the dynamics of social groups

I have started to feel more than ever now, that the more technology invades your life, the more you are inviting trouble! You are also giving room for a lot of unnecessary complications you could do without, and the age old maxim of Keep It Simple seems to be fading into oblivion. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not a member of the creed which derides progress, or looks down on development through technology, which makes life convenient for a lot of people, though learning the ropes stresses them out.  I have seen people struggling with the steps to take for getting an access to their net-banking procedures, trying desperately to book their tickets online, which others do in a jiffy, making them feel illiterate, actions which a lot do without giving it a second thought!  We have conferences online, do money transfers at the click of a button, send off mails changing people’s lives by just tapping a key… there is no lag of response time!  I am sure, once we get a hang of it, and work on the mental blocks towards these procedures, life definitely is very easy, and we can achieve all we need to do, just by sitting at our desks all day. While I really don’t know how beneficial or detrimental to the quality of our lives that is, I am sure a lot has already been said about the matter for us to ponder on it here.

No, what I am talking about infiltration of technology into is the aspect of relationships.  Has it really benefitted from the more developed communications means I wonder?  With the advent of free calls, free messaging, and the like, aren’t we complicating life?  Talking more than needed, messaging more than necessary, simply because it is all free, and because we need to be in touch all the time?  In the process, are we losing touch with ourselves I wonder? And the worst iniquity of it all is the group chats I feel.  At the risk of sounding like a misanthrope, these group chats give rise to a lot of unnecessary conflicts and arguments.   More than sharing information, and learning, I think a lot of energy is spent just trying to prove a point.  In the process, feathers are ruffled, and remarks are personalised. 

I have personally never really liked belonging to the chat groups, and more and more I have come to feel that if there is any communication to be shared, and if the other person is important enough, or you are important enough for the other person, share the information either by a phone call, or send a private message.  Groups are fine for discussions, but if just hanging on to the group means you have a sense of belonging, while you actually don’t, what is the point?  More chats there mean less chats with yourself!  And God help you if you dare to leave the group without the sanction of the members.  They feel a sense of personal rejection!  I can never understand this, and I have gone to great pains, to explain my need to exit certain groups, basically because I have felt a sense of not belonging there, or when I feel I do not resonate with all that is being spoken about in the group chats.  In spite of explaining that it is nothing personal about each of the members, they go on a mission to either retain you there, or else have a committee discussion on why it has happened! 

Do we lose our sense of individual self when we feel the disconnect?  Or we find  the connect with self,  and that is why we feel the disconnect?  I am not really sure; but am sure of one thing.  If the members of the group are not willing to connect with you personally but only on the group, then I am definitely better off exiting the group!

MOHANA NARAYANAN

March 14,2018

Balance is Insufficient

It leaves us with a disconnected feeling when the phone recorded message tells us that there is insufficient balance in our account, hence we cannot connect with the world.  Is it nature’s way of telling us, connect with yourself, you don’t need anyone’s permission to do so, or to recharge your account balance to look within?  It disappoints us when we dial a number and a staid voice says back off I am not willing to connect:  But the underlying message that I get from the universe is different.

I got up today morning, feeling wretched for no reason at all; I thought it was just one of those days, and went about my work, but was preoccupied.  A call from my niece did not help:  they were off on a holiday she said.  I wondered when I would be able to get away from it all, just have a few quiet moments to myself when I would be able to do my own thing without having to worry about schedules, deadlines, to do lists, and projects to be completed.   What a dichotomy right? I mean on one hand I am not allowed access to people at all thanks to a break-down in technology; and on the other I am grumbling about not being left alone. But I guess that is basic human nature: to have what you don’t want and to want what you don’t have.  I cannot run away from the emotional responsibilities that I have and I am unable to disconnect from the effects of possibly doing so. And I am also unable to unthink my thoughts which would free me from the shackles of negative spiralling thoughts, dragging me down like a dense fog.  Running away is never a good thing, I know; but sometimes, running away could get us out of the tornado, to stand, catch your breath and get a perspective from outside of the circle.   And that is the reason, that is the only reason I want to get out of the circle: for a while.

In the last two weeks, life has been a roller coaster… Lot of paradigm shifts, perspectives have undergone a 180 degrees change, and I started seeing things as if from a very different platform altogether.  Things which would startle me no longer do.  This equanimity and level of acceptance sometimes frightens me… Am I becoming passive I wonder? And if so, is it a good thing?

The thing that seemed to keep surfacing the most was relationships: my favourite realm of thought!

