was going on in her flat.  She also kindly advised me to be more civilized (maybe discreetly hinting at my attire, I was in my tracks then).

All I could do was just gape at her. I mean, what brought all this on?  It was as if a hole was unplugged; and to think that she was actually suppressing all this within her all this while! I actually felt sorry for her! 

I had my maid clean up the place. But it set me thinking again about how we continue to live such a narrow, meaningless life.  I mean, how  vehemently  we complain about our streets being dirty, the corporation not doing its job, and criticize the  city for its unkempt roads and pathways, the bins overflowing with garbage, and finally admire a country like Singapore for its discipline and law abiding citizens.  Yet, when it comes to keeping our own backyard (in this case front yard) clean, it touches so many raw nerves.  I mean, what did being rich or poor have to do with the dust?  What did being an owner or a tenant have with keeping the floor clean?  Being civilized?  I couldn’t have been more polite; yet she just could not stop talking and screaming!   How much of garbage we are carrying around, unwilling to put it down, repack our bags, and then blame the world for our burdens!

However, the next morning, after my walk, I was entering my flat when she opened her door. I chimed in a cheery Good morning to her. And now it was her turn to gape! After the intial shock, she profusely apologized for her behavior the previous day, saying she had no idea what came over her, and that she was extremely sorry for the kind of behavior she had shown.  I brushed it aside, saying it happens, and that it was embarrassing me the way she was going on and on…

So that was that.  I don’t know honestly, what made me wish her that morning. Maybe I was in a good mood, maybe the walk brought out the better part of me, maybe I decided it was not worth having an unfriendly neighbor, or even being one… the reasons do not matter really, what matters is the fact that I make it a point every day to look out for her and wish her good morning!  If that was making her happy, why not!?

Apology: Lip Service?

When I have clients come in with interpersonal disputes, what is predominant is hurt feelings, for which one person blames the other.  This is especially true when the so-called injured party feels there is also no remorse from the other person.  Being hurt once is bad enough. How do you handle repeated actions, which send a totally different message to the receiver?  Then the blame shifts to not the action, but the feelings behind the action.  It could be something as insignificant as not keeping a date, to something as complex as having an extramarital affair.  The subject of discussion is not the action but the fact that it was a mistake repeated.  

 

This brings me to the subject of various kinds of apologies.  Gary Chapman has written on this subject extensively, and he surmises that the five languages  of apology go a  long way in either cementing a relationship, or allowing it to become staid and dull.  Of course, the relationship has to matter enough to both of them  to  understand and speak the other person's language of apology.  If one person's language is say,   (D)  (see below) and the person rendering the apology uses (B), then the whole communication goes for a toss, and the apology would have lost all meaning. 

 

A:  EXPRESSING REGRET

B: ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILIT Y

C: MAKING RESTITUTION

D: GENUINELY REPENTING

E: REQUESTING FORGIVENESS

The first is pure, matter of fact and simple...  "I am sorry".  In other words, expressing regret. Then the level or apology goes a little deeper, a little more sincere... "I am sorry I hurt you".  That  is, accepting responsibility, validation of the other person's hurt.  Then comes more sincerity... "I am sorry I hurt you. I would like to do something to make amends". Making Restitution for one's mistake.  Expressing regret and taking responsibility alone is not enough, genuine repentance is yet another language of some people... "What can I do to make you feel better?" And finally, it is downright surrender... "Please forgive me". It is not the same as saying I am sorry, but,  by asking for forgiveness, you are actually placing the whole issue in the other person's court... The right to forgive is the other person's. 

If only we take a moment to ponder on the many languages of saying sorry, making up would not be such a difficult task after all, and many a broken relationships may get repaired!

Learning Life's Lessons

I clambered up the steps of the AC coach, thankfully rid of the mosquitoes at the railway platform.  Looking forward to crashing after a strenuous day’s work, I entered my coach, and was greeted by an old gentleman occupying my berth, nicely cuddled up under a blanket with shut eyes.  I looked around, slightly impatient at my seat being usurped.  The other lower berth was occupied by another old lady, and the middle berth by a young boy, around 25 years old, who also took in what was happening, turned around and went back to snoozing.  By this time, nursing a bad headache, I was seething with anger. I sat down, wondering what to do when I saw the old man look at me from the corner of his eyes, and quickly look away.  In spite of myself, I was amused!  The TC came by then, and I requested him to see if I could get another lower berth as I have this insane fear of upper berths.  He promised to try, but said was doubtful, as he was not able to accommodate the old man also. 

Putting away my bag, and resigning to sleeping on the floor, I finished my dinner, when I saw this old man preparing to get up and pick up his small bag of water bottle and countless papers.  I asked him what he wanted, and he declared: ”Am going to sleep on the upper berth”.  I burst out giggling, and he too looked amused!  I told him not to bother, we will work out something, and offered to make his bed for him, which he insisted on doing himself. 

