Unasked and Unanswered

The child looked bewildered and lost as he entered my room. His two saucer-like eyes asked questions that his limited vocabulary did not allow him to ask.  Was he being brought to me for some mischief that he did not know he did ? Or was he here because of some reason that he would not even understand?

I looked inquiringly at the teacher, who seemed equally at a loss for words.  So I decided to initiate the conversation. The child refused to open up initially, and answered in monosyllables.  Then the teacher filled me in.  Apparently, the child had overheard a conversation between his parents where the father said that they would not send him to school, that he would teach him at home, as he was not studying properly.  The mother had also refused to buy the child some material that the child was required to bring to school for some project.

On gentle prompting, the child started contributing to our questions, and said that the previous night, his father had hit his mother while they were arguing about him.  The child went off to his room, closed the door and cried himself to sleep. He is now wondering whether he is the cause of all the misery at home!

How do you explain relationship dynamics to an eight-year-old boy?  Would he be able to relate to the situation if I tell him that adults also fight, and sometimes they fight ugly?

There is scant respect; no listening skills are employed, there are no boundaries, and it is all about a power struggle.

For the boy, all that mattered was how much was he responsible for the conflict.  For the adults, what other messages their irresponsible behavior conveyed was of least importance.  There was no way I could talk to them about healthy parenting. The partnership itself needed working on! There was no respect or dignity between the parents. All that was evident was the blame game, where they would not even think shared parenting was an important component of healthy and effective parenting. 

If there is unconditional love, respect for human dignity and acceptance of a person's frailties, then who says nurturing any relationship would be a problem? But here, the mother's unmet needs and the father's frustrations resulted in a bewildered child who may end up carrying the scars of dysfunctional parenting for the rest of his life.

A Reality Check

You know what they say about relationships: know them, enjoy them, never attempt to understand them.  I never really adhered to this maxim.  For me, everything I savor needs dissection.  But I understood it does not work with relationships.  There are dynamics at work there you would not figure out, undercurrents you are not aware of. And then, before you know you are facing a turbulence you had no warning of, and unless you are able to withdraw quickly, you are in the eye of the storm.

Is withdrawal better, or being in the storm? If it is the former, you are protecting yourself, perhaps even the other person, and all is presumably well. I say presumably because things are not okay till they are okay. Things are not clear until they are cleared.  I am not comfortable with just moving on, without resolution.  It’s like you are continuing on a journey, leaving some of your luggage behind!  You may not really need the luggage, but you only leave garbage behind, not luggage!

Anyway, if it is withdrawal, then I need to handle the discomfort at my level, redefine my thinking, and set rules for myself. 

And what if you are in the storm?  I would flounder, gasp for breath, even go under at times; but I will survive, for the feeling that I am facing the storm, attempting to set things right, gives me the strength to face it.

Unfortunately, in relationships it is not like that; it is not a choice I can make. The other person does not want to talk about what has happened, and the storm apparently dies down. Or does it?  What havoc has it left in its aftermath?

Equations redefined?

Viewpoints altered?

Relationships cautiously handled?

I know I will survive like I always have, but I have started believing more and more in the maxim of how you are molded by your environment and the next time someone tells me you have changed a lot, I am not going to protest, I am going to gracefully smile and say, of course I have; I am not a duck, water doesn’t flow off my back, it sticks there!

Validation

We have read of master psychologists who have come up with various theories of different levels of consciousness. I have found this fact very intriguing, that what we think we actually are, in reality,  is just a tip of the ice berg. A large chunk of us is the unconscious and the subconscious. 

The tip jutting out of the sea of existence is apparently the rational, judgmental part of ourselves, the self which maintains order in society, which convinces us to do the proper, right thing.  Conflicts  arise within us because we are governed by this aspect of ourselves and in this process, we tend to neglect the submerged parts.  No wonder then, that there is so much conflict, both within ourselves and all around us!

When we are faced with a conflict, two things happen: 

1. Our feelings rush in demanding acknowledgement: raw, unprocessed feelings, which cannot be right or wrong; they are just that - feelings.

2. Then, because we are programmed to be acting, thinking and feeling the "right" way all the time, the conscious, rational mind tries to take charge of the situation.

But then, what happens to these emotions which have been given birth to? They need to be attended to, and certified to existence.  We call this process as "validation". Because feelings are not right or wrong, they just ARE. When we allow ourselves to experience these feelings, they are processed and during this time of processing, they are accorded the validation that is so important for the energy arising out of these emotions. 