A friend of mine met me for coffee, and we spoke about this and that, till we zeroed in on her current issues.  She is embroiled in a relationship with someone and feels guilty that she is doing so. But she put the lack of connect with her partner as the reason for this socially unacceptable relationship.  The turmoil in her mind was very evident as she spoke.  There were justifications, explanations, guilt, remorse, all in a row, one after the other.  There was nothing I could do, for I did not come from any moral stand of right or wrong.  And who was I to pronounce judgements here?  All I could do was listen; which I did…

The other day then, another very dear colleague of mine told me how their marriage has run into trouble, to the extent that they had got a divorce.  Though I had heard a little about what had been happening, it had not been in my place to ask him.  But when I saw him break down in pain my heart wept for him.  Here was a relationship turned sour only because the partners did not see it fit to stop, think and then act.  In a flurry of reactions, the whole institution of  marriage was dissolved, leaving two broken individuals in their own pool of pain, but both refusing to swim towards each other, because of bitterness.  

I kept wondering then that when we have so much of baggage in our relationships with others, do we actually also have the same issues with ourselves? As in, when we look within ourselves, do we also have such conflicts when we need to build a healthy workable relationship with our inner selves? Is that the reason why we do not want to work with ourselves?  And keep looking for validation, ratification and emotional fodder from people around us?  I have found that to avoid this uncomfortable person that we perhaps are,  we are unable to spend time with selves too.  I have met people who tell me that they long for time for themselves to do a dozen things that they want to; yet when they do have the time, they are at a complete loss, and want to just get back to work. Avoidance behavior perhaps? Not really sure.

 Can we really cut off relations with ourselves, or maybe apply for divorce, as we do with significant others in our lives, when we find things are not working out for us?  Or are we ready to sit with ourselves, make friends with our darker sides, our Shadow, reclaim it with both our hands and thus start a process of integration?  The inner self is so beautiful, but the beauty is hidden because of the depths of darkness and the loneliness created by our very own beings, simply because we grow to adhere to overwritten rules on our psyche by long standing parameters of society.  Why can’t we take time off to make friends with ourselves?

Timelessness

When we are able to move forward and allow ourselves to grow, we need to:

v  Allow experiences which open a lot of closed doors, and close a lot of unnecessary opened doors.

v  Give oneself  permission to feel less than strong, and that it is okay to be so. 

v  Allow oneself to close issues which are rankling at the bottom of one’s heart, and do it with heartfelt gladness.

v  Learn  to let go, and allow oneself to receive.

v  Learn to connect, and learn to feel warmth of your soul travellers in the nippy winds of sadness, and hug each other for simply BEING.

v  Learn that there is more to life than what one is leading right now. And allow oneself to be ready on the journey to explore more.

MOHANA NARAYANAN

DATE: Timelessness

the water hyacinth

The sound effects, of the boat in the distance, the visual drama of the sun in the water, glimmering like gold, and the spots of silence in the background… It was perfect.  I had seen this only in the movies or read about it in books.  The idea of dissociation crept up somewhere in the back of the mind: the way I should have lived my life perhaps?

The water hyacinth floated gently past me, and I saw the sun peeping slowly, coming up from under the water, the clouds urging her gently to be slow, to take her time like a newly-wed bride.  The  big blob of bobbing water hyacinth came up towards me, on its way downstream, as if to say hey, long time, where have you been all this while?  I have been trying to live I told them, wishing them well, hoping they have a good journey on their way to eternity… Behind them I saw a single, solitary water hyacinth, maybe trying to keep up with the earlier one.   The birds flew over my head, circling over the water, as did the eagles, trying to spot their prey in the water.  The fowl and the geese in the walked around my feet, pecking at the grass for their food.   I wanted to tell the people around to be quiet, not to talk… It broke the pattern of purpose. But then it was their space, their way, their flow.

  The sun aimed at reaching the sky, moving towards sunset.  The birds looked for their food.  The occasional canoe that glided by was aiming for a destination.  The small boats in the distance were busily looking for good catch.    The cock that woke us up, with its loud demanding volume, had done its bit for the day. Where was the water hyacinth going? What was its destination, its purpose?

Have I found mine?  I am not sure anymore… Or maybe I am sure that I have not found my purpose only now?  All my life I lived my roles on the stage, doing what is to be done, saying my lines, and perhaps never once patting  myself for having done well.  The world was dissociated from me, or me from the world?  Not sure.  But when I started holding on to the roles, they were being snatched away from me one by one.  I need to be like the water hyacinth, just moving, just floating gently down the stream, not rooting myself to the water.  Not being the roles, just playing them.  Was that the purpose I needed to find?  Sitting at the banks of the stream, watching the water hyacinth float by?