He started talking to me about himself.  He was ninety plus,  had worked in the high court for over 34 years as a clerk for the then Chief Justice, and handled many a transcripts of famous judgements. With not a tooth left in his gummy mouth, he told me how he was coming after a temple visit, undertaken for his grandson, who was mentally challenged.  His daughter had passed away, and the boy’s father had just disappeared, abandoning this child under their care.   Pointing to the boy occupying the middle berth, he said he had taken care of the boy, giving medical help and vocational training.  Though the boy was off medication now, and able to take care of his daily living needs, he still needed supervision.  His life was one long travail from one special school to another, and from one doctor to another. Yet, there was not a speck of frustration on his face.  Someone had told him this visit to the temple would help the boy, so ungrudgingly, they had travelled overnight, this old couple, in the hope that divine intervention would help them.  

He chatted on, spoke with pride of the fact that he had never entered college, yet the judges at the high court would trust his transcripts implicitly.  He reeled off medical jurisprudence, tort laws etc., and I felt my tiredness, my irritability and my headache all slipping away, as I listened to this octogenarian giving me a living example of how to live life:  Head-on, with: “What cannot be cured has to be endured.”  And here I was cribbing about the loss of a lower berth!

I woke up early in the morning, and saw that they had got down quietly at an earlier station.  I wish I had had a chance to say good bye to them…  But even now, when I am writing this, I am able to count my blessings, and send a silent prayer to the higher universal power to safeguard such people who teach such simple lessons to their co-passengers in this journey called life…

Mile Sur Mera Tumhara!

It is festive season again, and the music is on.  I had decided that this season, I was going to catch a lot of concerts, and enrich my musical brain.  The first of the concerts I went for, was a jugalbandi with the blend of the north and the south.  I had a friend tell me sometime back, it is not necessary to know music to enjoy it; how true it was, I realized when I saw how beautifully the notes touched  a chord in my heart.  I do not really understand  Hindustani classical; for that matter, my knowledge of Carnatic music is also abysmal, though my exposure has tuned my ears to appreciate good music and filter it from bad performances! 

So, to come back to this concert.  The ambience was awesome, and I felt transported to a world where the stars shone dimly, the lighted pillars created by the event management team reflected the mood and spirit of the evening.  Music, especially soulful music, chokes me, whether I am singing or listening. This evening was no exception.  I choked and had tears rolling down my face, as the notes brought memories, nostalgia and emotions to the surface.   Someone had told me, when you sing and you can’t sing a high note because you are choked and emotional, you are having a musical seizure.  Well, I was having a series of them that evening all right.  Music blends all right, I had enough proof of that that evening.  Or, did I?

 

 

The person sitting next to me was a young girl, maybe in her late twenties, and she was also enjoying with her eyes closed.  But I noticed, that she would appreciate only when the Hindustani artist was singing, and would not even join in at the end of a particular Carnatic number when the whole hall was resounding with applause.  I found that extremely strange and a narrow appreciation of music. Maybe she did not really understand Carnatic music; but I am sure, a lot of the people, even me, did not really understand Hindustani music either;   but did that stop us from appreciating music? This was one sore spot on an otherwise perfect evening!

I believe that music does not know boundaries; why do we create them in our hearts then?  And the end of the concert was beautiful  with two lines from a nation-wide popular song which  conveyed that if your note and my note blend, then we create a fresh, new note! 

Alive Again!

Have you ever visited the past and felt you had travelled into the future leaving a bit of you behind, and then rediscovered yourself? It is an awesome experience, like finding a bit of a lost puzzle of a jigsaw. There is a sudden click, an "aha" moment, and suddenly you feel you had been searching for something you had misplaced in a wrong bag!

I visited Pune after 15 years... I had extremely fond memories of the place. I had been at my best I think then, living life to the fullest, taking healing classes, taking care of my family, learning new skills like Bonsai, making new friends, exploring new avenues. Somewhere along the line, when I moved out of the place, I think I left a bit of myself there, which I never realized. It was like I had packed everything, but left the baggage behind. And strangely, never missed the lost bag either. Maybe because I was so busy existing, I forgot to live. And I did not realize what I had lost, till I went back and found it. And what a find it was! I felt complete and whole again. Reconnected with parts of myself, reestablished old connections, and felt totally enveloped by the warmth of the
love I thought had been lost.

I did feel sad to see huge transformations too, like the old building I had been living in was razed to the ground, the shop I used to frequent for my groceries was no longer there...but that was reinforcing the fact that some things do change, and that it was not utopia, what I rediscovered. A paradoxical reinforcement I guess. I came back to see myself undergoing a slow transformation, picking up pieces of fragmented parts of me, and looking at myself in the mirror and seeing the birth of a new me! How I love this new discovery!