However, failing to understand the fact that this process bridges the gap between our conscious, so-called right-minded thinking and our subconscious emotive reactions, the latter is side-stepped in our hurry to resolve issues, take stock of a critical situation, and move on in life.

Try this:

The next time you are experiencing raw, volatile emotions, do not become judgmental. Do not try to rationalize either your feelings or the actions of anyone else. Just let yourself be with the feeling, allow yourself the experience, however unpleasant or illogical or irrational it is. Then, once a certain time period has passed, there would be a closure, and you could move on to listening to your conscious, rational mind.

Similarly, the next time you are called in to resolve any issue between two people, try not to become judgmental or interact with your rational, conscious mind. Instead, try to be at the same wavelength as the other person undergoing the pain, without jumping to a defense mode.  This validation period would allow both of you to come to a balance when the boat would steady itself, and then the communication would become easier;  simply because both of you would have been at the subconscious level, acknowledging the feelings, and then the conscious mind would be allowed to communicate effectively.

The Sunrise

The alarm clock that woke me up was not the fancy tune on my mobile, nor the electronic one that jars you awake and makes you want to bury your head deeper into your blanket and wish the sound would go away. Neither was it a recorded voice that urges you to wake up and reminds you of the mechanical day you need to start, if you need to get on in life. No, it was the sound of a rooster crowing in the deep stillness of the morning, in a place where you open your eyes and you don’t even hear the whirring sound of the fan in the background. 

By habit, one would want to go back to sleep. By habit of laziness, I would tell myself, I am not compelled to get up; I am on a holiday.  That thought did cross my mind for a second. However, I found the need for food to my soul was greater than my need for physical rest. The former won, and I was down on the bay window seat in ten minutes, waiting for the promised sight the sun rise would offer. Huddled in a thick blanket with a woolen cap on my head, I was hardly visible to anyone else, with just two eyes peering out at the darkness, willing the sun to rise!

He took his own time.  Meanwhile, my sensory organs were tuned in to the surroundings perfectly.  I could hear the silence… I could hear the rooster crowing time and again, and I noticed, it was at regular intervals.  I could hear an occasional dog bark in the distance, maybe at the milk vendor who goes from door to door, milking the cow for the residents and giving them fresh, warm milk. Milk in packets is a novelty here!  My auditory perception was at its peak… The swish of the eucalyptus leaves as they brushed and swished against each other, when the birds stirred restlessly…

The chirping started and all this while, I kept staring at the sky.  It had been pitch dark when I came downstairs. Now it was slowly changing to light, and I could see the clouds slowly taking various shapes, as the golden rays - or are they pink?  I'm not really sure - fell on them.  The hill ranges remained dark at the base, but the top of the ranges started appearing as the light slowly fell on them, and I almost forgot to click pictures  as I stared, mesmerized, at the transformation nature had to offer!

My cup of hot coffee became cold; I was not willing to take my eyes away even for a second as I was afraid I might miss out on some wondrous sight.   Slowly, as the world basked in the light of dawn, I could see the reflection of the sun on the windows; and I realized that though the light had been peering from one mountain range, the sun played hide and seek with me.  Suddenly, I found the sun popping up from behind yet another mountain, and it seemed he was grinning at me as if to say, 'tricked you'! 

If you are watching a sunrise for the first time, then let me tell you, you will not really know which spot on the sky he is going to greet you from, other than the general direction of the East! There he is, nice and bright, all done up and ready for yet another day, blessing the world with his light and warmth… Never am I going to complain about the heat of the plains, after witnessing how welcome he is here!

The chirping grew louder; the crowing cock fell silent: he was done for the day; I could hear my family come down for their breakfast; the occasional sounds of the vehicles passing by on the road signaled it was time for me to get on with my day. 

But what a truly beautiful start to life!

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO, WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY!!!

A bill of assertive rights

1. You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions and to take responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.
2. You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior.
3. You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems.
4. You have the right to change your mind.
5. You have the right to make mistakes – and be responsible for them.
6. You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.
7. You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
8. You have the right to say “I don’t know”.
9. You have the right to say “I don’t understand”.
10. You have the right to say “I don’t care”.

