Searching for Space

The thought that keeps surfacing today is this... What do you talk about?  It is extremely difficult to maintain social contact when the people you are with are not interested in your life and the goings on therein, and in the people who make life bearable for you. In fact, there is a conscious effort to avoid all such topics even for casual conversation.  So much as I would like to talk about my routine, my work, my friends, the wall of indifference makes me mute and I clam up.

Then how do you communicate? I am not let in on anything else that happens around here.  I try to belong and I am politely but definitely signaled to keep off. There is a subtle power game, and I refuse to be drawn in. So I decide to keep to myself, visit people I resonate with and who at least are comfortable talking with me and my life.

But when I do that, there is more resistance. There is a basic absence of social decorum I am seeing too.  Like you feel you do not really count; there is a phone call when you are visiting your family, and the call stretches to three fourth of an hour, while you are left with the TV remote in your hand.  You really wonder whether it is because you are no longer welcomed, or is it because you are so much a part of the family, such social norms as just sitting and talking... really talking... does not matter.  And like I said earlier...  There is not much to talk about anyway.

Which is why I felt I really belonged when my friend whom I visited after a long time, kept saying.... I can't believe you are here..  After a point in your life, I think what you want from a relationship has to become more important than what you are in the relationship.  I may be family but I feel just a tag. But with relationships I choose to be in, I feel I matter enough to feel needed.  There are no power games being played there. It is just being in a comfortable space when you are not being judged, and are allowed to just be...

Reconnecting

I have spoken of broken relationships... Today I am thinking of relationships that have stood the test of time, and though have been dormant have not lost their flavor or strength of feelings.
 
I reconnected with a friend of mine whom I had lost touch with more than twenty years ago.  Though she had made the required calls when I had a crisis in my life, and we spoke for a while, I had really not made any efforts to get the relationship back on track. When I visited the city where our relationship had started, I decided to spend a day with her.

I was absolutely humbled by the way we greeted each other. I knew what the phrase means in its true sense when they say standing the test of time.  It was as if I had somewhere been connected all the while I was away. We had our usual cuppa ginger tea, sitting on the very same chair I had sat on eons ago, while our chatter was interrupted by her statement:  "Are you really here?" She also told me she was apprehensive about whether we could be comfortable with each other after so long... She also said she had called me once sometime back, and I sounded very preoccupied, hence was not very sure I was the same person.  I did not even remember and realized how in this humdrum of daily living, we tend to sweep people away.

We had lunch together, and also relived our fun times when we bought Chocobar for dessert... And how she insisted on licking the last slurp off the paper, making us feel like kids at a sleepover picnic!
We shared anecdotes, people and pain. We also shared quiet moments of togetherness where we thought about how life has taken us through myriad paths of experience, some of which had left us scarred and some strong. We also debated about how our relationship is still somewhere strong at the roots, even while exchanging notes about apparently strong bonds that broke without any rhyme or reason.  All of us are predominantly acting from social interest, and being a recluse is not a natural state of being. But, she said, "I don't have any of my old friends around largely because they may feel I am very opinionated.  But aren't we all?"

The day passed by too soon.  I am not sure when we will meet again, but when I took down her postal address, I told myself I would at least make sure I will write to her. She is not yet comfortable with the world of internet, and seeing the postman deliver new year cards, which she did not open as yet, waiting for 31st, brought home the stark reality of how much we all crave for human company.
I only hope I don't get too caught up in issues that don't matter, or allow other matters of apparently great consequences come in the way of our staying connected with each other.

Serenity Prayer to the Rescue

You know what is the feeling that is most difficult to live with?  It is the feeling of being completely helpless, especially when you are aware of what can be done to make things better.  We go through a lot of conflicts in life, where sometimes we are forced to just let go.  I wish I could let go here too... But I feel I have failed somehow.

Being a psychologist has its failings. Your family thinks you attribute everything to mind and emotions and chemical interventions.Yes, I do believe very strongly in the mind body connection but I also am practical to reach for medical help when needed.

My father has been ailing for quite a while, and though not entirely bedridden, he needs help to move around. He is largely confined to the house, and this tends to get him down as he had been a very brisk and socially active person. This forcibly-altered lifestyle has made him morose, withdrawn and cranky. Of late I have also noticed a deterioration in his mental faculties, and he tends to have some disorientation, which he deftly tries to cover up by behaving in an aggressive manner and talking back at people, be it family, the rare visitor or even the cable operator!