Mohana Narayanan

October 15,2017

To own your shadow

In the last two weeks, life has been a roller coaster… Lot of paradigm shifts, perspectives have undergone a 180 degrees change, and I started seeing things as if from a very different platform altogether.  Things which would startle me no longer do.  This equanimity and level of acceptance sometimes frightens me… Am I becoming passive I wonder? And if so, is it a good thing?

The thing that seemed to keep surfacing the most was relationships: my favourite realm of thought!

A friend of mine met me for coffee, and we spoke about this and that, till we zeroed in on her current issues.  She is embroiled in a relationship with someone and feels guilty that she is doing so. But she put the lack of connect with her partner as the reason for this socially unacceptable relationship.  The turmoil in her mind was very evident as she spoke.  There were justifications, explanations, guilt, remorse, all in a row, one after the other.  There was nothing I could do, for I did not come from any moral stand of right or wrong.  And who was I to pronounce judgements here?  All I could do was listen; which I did…

The other day then, another very dear colleague of mine told me how their marriage has run into trouble, to the extent that they had got a divorce.  Though I had heard a little about what had been happening, it had not been in my place to ask him.  But when I saw him break down in pain my heart wept for him.  Here was a relationship turned sour only because the partners did not see it fit to stop, think and then act.  In a flurry of reactions, the whole institution of  marriage was dissolved, leaving two broken individuals in their own pool of pain, but both refusing to swim towards each other, because of bitterness.  

I kept wondering then that when we have so much of baggage in our relationships with others, do we actually also have the same issues with ourselves? As in, when we look within ourselves, do we also have such conflicts when we need to build a healthy workable relationship with our inner selves? Is that the reason why we do not want to work with ourselves?  And keep looking for validation, ratification and emotional fodder from people around us?  I have found that to avoid this uncomfortable person that we perhaps are,  we are unable to spend time with selves too.  I have met people who tell me that they long for time for themselves to do a dozen things that they want to; yet when they do have the time, they are at a complete loss, and want to just get back to work. Avoidance behavior perhaps? Not really sure.

 Can we really cut off relations with ourselves, or maybe apply for divorce, as we do with significant others in our lives, when we find things are not working out for us?  Or are we ready to sit with ourselves, make friends with our darker sides, our Shadow, reclaim it with both our hands and thus start a process of integration?  The inner self is so beautiful, but the beauty is hidden because of the depths of darkness and the loneliness created by our very own beings, simply because we grow to adhere to overwritten rules on our psyche by long standing parameters of society.  Why can’t we take time off to make friends with ourselves?

MOHANA NARAYANAN

JAN 31,2018

For they may come and they may go, but I love on forever!

I had a very long and a happening day yesterday.  The week had been very tiring and busy, and I was nursing a bad back as a result of all the work and running around.  I checked my mobile for messages halfway through cooking, and saw a lot of missed calls from a friend of mine, who never calls me in the morning as both of us are rushing to work. 

Worried I called her back at once, only to hear her gasping and choking, and crying.  I managed to get some sense out of her, got to call my support system, as I was not in a position to drive because of my back.  I also managed to call a couple of her friends whose number I fortunately had, and we all reached her place. 

The situation was brought under control with difficulty, and meanwhile having constant calls from my place of work, I  settled my friend, arranged for food, promised to visit the clinician with her in the afternoon.  We finished all this by 5 ‘0’ clock and went back to my place, where we hashed out the issue again and again, till we could speak no more, and she left.

The day no doubt left me drained.  The day triggered a memory of another somewhat similar incident, when I was driving back from work one day and another friend called me sobbing her heart out, and claiming to walk out of her marriage.  I turned around, went to see her, brought her home and calmed her down for the time being.  She stayed with me for a couple of days, sharing deep secrets of her life she had never shared with anyone before, and which of course I have not either till date.

They patched up and she went back home.  And after that there was not much to say… she simply dropped out of my life... like the countless others who faded out like a black and white movie.  But like I mentioned to someone earlier, the fading out of these people is not an issue for me. No one stays forever.  It is how the fading out happens that hurts.  Being there for people is a part of being me.  I cannot be anyone else.  But to know that these people who for no reason whatsoever just got up and walked away with not so much as a good-bye, have not managed to change my view  on love and relationships, and have not succeeded in making me cynical, is very very gratifying to know. I thank the universe for testing this fact!