Nil and the abyss

I realize that when you want to say something, all of your faculties have to work. All of mine did... Except my voice. It stopped functioning. The thoughts rallied in my head but they were like wispy clouds, refusing to get out of my head and system. All I could think of was... It does not happen this way. It does not happen this way. A part of me stood outside, registering how the others reacted to the news - friends, his daughter, and the old people who cursed themselves for being around when he was sucked away in just a moment. Why am I not crying? Why am I not reacting like it is shown on the screen? Why am I in a limbo?

The questions. Repeated reliving of what happened. Reliving? Is it therapeutic ? Maybe. But who wants therapy now?

 

The ulterior meanings behind the questions… Couldn't you have responded sooner? Couldn’t you have taken him to the emergency rather than the doctor first? Couldn’t you have saved time? Are you sure he did not complain of any pain the previous night?

Did you fight with him the previous night?

Searched for his name in my mailbox. Got all his mails, and the first one said you are a strong woman. First of his many indications maybe that he was ready to go...

First of his indications that he trusted my strength.

So many calls, so many people... But he is not around to see them come home, to take their calls.

He was a simple man…

I learnt spontaneity from him...

Too straightforward a person, that was him…

Genial smile always…

So many one liners, which would bring back a flood of memories…

I am stocking it all up. Hope I remember to tell him all this whenever I connect with him again.

Sitting in the insurance office. Someone told me it would help me cope with reality if I start attending to all the mundane formalities on my own... It is not happening. I am only feeling very sleepy.

Someone comes in to offer condolences and does not talk to me... Says she does not know me, so did not know what to say. So she grills my elderly father for the gory details. 

I told her to leave the place. Was I rude? I don't know.

He has the house swarming with people. He loved it.

His well-meaning relatives, who had faded from his life called to say, “Please give us permission to share your grief.” I said “no...”

Someone called to say maybe my horoscope was wonked up, so that is why he went.

I told the person at least give him the credit to have chosen what he wanted in this at least. Let him be the strong man who chose to decide what he wanted to do, why should he be made the victim of my ill luck?

Life goes on. The missing grows on you. Or does it?

Small, insignificant details where his absence hits the pit of my stomach and the pain is physical...  For no apparent reason tears suddenly appear when I least expect them... When I am driving and I pass a spot where we shared a moment, when I am reading something I want to read out to him, when I cook something he loved, the times when he is with me are endless... How do I miss him then?

Words, words, words

How difficult it is to get your point of view across to someone who insists on personalizing everything you tell them as darts thrown at them!

My client's daughter was due for her driving license renewal, and she was too close to the last date for her to go for the test.  What started off as a discussion on the subject turned out to be quite an ugly debate on who is to take the blame for this delay. 

My client insisted on substituting the word blame with the word responsibility.  When her daughter tearfully said that she felt nervous if her father sat near her when she was driving, he started a long-winded explanation of how he has always encouraged her and asked how she could accuse him of discouraging her.  Her trying to tell him that feeling nervous and feeling discouraged were two separate feelings, did not seem to get across. He kept insisting that he had no part to play in the situation that existed.

My client's exercise was to try and identify each one's contribution to the current state of affairs. There were two points my client said she wanted to clarify.  The first was that it was not an exercise at blame game. She stated that she took the responsibility for not following up with her daughter on getting enough practice classes for her.  She also took responsibility for not making sure her daughter realized the importance of doing this at the right time so that she does not work on a crisis management system. She was also specific that her daughter owns up to her share of not doing what she had to: her taking onus of making sure she was ready for the test. Being a very responsible girl, capable of being trusted to do her own thing, it was definitely a lapse on her part, especially since it was happening the second time.  This was the learning for her, and the reason for this insistence was that she wanted to be sure the child understood that.

It takes a lot to do that: own up to your shortcomings.  My client was ready to label herself a  nag, as she tends to continue reminding people to do something they are supposed to; She also apologized for not having followed up, as she could have, even at the cost of reinforcing that label, avoided this situation;  and ended the discussion by again apologizing for any hurts that may have been caused during the confrontation.

But her husband refused to be compliant.  He insisted on believing that when his daughter said she felt nervous, she meant he was discouraging her. He also insisted on believing that there was absolutely nothing he could have done to salvage the situation, and went off on a tangent about how he cannot do anything without feeling he is being targeted. 

My client just gave up. And realized that when we are faced with any situation, rather than learning from what happened, all we do is resort to fault-finding and digging into our deep boxes of revenge to start hurling verbal darts at each other.  What kind of conflict resolution is that? And then we blame the universe for sending us lessons again and again, when we do not learn the first time over! I guess that was my learning in all this!