Unfortunately the family puts it down to him being just difficult, and I am also at times guilty of being short with him... I do a lot of self talk when I am with him, telling myself that I need to look at  him holistically.

Keeping this in mind, I approached the family and suggested we speak to the doctor to give him some mood stabilizer. I know we do not have a happiness pill, but it has been proved that certain chemical imbalances in our brain affects the way we feel.  If a minor alteration in this balance through a certain intervention can be achieved, which can help him feel better about himself, what is wrong?  In his late eighties, how does it matter if there was a certain dependency on such medication?  Having handled quite a few geriatric clients, I could clearly see what was happening, but am unable to do anything. If he felt better in his autumn days, was that not enough?

Unfortunately for him... And for me, for I lived up to the reputation of a person who attributes moods to feelings and emotion, none agreed with my theory.  Counter Arguments were many... All he needs is a little company, said one.  He is fine if we just let him have his way, said another.  You people just don't know how to handle him, said another.

My mother was of course bearing the brunt of the whole situation, but she also did not subscribe to my view.  She would just stop telling me about his antics, fearing that I will resort to my favorite subject.  I suspected she too was suffering from a situation-induced depression, but she is a lot more resilient than my father so she would bounce back from these periods of low moods.
  
I guess the resistant attitude comes from the age-old stigma attached to seeking medical intervention for any emotional issues.  But I am left with the feeling that though I am able to help so many others outside my family, I am unable to help my own father, as I don't have a single family member who understands and agrees with my opinion.   And I am also left with deep feelings of guilt when I tend to snap back at him at times, when all along I do know that his behavior is outside his control at times.  All I do at such times is say the serenity prayer...God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot  change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Caught in Crossfire?

I am now of the firm opinion that anywhere I go, I am followed by conflicts!  It is so awkward to be surrounded by them all the time. And it is doubly so, when you are also not sure whether you are part of the conflict or not.  I stand on the periphery of the situation, wondering whether I could dare to enter in and risk being thrown out!

I stayed with some close friends of the family. Now like every family, this family is also composed of members with strong personalities, and while there was cohesiveness there was also a lot of dissonance. The conflicts erupted out into the open when there was an issue that all of them had strong personal perceptions on. And that is where all the underlying issues also gave force to the conflict. The situation spiraled down to a point when everyone clammed up into a high tower of hurt, revenge and silence. There was it all around....like the thick mist that hung outside the building. Communication totally broke down. Rules of the roles were thrown out of the window. There was a declaration of the kitchen not functioning, that the members could fend for themselves. People walked on egg shells.

How long before yet another confrontation happens I wonder. Where did it all start? I think it did when one member felt unsupported, and was nursing a lot of unmet expectations. She totally clammed up, wanting to hurt as she had been hurt. But instead of keeping herself open to amends, she closeted herself in a tower of silence, refusing any attempts at peace making.

Of course, it is their own way of coping, handling a situation, and who was I to interfere.. But how do I respond? Do I tell myself, you are so much a part of the family, they don't have to keep up pretenses? Or should I pretend everything is normal, and that I am blasé enough not to understand what is happening? Or just pack my bags, apologize for the intrusion in their lives, and quietly leave?

Relationship Dynamics

Today was a huge revelation for me in terms of relationships.  I learnt that the world would want you to handle your life in a particular way. You can cry yourself hoarse from the rooftop that this is not your way but they would not leave you alone. So you have two options: Either you can continue to get mauled by people with their opinions, or ride the waves, rise up and declare, "Sorry buddy, I refuse to be abused anymore."

I was in a workshop, which ironically spoke about relationship dynamics. A very old friend: old in terms of the periodicity of the relationship (we went back twenty five years): was also there.  Now this relationship no longer existed on my radar. Though i know that relationships need not be purposeful, there definitely are times when you look to those people for support. In times of our greatest need, in times of crises when we are struggling to stay afloat, and this very person adds to the salt in the sea, well, then the loss is multiplied manifold. 

They say when it rains it pours... It really poured. Two years ago, when i felt lost, stranded and was swimming in the storm of life, this very friend disappeared from my life. I wouldn't wish what I went through on my worst enemy. But when this so-called "best" friend turned her back on me, for reasons best known to her, I wrote an elegy on the death of that relationship too, and buried it away. I know no reason would be good enough for her acting the way she did and I did not care if she had a good one.

So I understood that people view relationships differently and I was okay with that.  And then today, she comes up to me and catches me with a flippant remark of remembering old times when the facilitator remarked on friends.  Didn't she know that I had moved on?  Did she really think that with this huge chasm between us, created by her deliberate unavailability when I needed her the most, I could actually respond to her remark as a casual observation? And when I mentioned to her that I did not think of her when the trainer made the comment about friends because I had moved on, she says, "Yeah i know..."

What do you make of such people, who come across as plain callous and do not even think of apologizing when they stamp your feet? Not that an apology would have salvaged the relationship: it didn't exist anymore. But how do you handle the deliberate stampede? 

I walked away with the feeling of loss... Loss of the fact that I had wasted 25 years befriending someone who had no inkling of either human emotions or the tenderness that goes into handling them.

PARKING RIGHTS VS. BEING HAPPY

I saw a lady peering at us through the high gates of her bungalow, as my daughter switched off the ignition and we started getting out of the car. We had gone grocery shopping and after driving around for more than twenty minutes we decided that we would go quite further away and park though it meant lugging heavy bags back. 

So, to come back to the bungalow lady, she came out and peremptorily declared... you can't park here. I thought for a moment it was really a No Parking zone, and looked around for the sign. But no, we had not parked in front of any gate, or hospital, or even blocking access to any parked vehicle or building. So I told her politely otherwise, but she became aggressive... We have our car coming in a while. We need to park here, she said. Hearing the commotion another member of the family  joined in, and declared that they have two or three cars and they need parking space. On the road? By right? In a public space? They claimed my car  was in their space,  their property and in front of their boundary wall. One of them picked up their mobile and threatened to make a phone call. It would have been funny if I was not so irritated by then. I mean, here was an apparently decent and cultured family, owning a huge property in prime space, yet was fighting a street brawl for a car that had not yet come, reserving the space as one would by putting a handkerchief through the window of a third class compartment in the trains.  

I could have just walked away without giving them a thought. Legally I was on the right side of law. But frankly I was scared. People who could come  down to this level would stoop to even damaging my car if I left it there. So, we went hunting for a space to park again, and found a slot further ahead. The evening was lost, we shopped half-heartedly and came back.

The people I related this to all said I should not have moved away, that I had been in the right. Maybe. But then, I would have wondered why we fight certain battles... Would it have proved a point to them? When I said I had my right to park there as it was a public road, they wanted to know on what basis did I have the right! Did they want to see my ID proof as a citizen entitled to use public spaces? Was I going to teach them something they already did not know?

It was a plain and simple power struggle. And who does not like to win an argument? But I wanted parking space, not a feel-good emotion of having won an argument.

 

But I am human after all; and I couldn't help but feel a sense of glee when, on our way back, we found the girl standing guard for the parking space! In my mind, I relegated her to be a watchman...! An hour later, when we passed by the same house again, the expected car still had not arrived. However, their gates were left wide open, presumably for someone to rush out on hearing the sound of any car attempting to park in "their slot". What a way to live! 

 

Of angels and demons...

It has been a while since i captured my feelings into words. Not that I was not feeling in words, just that it seemed an enormous effort to put them down on paper. But then seeing that everything seems an effort these days, this almost seems like a comfort zone, like coming back home.

 

I keep declaring that i would like to live on my own, but then keep getting drawn into interactions, which upon reflection seem to be of my own making. Be it the start of a project, or the securing of something for someone, I have observed how easy it is for me to be drawn into a conflict, which only seems to pull me into a quagmire from where I emerge scathed, wounded, and perhaps scarred for life. 

I am expected to have the ability to take any judgment from people about me, simply because I am strong, and that very quality is my undoing, I guess. That also does not stop people from doling out unsolicited advice on my people skills, though in the same breath, they also comment on how I am the only one who could get things to move! 

 

It all makes me wonder then, what urges me go out searching for such situations... Or do I invite them?  I think now, that it is because I am wrong in my assumption that I make a difference in this world, and that if there is anything that needs to be attended to, I am the one who has to do it. I think it is because I care too much about everything, and in my anxiety to make sure that the world moves on well-oiled wheels, I rush in where even angels fear to tread.... So does that make me an angel, who has her wings rudely snipped off, or a demon that in the end I am made out to be?